In the past week, I've had a series of conversations I never imagined would enter into my existence.
1. "Please press 1 if you want to hear Frequently Asked Questions about filing an unemployment claim."
This was not so much a conversation as a horrifying, demoralizing, depressing phone call. Technically, I'm not unemployed for another week. But I'm trying to be on my game and get all my details sorted out.
The truth is, unemployment in Colorado is pretty limited. I can't really pay rent and bills on it, unless I plan to eat, well, nothing (not an exaggeration). So, this of course means part time work in the interim. So, I need to look into what I'd like to do there: FedEx Kinkos is hiring. And I've had some thoughtful offers from two people I know, which of course makes those offers simultaneously more attractive and more complicated.
The deeper truth is, I don't want to file for unemployment. Even if it was enough money to make a go of it (and it really is NOT!), I'd rather not. Part of this is pride. But part of it is that I think there is a stigma about collecting for time on the couch. So, yeah, that's probably pride too.
2. "You have to promise you'll let me know if you need prescriptions you can't afford."
I made said promise, but if and when that time comes. I'm not sure I can do it. I know what my prescriptions cost 10 years ago without prescription coverage. I never heard words that felt truer to me than when President Obama stated that our debt crisis was synonymous with our health care failures. I never lived scarier times than my first four years of grad school without any access to health care. (correction: never scarier times than now.) I put everything on the line for my education, and that meant paying hundreds of dollars every month out of pocket for drugs that save my life every day.
Things are better for me here in Colorado than they were in New Jersey by a LOT. I'm unlikely to drop dead if I go a day or two without meds for asthma. But, if I don't have them for long periods of time I am likely to end up being hospitalized for asthma or bronchitis/pneumonia. I have permanent lung damage so I really, really need those meds. But do I need them enough to take that money from my mom knowing what she'd have to give up to do it??
3. "What's your full legal name? I need it for some paperwork regarding ___(her son)______."
Let me 'splain. A couple of years ago, a friend asked me if I would be her son's guardian if she should ever pass away. Or rather, she said something about it on Facebook and then we talked about how she knows I love him, have good values, and that he would love me. Since then, she has re-married. It seems that she and her husband are updating their wills and advanced directives in light of their fairly new wedded bliss. So, her son's father would still have shared custody, and of course, if she departed and her husband was still here, he would share custody with the father. But in the event that both she and her husband pass, I would be the other half of her son's guardianship and share with his father.
So, the conversation went like this. "__(ex husband and father)__ doesn't get him?"
"He would get his legal amount of time but not 100%."
"I get it. I would be his 'mom' side. I'm honored!"
"Yep. If __(new husband)____ and I go at the same time."
"Promise - if that day comes I'll raise him to be smart and caring, sweet and strong. And to love himself and be grateful for all you two did and gave him! But let's hope that doesn't happen. He and I would miss you too much."
I am honored. It's amazing to me that even in my precarious current situation my friend thinks I am the best choice. It's unlikely that this will ever come to pass, but it's a stunning vote of confidence.
I want kids so, so much and it feels like someone saying, "I know you can do it. " I will take any positive reinforcement I can get.
4. "There is a guest room just crying out for you."
This was a conversation with my two amazing friends about the guest room in their house they often refer to as "Christie's room."
I have had several of these types of conversations. My mom would be happy to have me in her basement. And my Uncle jumped right up and said,"I'd be happy to put your things in a truck and move you back here." and my cousin and aunt are itching to have me in Seattle.
But here's the thing - as much as I badly need to dump the rent on this place (I would never have rented a place this large just for me. It was chosen, in large part, to house the office I no longer need to run.) moving into someone's basement/guest room/etc. is a difficult prospect for me. Of course there is pride. I have been working for TWO DECADES. And I have been taking care of myself for half of my life, literally. It would be hard for me to give that up, of course it would be hard.
But, the bigger problem is that my life is here. Most of my strong contacts are here. And there isn't enough money for me to job hunt AND move. There's enough for one or the other, and either will still have to be on a severe budget. So, if I job hunt and fail, then I won't have any money to move, and vice-versa. So, the event that causes me to move in with someone means I have hit bottom, and have to sell all of my stuff for bus fare. Or something equally horrifying.
None of this is to say I am hopeless. All of it is to say I am very anxious about how to make this work and feeling overwhelmed.
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