One kind of job I am looking for: Corporate Training/ Instructional Designer

Christie Veitch

Boulder, CO 
ChristieAVeitch@gmail.com

 

q  Objective: To design and deliver trainings for an organization that values creating exciting and beneficial professional development opportunities and seeks to positively impact its employees, clients, and community.

q  Skills

o    Developing and delivering individualized trainings, presentations, evaluation and communication tools

o    Teaching/Mentoring in both group and individualized settings, students from ages three - adult

o    Educational and Business consulting

o    Understanding of cognitive and psychological learning models for children and adults

o    Project management including thorough attention to details and goals, strong written and verbal communication, scheduling, and time management

o    Proficient in Microsoft Office suite, as well as many Adobe and Apple software products           

q  Education
2005 M.S. Rutgers University, Cognitive Psychology
      Thesis: Adult processing of Get and Be in active and passive sentences
2004 M.A., Rutgers University, Linguistics
1999 B.A. Hampshire College

            Self designed concentration, “ Simplicity and structure: The study of Mathematics and Linguistics”

q  Professional, Consulting and Business Experience
Kumon North America: Teaneck and Lawrenceville, NJ, and Boulder, CO.  2006 – 2011
Franchise Development Manager, Boulder, CO Fall 2010 - 2011 As the business and franchise consultant I administered all training in this region for Instructors/Franchisees and franchisee trainees, including: professional development presentations and hands-on trainings, individualized development plans, and assistance in all aspects of opening and growing their business including evaluation of their businesses, development and critique of business plans, site searches, and marketing plans. As a satellite office in Colorado, I operated this region, office, and managed all projects solo in addition to developing and providing all group and individual trainings.

Educational Field Consultant, 2006 – 2010. First in the NJ/PA field office and then running a remote region in Colorado, I operated as an educational consultant for Instructors/Franchisees in the Kumon method offering group and personalized professional development plans, presentations and tools, educational support to them in developing their lesson plans and student results, setting and achieving goals, and certification in the Kumon Method. This role required the delivery of professional development opportunities and tools, as well as assessment of needs and analysis of results and future needs. (Promoted to Franchise Development Manager)

Hampshire College Admissions Counselor, Amherst, MA. September 1999-August 2000. Reading, evaluating student applications, interviewing students, hosting and performing as the main speaker at information sessions to interested students and their families, college fairs and high school visits, planning and implementing Admissions events bringing together interested applicants, current students, and Hampshire college staff and faculty.

q  Instructional, Teaching and Mentoring Experience

Greenhouse Scholars Mentor (Volunteer), September 2008-present. Mentoring high-risk college students receiving scholarship and other support from Greenhouse Scholars. Volunteering on several advisory boards and leading application/interview committees.

Instructor, Psychology Department, Rutgers University, 2001-2006. Sole instructor for Psychology of Language, an upper level Cognition and Psychology course and sole instructor for three different Psychology laboratory courses - hands-on, small group-setting lab course for Psychology undergraduates. Tasks included creating and delivering course content, grading, and meeting with students regarding individual assignments and course related projects.

Rutgers University Writing Program Tutor, 2004-2006. Working with students in required reading comprehension and expository writing courses to define and organize topics, questions, and supporting points for their compositions, setting weekly goals with students, reporting on student progress, and employing the "minimalist tutoring" protocol so that students received guidance without dependence on tutoring.

References: Available upon request

2011 in review

I filed for unemployment yesterday which felt a little like cutting a pound of flesh out of myself, but needed to be done. It is still less than half of what I need to survive, and it is still impossible for me to believe I am in this situation. It is still necessary for me to find part-time work right away (which will, of course, eliminate everything I'm getting from unemployment). And it is still dire for me to find full-time work. It is still frightening as hell to think about becoming a person who runs around trying to make a certain amount of money every week by stitching together part time gigs, and it is still worrisome that if I do become that person, I might never have the time to find the full time work that makes me feel happy and rewarded.

And so it is also true that I had a mini-panic attack last night. Suddenly, while sitting in the living room surrounded by fabulous people, I couldn't maintain "being ok." I decided to not NOT be ok in a way that made other people deal with it so I escaped upstairs for 10 minutes and sat in the dark. I was trying to breathe and slow everything down, but the opposite happened and everything started to speed up and feel scarier and huger. Luckily one of my two best friends found me and stopped the madness.

