My perfect job

Two friends have suggested I get very clear on what my perfect job would be. One of these friends believes very much in the beautiful order that can sometimes emerge in the chaos of the universe. The other believes very deeply in God and thus believes that nothing is completely random.

But the fact that I had this request twice in 24 hours, and from two people who have been helping me job search pretty intensely, felt like a sign to me.

I've been spending some time talking to God. My prayer is a little different depending on what I am most feeling and dealing with at the moment. And no, this doesn't doesn't answer my continuing questions about God. Or solve my issues in that relationship.

"God, I'm really scared. I know I need to learn to accept help and support from you and my loved ones, but please don't make that mean I have to move into someone's basement. I am trying to talk to you every day so that I can build a stronger bond with you. I know there are broken parts of my life I can't fix on my own, and I know needing help means I won't always be in control. I know I need to learn that lesson. Please help to guide me into seeing this as an opportunity for a better job, and a better way to be me. I want to believe that I can have that and deserve it. Please help me be patient, diligent, faithful, and to have the conviction to discern what the right next steps are. I know not my will, but yours, will be done but I am hoping for this to be a good change, not a scary one. In your name. Amen."

Sometimes the prayer is like this, "Please help me to forgive, move on, and let go of my bitterness." Or even, "Keep my ass in gear big guy - this is not time to get depressed and paralyzed."

Other times the prayer is just an unspoken wish, a picture in my head of what I want life to be like.

And it's like that bad joke. "A flood came and wiped out a town. A man got up on his roof, and watched as his house and belongings were submerged. A towns' person came running by saying, 'Mister, follow me! We can still leave." and he said, "Thanks, but no thanks. I believe in God. I go to church. I pray. God will save me.' The water rises, and soon a boat comes by and the people in it call out, "Come with us. we'll save you!' And the man shakes his head and says, 'I believe in God. I go to church. I pray. God will save me.' the water rises more and is washing everything away. a Helicopter flies over and lowers a ladder to the man, but he refuses saying, 'I believe in God. I go to church. I pray. God will save me.' The flood wipes everything out, and the man dies, and as he stands in front of God he grows angry and says, 'God, I believed in you. I went to church. I prayed. Why didn't you save me?' and God says, 'I sent a man, a boat, and a helicopter to you. Not to mention my only son! Why are you here?' "

I can't ignore when things converge, even if I don't know what it means to me. I've been praying for a job, for a pathway, for the ability to accept help and be patient. And now two of my friends have come by during the flood and called up to me on the roof, "Hey, make sure you know what you're looking for before you go out there."

So, here goes.

My perfect job is to get paid to write this. Except, I'm not sure that job exists. And if it did, would writing this blog be as much fun for me? Sometimes getting paid for an avocation makes it less meaningful (there are psych studies showing this!), less enjoyable. Either way, I'm pretty sure that job doesn't come with benefits. Which I badly need.

So, next down on the list is being in a position involving teaching/training. I've looked at non-traditional paths to teaching certification, adjuncting at the college level, but I have looked mainly at corporate training.

At this point, I would like to have a blend of working independently vs. working in a team or larger group setting, and to be working with "the right people on the bus" as Jim Collins would say. I value working with people and organizations that are passionate not just about positive change and impact, but evaluating how best to deliver positive change. I am primarily looking into non-profits, health or human service, or education groups because I would like to work with groups that make decisions about what is best for their employees or "clients" (or the targeted outcomes they are trying to achieve) based on value that is calculated in ways beyond the bottom line. I would dearly like to work in the realm of education and/or in ways that call on my expertise in working with students of many ages. Most of all, I want the kind of job that excites me each day; in other words, something I truly believe in. I also value organizations that hire individuals in the hopes of allowing them to grow in and beyond their current position and/or that promote ongoing professional/educational development in their associates.

I need a workplace that appreciates my long memory, perfectionism, attention to detail, organization, communication, and honesty. I'm loyal and hard working, so being surrounded by like minded people is a plus. I do not have IT, publishing, or e-Learning experience, but I'm all for getting some. I do have teaching, consulting, and professional development experience.

What I learned from my last job is this - being good at something and liking it aren't always the same thing, but can easily be mistaken for one another. I also learned that there is a limitation to how much change one person can render alone, and without support. So, for-profit or non-profit, educational or business centered, the organization must be one that values hiring people to grow into other roles, has integrity, and puts real thought into supporting their people.

It seems like a lot to ask, right?

