faith vs. confidence

Dictionary definition: Faith - noun

1. confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another's ability.

2. belief that is not based on proof: He had faith that the hypothesis would be substantiated by fact.

3. belief in God or in the doctrines or teachings of religionr: the firm faith of the Pilgrims.

4. belief in anything, as a code of ethics, standards of merit, etc.: to be of the same faith with someone concerning honesty.

5. a system of religious belief: the Christian faith; the Jewish faith.

Dictionary Definition: Confidence - noun

1. a feeling of trust in a person or thing: I have confidence in his abilities 

2.  belief in one's own abilities; self-assurance 

3.  trust or a trustful relationship: take me into your confidence 

4.  something confided or entrusted; secret 

5. in confidence, as a secret


So, I went on a date last night. Let me just say that dating in general is pretty strange for me. And if you had asked me 5 years ago what dating would look like for me in my mid-30's I would have . . . well, first I would have shook my head, bewildered and thought, "Ummm, I won't be dating 5 years from now. I will be done with all of that by then." But I also wouldn't have predicted that dating in my mid-30's is surprising in that the things that were complicated when I was dating in my 20's have completely evaporated, and yet, there are things about being a real grown up that make dating really, really intriguingly not simple. I'm no longer running around drunk with a crew of friends, making out with inappropriate people, but I'm also subject to scrutiny on parts of my life that were never discussed in the dating situations I was in 5 years ago. It's pretty fascinating.

Add to it all that at this moment when I'm out being social, date or not, the typical getting-to-know you questions still apply. Someone always, always asks, "So, what do you do?" My first taste of this was at my annual New Year's gathering where a lovely new friend said, "So, what do you do?" and I leaned forward and slyly said," So glad you asked! I'm unemployed as of a week ago!" He's a smartie, that one, and said, "Let me re-phrase - what were you doing around Thanksgiving?" Chortle.

I have many potential answers to this question stored in my head. "I am currently a human resources specialist - my specialty is trying to find a match between my human resources and a job." " I am a professional interviewee." "I've gotten REALLY good at keeping up with my laundry." "I am a house-non-wife." "I work from home." In practice, I try not to be sarcastic. In this situation, that would make it seem as if I was spackling over some bitterness or fear, neither of which I feel too often. But, those answers all do run through my head when someone asks the inevitable, because I'm aware that there are assumptions about the unemployed that could be made. I don't necessarily assume that people are assuming those things about me and my unemployment, but I do know that there are people who might assume I got fired for cause, am lazy, did something wrong in order to be in this position, etc.

So, while on this date last night I found myself discussing my unemployment and trying not to sound too rainbows-and-butterflies while honestly saying how good it has been for me. He seemed to buy it so I was able to say, "You know, I have scary moments, but a lot fewer of them these days. I have a lot of faith that this was for a reason and that I'll be employed doing something interesting soon." He answered, commenting, "Is it that you have faith, or that you have confidence in your abilities being able to land you a job soon?" I could have taken that almost rhetorically, but because this life change has been so immense, so moving, and so eye-opening in areas of my life I couldn't have predicted as I was being let go on December 20th, it was important to me to say, "I do have confidence. But for me, right now, it really is that I have faith. I have a real feeling, with each interview, that I can see the picture of what is coming starting to form and that whatever it is is arriving soon."

My favorite explanation of faith actually comes from the Bible - go figure! I know! - which is not really usually my deal.

"faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1

I'm interested that in the dictionary definitions for both faith and confidence the words trust and belief are used. (As a linguist, I've often taught undergrads that when thinking about the dictionary in the brain, or the lexicon, it's not enough to consider only a word's definition, because all words are defined in terms of other words. It becomes circular very quickly. So, there's a lot of evidence that suggests that there is a LOT of other information filed in that internal database.) And I'm not that surprised that faith uses the word confidence to describe it.

I struggle with faith, as you all certainly know.

I have confidence or trust in people and things, as well as my own confidence in my abilities or the abilities of others. I have have confidence that if you give people enough time and opportunity, they will show you their good side. I believe that the sun will rise, and have confidence in it. I also know I have strengths and weaknesses, and that combined with my experience and education it means I am marketable and that I can join an organization and perform well. I have complete trust that I could make a successful survival plan to withstand a zombie apocalypse. But that's not it

I have a belief in God, if not always a strong grasp on particular teachings or doctrines of religion. But that's not it.

I do have a belief in a code of ethics and standard of ethics. I believe that people are more important than things, and that love is something you give and show, not just say or feel. I believe that morals and principles are nothing if actions are inconsistent with them. I believe that most, if not all, giving is not purely altruistic - I believe the giver is also getting something they need. And for me, that's because God designed it that way - that our emotions would reward us for caring for each other. So, for me, I also believe that ignoring suffering erodes that intended connection. I believe in being loyal, and honest, and having the courage of my convictions. I believe my learning these lessons, and others, is ongoing and lifelong. I believe that people (and by people I mean ME) are imperfect and make mistakes, and so I believe in forgiveness, even though this is an area I am especially imperfect in. But that's not it either.