But, despite all of this, I am trying to not let these hard moments, difficult decisions, disappointments and anxieties define what I did accomplish this year. I did a lot of good stuff this year. I gave a lot, I discovered a lot, I worked on important things, and I have a lot to be proud of. It often takes me some time after the new year to carefully consider and design my New Year's resolutions. I always want my goals to be achievable, and to have, if not a deadline, a definite way of telling if they have been met. So, don't expect to see that post for at least a week. In the meantime, here is a recounting of 2011.

• I got out of my knee braces after a year (and then rejoiced because I could wear normal clothes again!)

• I was able to bring the level of my work outs higher than where it left off when my knees were injured and lift some serious weights
  
• I started running
  
• I actually achieved treating my workouts like a priority. This is huge for me since I typically treat gym time as a "have to/don't want to"
  
• I saw a dietician and between her and my trainer started cleaning up my eating and accountability issues with food
  
• I started praying again and trying to reconnect with God. This is definitely an "in progress" type thing for me.
  
• I helped a friend learn how to swim, and in the process got so much more than I gave - inspiration, the chance to be part of her accomplishment, a deeper friendship with someone amazing, a structure to help support my need to get up and workout on Saturday morngings, and a chance to learn a lot from how she meets her goals
  
• Broke a facebook rule and made a great new friend because of it
  
• Reconnected with another old friend and got really close
  
• Stood up for myself and the people I worked with at my job
  
• Learned to poach eggs
  
• Took a class on not only singing solo but leading a band in performance and then sang on stage with the band!
• Took responsibility for my needs and broke up with my boyfriend.
  
• Have managed, so far, to stay friends with him and still give him support.
  
• Took responsibility for my part in an unfortunate misunderstanding with a friend and patched up our friendship
  
• Went back to therapy (while some might see this as sad news, I see it as good news that I was ready to work on myself and start thinking about ways to improve my life)
  
• Started eating meat again! Aiieeeee! ( I still have some distance to go on cooking it but I've had bacon, chicken, duck, turkey, ham, pork tenderloin, burgers, and beef tenderloin so that's pretty solid for a 12 year recovering vegetarian)
  
• Started this blog. Was amazed at how much it resonated with people. (Surely I am not that interesting?!) Was even more fascinated by how much there is to learn about myself via writing about . . . me. So narcissistic, so weirdly helpful.
  
  
  To be full-on faithful to the mission of accountability and self-improvement, I should check this list against my goals and resolutions for 2011and see how I measure up. But for now, I'm going to rest on these laurels. I'm also going to stop typing since I managed, in the final 4 hours of my benefits, to chop part of my finger off last night.

My perfect job

Two friends have suggested I get very clear on what my perfect job would be. One of these friends believes very much in the beautiful order that can sometimes emerge in the chaos of the universe. The other believes very deeply in God and thus believes that nothing is completely random.

But the fact that I had this request twice in 24 hours, and from two people who have been helping me job search pretty intensely, felt like a sign to me.

I've been spending some time talking to God. My prayer is a little different depending on what I am most feeling and dealing with at the moment. And no, this doesn't doesn't answer my continuing questions about God. Or solve my issues in that relationship.

"God, I'm really scared. I know I need to learn to accept help and support from you and my loved ones, but please don't make that mean I have to move into someone's basement. I am trying to talk to you every day so that I can build a stronger bond with you. I know there are broken parts of my life I can't fix on my own, and I know needing help means I won't always be in control. I know I need to learn that lesson. Please help to guide me into seeing this as an opportunity for a better job, and a better way to be me. I want to believe that I can have that and deserve it. Please help me be patient, diligent, faithful, and to have the conviction to discern what the right next steps are. I know not my will, but yours, will be done but I am hoping for this to be a good change, not a scary one. In your name. Amen."

Sometimes the prayer is like this, "Please help me to forgive, move on, and let go of my bitterness." Or even, "Keep my ass in gear big guy - this is not time to get depressed and paralyzed."

Other times the prayer is just an unspoken wish, a picture in my head of what I want life to be like.