I know, but I have to believe this happened for a reason and that it allows me to find something much closer to my dream job. Or at least I have to believe it when I'm not too consumed by freaking out.

Conversations I never thought I'd have

In the past week, I've had a series of conversations I never imagined would enter into my existence.

1. "Please press 1 if you want to hear Frequently Asked Questions about filing an unemployment claim."

This was not so much a conversation as a horrifying, demoralizing, depressing phone call. Technically, I'm not unemployed for another week. But I'm trying to be on my game and get all my details sorted out.

The truth is, unemployment in Colorado is pretty limited. I can't really pay rent and bills on it, unless I plan to eat, well, nothing (not an exaggeration). So, this of course means part time work in the interim. So, I need to look into what I'd like to do there: FedEx Kinkos is hiring. And I've had some thoughtful offers from two people I know, which of course makes those offers simultaneously more attractive and more complicated.

The deeper truth is, I don't want to file for unemployment. Even if it was enough money to make a go of it (and it really is NOT!), I'd rather not. Part of this is pride. But part of it is that I think there is a stigma about collecting for time on the couch. So, yeah, that's probably pride too.

2. "You have to promise you'll let me know if you need prescriptions you can't afford."

I made said promise, but if and when that time comes. I'm not sure I can do it. I know what my prescriptions cost 10 years ago without prescription coverage. I never heard words that felt truer to me than when President Obama stated that our debt crisis was synonymous with our health care failures. I never lived scarier times than my first four years of grad school without any access to health care. (correction: never scarier times than now.) I put everything on the line for my education, and that meant paying hundreds of dollars every month out of pocket for drugs that save my life every day.

Things are better for me here in Colorado than they were in New Jersey by a LOT. I'm unlikely to drop dead if I go a day or two without meds for asthma. But, if I don't have them for long periods of time I am likely to end up being hospitalized for asthma or bronchitis/pneumonia. I have permanent lung damage so I really, really need those meds. But do I need them enough to take that money from my mom knowing what she'd have to give up to do it??

3. "What's your full legal name? I need it for some paperwork regarding ___(her son)______."

Let me 'splain. A couple of years ago, a friend asked me if I would be her son's guardian if she should ever pass away. Or rather, she said something about it on Facebook and then we talked about how she knows I love him, have good values, and that he would love me. Since then, she has re-married. It seems that she and her husband are updating their wills and advanced directives in light of their fairly new wedded bliss. So, her son's father would still have shared custody, and of course, if she departed and her husband was still here, he would share custody with the father. But in the event that both she and her husband pass, I would be the other half of her son's guardianship and share with his father.

So, the conversation went like this. "__(ex husband and father)__ doesn't get him?"

"He would get his legal amount of time but not 100%."

"I get it. I would be his 'mom' side. I'm honored!"

"Yep. If __(new husband)____ and I go at the same time."

"Promise - if that day comes I'll raise him to be smart and caring, sweet and strong. And to love himself and be grateful for all you two did and gave him! But let's hope that doesn't happen. He and I would miss you too much."

I am honored. It's amazing to me that even in my precarious current situation my friend thinks I am the best choice. It's unlikely that this will ever come to pass, but it's a stunning vote of confidence.

I want kids so, so much and it feels like someone saying, "I know you can do it. " I will take any positive reinforcement I can get.

4. "There is a guest room just crying out for you."

This was a conversation with my two amazing friends about the guest room in their house they often refer to as "Christie's room."

I have had several of these types of conversations. My mom would be happy to have me in her basement. And my Uncle jumped right up and said,"I'd be happy to put your things in a truck and move you back here." and my cousin and aunt are itching to have me in Seattle.

But here's the thing - as much as I badly need to dump the rent on this place (I would never have rented a place this large just for me. It was chosen, in large part, to house the office I no longer need to run.) moving into someone's basement/guest room/etc. is a difficult prospect for me. Of course there is pride. I have been working for TWO DECADES. And I have been taking care of myself for half of my life, literally. It would be hard for me to give that up, of course it would be hard.

But, the bigger problem is that my life is here. Most of my strong contacts are here. And there isn't enough money for me to job hunt AND move. There's enough for one or the other, and either will still have to be on a severe budget. So, if I job hunt and fail, then I won't have any money to move, and vice-versa. So, the event that causes me to move in with someone means I have hit bottom, and have to sell all of my stuff for bus fare. Or something equally horrifying.


None of this is to say I am hopeless. All of it is to say I am very anxious about how to make this work and feeling overwhelmed.