Ok, let m preface this by saying that I so know I have been slacking on this blog. This month has been brutal, and I realized today . . . bleeeeeehhhh it's only half over. With three trips, and unexpected work on my schedule, I just feel painted into corners. I have no choice but to be on the road at 6 am tomorrow. I have no choice but to have done 12 - 14 hour days last week. That means I had no choices other than to eat the food at the conference last week. I have no choice but to not get enough sleep tomorrow, and still work out after a long day.
If there is anything that I hate, it's not having control. (Ahem. Yes, I am probably too structured for my own good.) To be really honest, the reason I started this blog was because I felt out of control and in the dark about my weight. I wanted to shed some light on what was working and what was not working so that I could investigate it out of the closet, out of the dark. In my head I thought that if I could be more honest, and more accountable for my choices, more searching about my patterns and tendencies, I could see clearly how to take charge, be more in control, and head in a direction I felt better about.
To some degree that has been true. But in other areas of my life, I do feel that things are speeding out of control (ahem! Work!). It sounds tongue-in-cheek but man, if only I didn't have to take care of my life like an adult, I'd be all set to work out and eat right! If I didn't have to travel again tomorrow I wouldn't have to worry about what food choices or lack of choices I'll be facing. I wouldn't be worrying about running at 10pm. I wouldn't be worrying that something else would come up that felt more important than my needs. If I hadn't worked today, I could easily have NOT been where there were bagels. I could have not had to eat lunch in my car. If I didn't have to pack tonight I could have gotten in a second workout.
But then I also think about how HARD it is to not hear the voices in my head saying, just as loud as can be, "There is a whole store a mile away just full of popcorn, ice cream, and frozen pizza. Doesn't that sound like a nice place to visit?" Those voices lurk around every corner. I swear they come out of the heating vents in my car, "Chrrrrriiiiisssstie. Stop at the nearest Starbucks and get a pumpkin latte and cupcake. Mmmmm." They show up at the store, trailing around behind me as I shop, "Dude! Greek yogurt is good, but do you know what's better? The entire frozen dessert aisle." But they seem to LIVE in my couch, "You're just sitting here. Why exercise? Doesn't a bowl of popcorn sound better?" I swear when I bought this couch it came with a speaker system I didn't know about that selectively broadcasts that misleading, evil voice.
What I really want is to be like all other addicts and go to rehab. I want to take a time-out on my life, go away, and put my focus on my issue. I want to locate a place inside myself that understands, deep down that this problem is forever, but that also doesn't mean I have to be haunted for forever. I want to build strategies without having to at the same time, solve a crisis at work, book flights for my mom to come for Christmas, think about family drama, or have a hard conversation with my boyfriend. I often think, "Everyone else gets to get sober before they have to deal with life and people!" (But I also realize that that may not be true. that there are probably a lot of people moving in and out of AA meetings who have to go home and cook dinner, pay bills, or have a fight with their spouse.)
I know that the difference between my addiction, and say, an alcoholic or drug addict, is that I can't not eat. I have to do the thing that causes me to be out of control. I can't decide not to go to the bar. I can't sever ties with my dealer. My drug is something that everyone needs in moderation, whereas "cocaine in moderation" doesn't sound like a recipe for health. (Anyone who knows of my Margaret Cho obsession will understand that the phrase "in moderation" constantly makes me think of her talking about her mother working at the book store and unpacking gay porn. Tee hee!) This means that my drug will always be a part of my life and my dealer shows up at every meal, party, most social interactions, work meetings, and inhabits every street corner. Moreover, I have to accept that in order to function in life, I have to be ok with showing up at parties that are unlikely to have cocaine or meth, but will almost always have food. And not just food, but trigger foods - maybe not everyone will serve the now infamous Cheezits but odds are that there'll be popcorn, or candy, or pizza, or something yummy for dessert, or honey roasted peanuts, or . . . or . . . or.
So, maybe it's not realistic to think that going to be somewhere outside of my stressful life would give me some opportunity I don't have. But I also have to accept so many instances of not being able to measure and prepare my food, so many times where I have to eat what's served, so many times where my choices are to work out or sleep, so many times where there isn't enough time for me to fold my laundry, much less take on the giant project of searching myself for how to overcome this and change.
So, yeah, I'll just admit it - I watch The Biggest Loser. Yup, I do. I know this show is highly produced, and I know that it's not anyone's reality, least of all mine, much less something to strive for. Of course, the fact that there are people who lose 100 pounds in 10 weeks catches my eye but also makes me wonder if that can possibly be a good thing). But it's more than that. It's not the prizes and money. It's not the fancy gym or makeovers. It's not the celebrities. It's that every single contestant has to to shed weight, but along the way they also all - down to the last one of them - overcome an emotional roadblock. Over the years of watching whatever weight loss shows are out there, it has become clear to me that for almost everyone fighting this fight this is an emotional disease much more than a physical one. I don't think that is the message of this show, and in fact, I think they do a pretty bad job of portraying it, but that is what I am tuned to see - it's the fact that people don't get fat primarily because they're lazy, ignorant of their situation or what would help, or unable to do something about it. People get heavy for the same reasons I eat out of control sometimes . . . because it is easier to do that than solving their other issues.
But what really keeps me coming back for more is that they get to leave behind the lifestyle that enabled their unhealthy patterns - at least for a little while. If they're lucky, they get to do it for long enough to start to form new patterns and habits. (And it doesn't hurt that the trainers are hot)
I long for that. I mean, I don't actually want to be on the show, because seriously peeps, I do NOT look pretty when I sweat. And ohhhh-eeeem-geee it's hard enough to get on a scale with just myself in the room. It gives me goosebumps to think about doing it on TV week after week. And let's be clear, that scale has HUGE numbers making every bad result that much more horrifying. Shiver! But the privilege to put all my energy and resources into putting my feet firmly on a better path, oh, how it calls to me.
I think there may be a "grass is greener" thought process here. I know that rehab isn't a vacation, and Biggest Loser contestants walk away from their jobs, true, but being on the show becomes their job for however long it lasts. Anyone who goes away to rehab, boot camp, or whatever other program, has to give up control, and the comfort and support of friends and family. But maybe, just maybe, my life is unhealthy in ways beyond my addiction. Maybe, just maybe my job stress contributes to how slowly I progress down this path. Maybe, just maybe if I could walk away from all of that for a few weeks (and NOT go to the Biggest Loser ranch, but go somewhere else aimed at healthy weight loss and getting to the bottom of what caused the weight gain) I might be able to better cement in new ways to be me.
In the meantime, I am thinking long and hard about salads and late night runs in Utah. Send me your support, good thoughts, resolve, prayers, and anything else you got!