And it's like that bad joke. "A flood came and wiped out a town. A man got up on his roof, and watched as his house and belongings were submerged. A towns' person came running by saying, 'Mister, follow me! We can still leave." and he said, "Thanks, but no thanks. I believe in God. I go to church. I pray. God will save me.' The water rises, and soon a boat comes by and the people in it call out, "Come with us. we'll save you!' And the man shakes his head and says, 'I believe in God. I go to church. I pray. God will save me.' the water rises more and is washing everything away. a Helicopter flies over and lowers a ladder to the man, but he refuses saying, 'I believe in God. I go to church. I pray. God will save me.' The flood wipes everything out, and the man dies, and as he stands in front of God he grows angry and says, 'God, I believed in you. I went to church. I prayed. Why didn't you save me?' and God says, 'I sent a man, a boat, and a helicopter to you. Not to mention my only son! Why are you here?' "

I can't ignore when things converge, even if I don't know what it means to me. I've been praying for a job, for a pathway, for the ability to accept help and be patient. And now two of my friends have come by during the flood and called up to me on the roof, "Hey, make sure you know what you're looking for before you go out there."

So, here goes.

My perfect job is to get paid to write this. Except, I'm not sure that job exists. And if it did, would writing this blog be as much fun for me? Sometimes getting paid for an avocation makes it less meaningful (there are psych studies showing this!), less enjoyable. Either way, I'm pretty sure that job doesn't come with benefits. Which I badly need.

So, next down on the list is being in a position involving teaching/training. I've looked at non-traditional paths to teaching certification, adjuncting at the college level, but I have looked mainly at corporate training.

At this point, I would like to have a blend of working independently vs. working in a team or larger group setting, and to be working with "the right people on the bus" as Jim Collins would say. I value working with people and organizations that are passionate not just about positive change and impact, but evaluating how best to deliver positive change. I am primarily looking into non-profits, health or human service, or education groups because I would like to work with groups that make decisions about what is best for their employees or "clients" (or the targeted outcomes they are trying to achieve) based on value that is calculated in ways beyond the bottom line. I would dearly like to work in the realm of education and/or in ways that call on my expertise in working with students of many ages. Most of all, I want the kind of job that excites me each day; in other words, something I truly believe in. I also value organizations that hire individuals in the hopes of allowing them to grow in and beyond their current position and/or that promote ongoing professional/educational development in their associates.

I need a workplace that appreciates my long memory, perfectionism, attention to detail, organization, communication, and honesty. I'm loyal and hard working, so being surrounded by like minded people is a plus. I do not have IT, publishing, or e-Learning experience, but I'm all for getting some. I do have teaching, consulting, and professional development experience.

What I learned from my last job is this - being good at something and liking it aren't always the same thing, but can easily be mistaken for one another. I also learned that there is a limitation to how much change one person can render alone, and without support. So, for-profit or non-profit, educational or business centered, the organization must be one that values hiring people to grow into other roles, has integrity, and puts real thought into supporting their people.

It seems like a lot to ask, right?

I know, but I have to believe this happened for a reason and that it allows me to find something much closer to my dream job. Or at least I have to believe it when I'm not too consumed by freaking out.

Conversations I never thought I'd have

In the past week, I've had a series of conversations I never imagined would enter into my existence.

1. "Please press 1 if you want to hear Frequently Asked Questions about filing an unemployment claim."

This was not so much a conversation as a horrifying, demoralizing, depressing phone call. Technically, I'm not unemployed for another week. But I'm trying to be on my game and get all my details sorted out.

The truth is, unemployment in Colorado is pretty limited. I can't really pay rent and bills on it, unless I plan to eat, well, nothing (not an exaggeration). So, this of course means part time work in the interim. So, I need to look into what I'd like to do there: FedEx Kinkos is hiring. And I've had some thoughtful offers from two people I know, which of course makes those offers simultaneously more attractive and more complicated.

The deeper truth is, I don't want to file for unemployment. Even if it was enough money to make a go of it (and it really is NOT!), I'd rather not. Part of this is pride. But part of it is that I think there is a stigma about collecting for time on the couch. So, yeah, that's probably pride too.

2. "You have to promise you'll let me know if you need prescriptions you can't afford."

I made said promise, but if and when that time comes. I'm not sure I can do it. I know what my prescriptions cost 10 years ago without prescription coverage. I never heard words that felt truer to me than when President Obama stated that our debt crisis was synonymous with our health care failures. I never lived scarier times than my first four years of grad school without any access to health care. (correction: never scarier times than now.) I put everything on the line for my education, and that meant paying hundreds of dollars every month out of pocket for drugs that save my life every day.

Things are better for me here in Colorado than they were in New Jersey by a LOT. I'm unlikely to drop dead if I go a day or two without meds for asthma. But, if I don't have them for long periods of time I am likely to end up being hospitalized for asthma or bronchitis/pneumonia. I have permanent lung damage so I really, really need those meds. But do I need them enough to take that money from my mom knowing what she'd have to give up to do it??

3. "What's your full legal name? I need it for some paperwork regarding ___(her son)______."

Let me 'splain. A couple of years ago, a friend asked me if I would be her son's guardian if she should ever pass away. Or rather, she said something about it on Facebook and then we talked about how she knows I love him, have good values, and that he would love me. Since then, she has re-married. It seems that she and her husband are updating their wills and advanced directives in light of their fairly new wedded bliss. So, her son's father would still have shared custody, and of course, if she departed and her husband was still here, he would share custody with the father. But in the event that both she and her husband pass, I would be the other half of her son's guardianship and share with his father.

So, the conversation went like this. "__(ex husband and father)__ doesn't get him?"

"He would get his legal amount of time but not 100%."

"I get it. I would be his 'mom' side. I'm honored!"

"Yep. If __(new husband)____ and I go at the same time."

"Promise - if that day comes I'll raise him to be smart and caring, sweet and strong. And to love himself and be grateful for all you two did and gave him! But let's hope that doesn't happen. He and I would miss you too much."

I am honored. It's amazing to me that even in my precarious current situation my friend thinks I am the best choice. It's unlikely that this will ever come to pass, but it's a stunning vote of confidence.

I want kids so, so much and it feels like someone saying, "I know you can do it. " I will take any positive reinforcement I can get.

4. "There is a guest room just crying out for you."

This was a conversation with my two amazing friends about the guest room in their house they often refer to as "Christie's room."

I have had several of these types of conversations. My mom would be happy to have me in her basement. And my Uncle jumped right up and said,"I'd be happy to put your things in a truck and move you back here." and my cousin and aunt are itching to have me in Seattle.

But here's the thing - as much as I badly need to dump the rent on this place (I would never have rented a place this large just for me. It was chosen, in large part, to house the office I no longer need to run.) moving into someone's basement/guest room/etc. is a difficult prospect for me. Of course there is pride. I have been working for TWO DECADES. And I have been taking care of myself for half of my life, literally. It would be hard for me to give that up, of course it would be hard.

But, the bigger problem is that my life is here. Most of my strong contacts are here. And there isn't enough money for me to job hunt AND move. There's enough for one or the other, and either will still have to be on a severe budget. So, if I job hunt and fail, then I won't have any money to move, and vice-versa. So, the event that causes me to move in with someone means I have hit bottom, and have to sell all of my stuff for bus fare. Or something equally horrifying.


None of this is to say I am hopeless. All of it is to say I am very anxious about how to make this work and feeling overwhelmed.

Coping and moving on

I have to say, it's a little unbelievable that after 5.5 years of unwavering support and hard work, my company decided to end my position the week of Christmas. It sounds like the beginning of a bad joke, or maybe the beginning of a sad but hopeful Christmas movie.

What I'm trying for here, though, is the hopeful without the sad. I've never been let go before, so I don't know how I'm supposed to behave. But by people checking in on me I gather I haven't been as sad or panicked as I'm meant to be. Don't get me wrong, I'm not happy about the way this happened, or the position it's left me in. And I'm way scared about money. But there's a way to look at this like it's a break-up that needed to happen.

I've been thinking a lot about my break-ups lately and how they usually send me into a spiral of near paralyzing depression and bring up every judgement and feeling of worthlessness I have. That in turn drives me to curl up on my couch feeling alone and numb. That, in turn, means I don't work out, and sooner rather than later I find myself consuming a whole frozen pizza or two bowls of popcorn. Or both. And then, when the faucet gets turned back on to my emotions what first comes streaming out is those same judgements and feelings of being lower than low and not worth anything better. And the band plays on.

Well, here is what has happened this week, pretty much in this order:

• I was let go

• I told my mom and posted on Facebook

• I texted my five best friends (and didn't text the fifth because she just had a baby)

• I freaked out and cried for about an hour, and called my therapist

• My longest-running best friend called me (it's good to have someone who has known you for over 30 years and still loves you!)

• Then I decided to go about my day and week.

I've been to Garden of the Gods with my mom, to a movie, and to the gym. I had the friends over I was planning on having over that night, and we played a hilarious game and ate really good soup and crab dip. I drank several beers.

Don't get me wrong, there have been some tough thoughts about money, about packing up my office, about the way this was handled, and there have been some frantic moments of "Must update my Linkedin profile NOW," and resumes, and job searches, and anxious thoughts about unemployment and part-time work.

But there haven't been any dark moments on the couch. Or in the shower. Or in this chair.

Usually in a relationship, I'm the person getting dumped, left, or abandoned. I wait, and I stay, and I see the good in someone, and I hope and try and believe in loyalty. And so when things aren't working, I usually want to do anything but STOP and break up. Consequently, when things need to end, it's on the other person to end it. So, I shouldn't be surprised that in the relationship that was taking up all my waking hours, they had to break up with me and find the door for me. In the end, that part of getting let go is just like getting dumped.

What's interestingly different is that in every break-up, in every other case where I've been left, I've been mad and resentful but also worried in a deep-down place that I don't acknowledge often that it was somehow my fault. That if I had had that fight differently, that if I had talked about my goals or needs differently, that if I had needed less . . . that if SOMETHING about me had been different that person would be there. To hold myself to the highest level of honesty, I do have to admit I've had a few wandering thoughts of, "If I had volunteered for ___" but then immediately I think, "NO." I am sure this was not about my performance on the job, and equally sure it is not about my results. Knowing that means I don't have to worry I did this somehow. It means I don't have to claim blame.

This means I'm not feeling I have to heal too much from this loss. So, I took a couple of days to enjoy my mom's visit, and that meant I took a brief sabbatical from the gym (and returned hard-core today). and we've eaten out some. And I had more than my fair share of beer on Tuesday . . . which I feel I can do because I know I can NOT do it and be ok.

But here's an interesting thing. Despite what I would consider a normal amount of "Mom is visiting from out of town" interruption to my eating, imbibing, and working out plans, I lost a pound this week.
So, I'm going to make a prediction to you all - If I don't fall into the trap of cheap, bad-for-us-all food that many Americans who struggle with money do, my guess is that while pounds won't fly off of me in 2012, the inexplicable wall keeping me from progressing may have been knocked down by this event. I have had concerns for years that this job was holding me back so . . . here it is. Nothing else is holding me back now!

I'm sure there will be panic and anxiety in the weeks to come, and moments of self-doubt. But in this moment, I am grateful for the opportunity to reinvent myself in the new year. And I am beyond grateful for the friends I have. I've had two offers of part-time work, three friends who forwarded me job opportunities within 48 hours, friends who have offered to put my resume in the hands of contacts or practice interviews with me, and friends who have offered to put me up. Wow. What a gift to know I am this loved in the week when everyone is usually hunkering down and focusing on their own immediate families.

I'll tell you what I'd like to do - I'd like to write this blog professionally. Any takers? any independently wealthy readers who want to fund that? With benefits? Anyone? Bueller?

No. Ok. Well then, I guess it's a good thing I already started on my applications for these five jobs people forwarded to me.

Tomorrow, though, I wish for this for you all on Christmas: may everyone think for a moment about what they have, and if it is what they want or signed up for. If it is, be grateful for the frustrations, hard times, and disappointments, as they make it possible for the good times to shine brighter. Whatever it is you have in your life - children, job, partner, house, goals, dreams, talents, love, strength, a business to run, a dissertation to write. If it's not what you need, then be grateful for the door you will come to when you leave it. And give love to the person next to you. Though there is some doubt to the actual correct birth date of Jesus, and though I still have some questions about what belief in his word means to me, his message is one of love and of sharing love and acceptance. I believe in that.

We celebrate Martin Luther King's birthday on a convenient date for the calendar, so why not this? So love on each other today and tomorrow, and see how long you can keep it going. (So sorry to be majorly mushy. I've just had a really strange week that has presented to me over and over how blessed I am to be so loved by so many wonderous people so I'm trying to spread it.)

Loss

I have all kinds of posts I've been writing and working on for a week or more that should be getting my time and attention but I'm bypassing that for today.

Today I was asked to attend a phone meeting with my supervisor at 9am. The agenda set forth for the meeting was, "Priorities for next year." Instead he asked about the very complicated project I completed yesterday, and then asked me to hold while he dialed someone else onto the line. It turned out it was HR getting on the phone to handle a conversation about the dissolution of my position and the terms of my limited severance.

So, there it is. Jobless for the first time since I was 14 years old. There was a brief stint during my first semester of grad school before I had gotten wise to the ways of picking up extra money from my university (teaching and tutoring), but really. I've haven't been unemployed since before I was too young to be employed. I have always earned my own way and taken care of myself since I can remember.

This is a weird feeling. I'd like to not be working due to a better reason. Like babies to care for. Or winning the lottery :)

Instead, my job is just gone. It seems this is through no fault of my own, but it is hard not to take it personally when it comes at this time of year and after all my hard work. I think in the end, the company is going through a lot of change and I was exfoliated during that process.

In truth, I am not sad about the job. I had outgrown it some time ago and no longer felt I was being challenged, growing, or being fully appreciated. In that sense, this is an opportunity. My therapist was fairly dancing as he coached me through this and saying, "I'm sorry, I can't help but be excited about this! I think this is such a great opportunity to be grateful for." I agree with him in the thinking about the job. He is right. It is time to find a better fit. It is time to keep growing. It's time to stop holding myself back because I'm afraid to give up what's comfortable for what might be better; what might be ecstatically happy.

On the other hand, I know people who have looked and looked and looked. One of them lived in my mom's basement for far longer than was good for either of them. I am not sorry about the job. I'm scared about the paycheck. I posted on facebook this morning, "I just lost my job." and this afternoon I posted, "Sometimes change is chaotic, scary, and handled badly. Sometimes it's an opening. This will be both I think." The later is perhaps the more deeply honest statement. There is an opportunity here, but there is also some real damage in how it came about. Isn't there a Hindu Goddess that is in charge of both? That paves the way for change by tearing the walls down? I have her on my mind today.

Since judging myself is the thing I DO it is very hard work not to make this a judgement about me being a bad person, a poor worker, or in some other way my fault. I am working really hard to breathe through that and am very lucky to have amazing support from just droves of people who love me and help shine my light a little brighter. Some amazing special mentions (thought I've had all kinds of calls, texts, and facebooks and couldn't possibly mention everyone. But thank you!) go to my mom for helping to keep things at an even keel today, to my bestie Rob for calling right away and listening to my messy thoughts, to my other bestie David for putting words to my anger when I couldn't, to my brother for being quietly supportive, to my lovely best girlfriend for calling me immediately despite having a nursing baby to care for, to my therapist for helping me breathe through my initial hour of reaction, to my dear friend Wil for starting to forward me job search ideas right away, and to all my ladies who are coming over tonight to surround me with laughter and beer. Probably the best medicine for this day.

Tomorrow I will ship my computer and cell phone and next month someone will come to clean out my office. So be it.

I will get there and start thinking of this as a good thing. Maybe not today though.

In the meantime this quote from someone talking about felting and making beauty and art out of what you're doing applies today, and thanks to Wil for this," You have to know how to use the accident, how to recognize it, how to control it and ways to eliminate it so that the whole surface looks felt and born all at once." -- Helen Frankenthaler '49

Putting myself first

On the mirror in my bathroom it says, "Make yourself a priority." There are also various sticky notes in various places that say things like, "This appointment is just as important as every other you make," and "Commit to yourself."

And yet, it's really easy for me to think, Hi, you. the laundry needs to be folded and there is more wrapping and cleaning before mom gets here. Or, Mom is here! It's rude to go to the gym while she reads a book!

Yesterday, mom chose not to go to the gym with me, knowing I'd be gone for at least three hours (running, swimming laps, and then working with a friend plus a shower take up a solid chunk of time). It was her choice. When I texted my friend that Mom wouldn't be joining us she immediately said, "I don't want to take time away from your mom." and I get that. I don't want to take time away from my mom either. But the truth is, wherever I am, I have to be willing to put time into this process every day. If I'm traveling for work, I still have to try and eat right and get up early to exercise. If I go to India, which is a dream I have (and where one of my client's mothers apparently gives her head massages and brings her tea every morning, I recently found out), I will have to walk and make sure I get plenty of protein and vegetables. If I was at my mom's house, I would have to fight to find the time for cardio every day. So, if she's at my house, the same rules apply.

It took reaching down to pull up on my sense of personal responsibility and my desire to work on my goals to text my friend back and say, "I really want to swim. No one else is going to get my cardio done for me."

It feels . . . selfish to me to put myself first. It's a new experience. I've always been asked to put others first. As a caretaker in my family, my needs were always subservient to those of others, and expressing them was always received badly. And so that is the space I learned to occupy in the world. I see it in all my past relationships, in how work expands and fills more of my week than it should, in everything I've sacrificed to be where I am. Saying no is always hard for me, unless I'm saying no to the voice that says, "Get your workout done. And while you're at it, eat some broccoli instead of some popcorn."

But the truth is, no one will work out for me. My job will not take responsibility for the weight their crazy schedule and too-high expectations caused me to gain 4 years ago. My mom can't eat broccoli for me or take popcorn away from me. And if not everyone can understand that I can work out 6 days a week, 5-7 hours a week, and eat everything right, and still get minimal results, then the least I can do is to understand it and act on it. Compassion to myself means knowing the scale won't always move even if I do what I'm supposed to, but it also means lovingly getting my butt out of the seat and to the gym. Loving myself means forgiving the bowl of popcorn for dinner but also trying to do better the next day and pack my protein and veggie lunch to take with me on the road. Patience is a gift I can give myself by not judging how slow my results are, but also by planning for the long haul and knowing that taking the long view means owning that working out this much or more will be my life forever.

I have a lot of understanding, compassion, love, and patience to give other people. I tend to have endless supplies even when times may be really hard for me or when I may be angry with another person. I need to learn to apply some of it to myself. Because the truth is that if my metabolism and hormones fight even my best efforts, then putting in less than my absolute max will serve me not at all. And the other hard truth is that if things are this hard now in my 30's, my elder years will only get worse. Without work and discipline and giving myself enough love and time I could easily become a 500 pound woman that needs to be cut out of her house. I don't think I'm exaggerating to say that.

It took alllllllllll yeaaaaaaar to get to the point where my gym schedule orbits cleanly through my other obligations. Even now there are little hops and skips when I'm sick or traveling. The difference between now and a year ago is that now if the record skips, I know how to bring the needle back down to play through. A year ago, missing one workout usually was the beginning of a long string of missed workouts. Now I know that if it is missed I must get back up on the horse the next day before I find myself on a slippery slope, and ideally, "make up" the missed workout. (This is a little like doing extra-homework to catch up when I was out of school for pneumonia in elementary school.) My workouts now matter to me in a different way than they did. I know that without them I will feel less pleased with myself, regardless of the scale or my jean size. I know I will have more stress. I know I will tend towards more depression. I know what my workouts give me. Which is why there is also a sticky note in my house that says, "It will feel good AFTER you go." That is a true story. Before walking out the door, it'd be my pleasure to stay on the couch reading. After going to the gym I know I will feel more productive, happier, more energetic.

There's another result of working out: I have discovered it directly effects how well I eat. You'd think that working out and being hungry from it could lead me to fries and Cheezits, but it has the opposite effect. I come home from a work out determined to eat my brussel sprouts and chicken, and further, to plan and pack an awesome lunch for the next day. And here's the truth - while I could eat nachos and pizza all day long, I really do like brussel sprouts and chicken. So, if I know I like them, and feel better eating them, then why not do the thing that leads me to eat those things more and let go of the pizza and nachos. It turns out, shopping differently (ignore that Cheezits exist! There is no aisle 5!) and cooking the brussels and the chicken are just preliminary steps. The thing I really need to do is go to the gym and strengthen not just my lats and hamstrings, not just my core and abs, but also my resolve. So, I go. sometimes it feels like I'm dragging myself there by the ear, like a child who has sassed a crabby grandmother, but so be it.

So, I went to the gym yesterday, and it was so good to know I had done it and met my goals for the week. and as my mom naps on the couch this morning, I will continue to get ready to meet my trainer. It's what has to get done in order for everything else to line up as it should. I still have to make myself do it often, but I can see the day where it will make sense for it to be just as natural and expected as brushing my teeth. Off I go!