I do not, as the 5th definition says, have a system of religious belief such as the Christian faith or the Jewish faith. (I know a lot about both, and some other faiths and traditions and practices for good measure, but finding the right fit for me has never been about how much I know. I'm still wrestling with this one - stick a pin in it because it's coming soon to this blog!) So, that is definitely not it.

Closest to what I feel is the definition in number 2 - belief that is not based on proof. But that seems so . . . clinical and incomplete. I have a belief that is the substance of things hoped for, and and the evidence of things not seen. My faith is somehow the proof that things are happening the way they are supposed to. It wasn't my plan to be single and unemployed, all at once. (It was within a month of each other, not 5 minutes, but to me, it felt that way). It also doesn't seem like an accident to me. If it hadn't happened that way, I wouldn't have made those changes. It's like . . . I needed the rug ripped out from underneath me in order to see how nice the floor was without it.

I am not someone who often talks about or recognizes faith. We're not close friends, faith and I and are often wary with one another. So, the fact of my unwavering faith right now is the proof I need that something good is happening here.

I am someone who usually fights so hard with self-blame, guilt, and beating myself up. And what that often, too often, translates into is that I hold onto things for too long. And I make myself miserable with it. So, it also doesn't feel like coincidence to me that so very quickly I was able to see my breakup and my job loss as positives. I'm not saying I haven't worked hard to take ownership of moving on, and I won't ever discount the help I've gotten from my friends, but I also can't deny that it's not NORMAL for potentially difficult things to make me . . . happy.

So, I have confidence, I have belief, and I have help, all of which I'm grateful for, but I also have faith that things are happening according to plan, even if it's not mine.

How would your friends describe you?

It's no secret that I am busily interviewing around and trying to close myself a job offer.

Interviews are interesting places for someone like me. I typically present pretty well since I am an ENFJ. I have some typical ENFJ strengths such as being a communicator, and strong verbally. I come across as being very self-aware (and I think it's not just an act, most of the time), intuitive and empathetic, friendly, and gregarious. This bodes well in an interview, especially since at this point I'm seeking only jobs where I would be impacting people.

I've heard recently that employers are asking people strange questions just to see how they deal with curve balls. Well, if my interview involved being on an actual baseball field and hitting a ball, no way, but I'd like to think I handle those questions ok. I've been asked what my greatest accomplishment was, if I've ever inspired anyone, what the most courageous thing I've done at work is. None of that seems too out of bounds. I have a friend who was asked, recently, "Do you believe in UFOs?" So, I've been gearing up for weirder questions just in case.

The question that has stuck with me afterwords the longest was, "How would your friends describe you." I have been asked a version of this question a couple of times now. And, of course, I start listing things that I think are true of me but also things that have a positive spin on them.

In my most recent interview, the conversation was so open and un-contrived, I felt free to give a deeper picture. I said, "I think my friends would tell you that I'm loyal, talkative, gregarious, and friendly. I tend to be outgoing, and to get along with different people well. I think my friends would also tell you I'm fairly determined and structured, and that there are good and less good things about this. I'm definitely the planner of the group - I'm likely to be the person who finds something for us to do, sends out the email, sends out the address, makes the requests for who is bringing what to the potluck and keeps track of all of that. I think my really good friends would tell you I'm not a surface person and that I listen carefully and am pretty thoughtful and considerate and often generous. My friends often tell me I'm funny and quirky but I don't always experience that from the inside as much as they see it on the outside. I also think my closest friends would tell you there is very little I do lightly. That I take myself very seriously and am very careful and analytical when I'm thinking something over or making a decision."

I think most of those things are fairly true. If you asked my closest girl friend and best friend from grad school, she would tell you that my need for structure and inflexibility was legendary, but that I would never have not been there for a friend who needed me, including her. If you asked one of my most interesting friends, and my best friend from college, he would tell you that I sometimes was a pain in the ass, but that he knew it came from good intentions, and that even when we struggled with each other, I was unwilling to give up on our friendship because of my determination and loyalty. He would also say that my tendency to be driven and focus on things too tightly was sometimes detrimental to my relationships and to my inclination to not just beat myself up, but to flog myself. If you asked my closest friend from . . . ever he would tell you, well, everything! That is the deal when you know someone for 32 years. He's known me as long as one of my siblings has, and longer than two of my siblings, and our deal is to tease each other with all the stories we have of each other's past.

What would he say? I think he'd say that I am determined, and deeply committed to doing the right thing, not just by a process or job, but by the people in it. And that when I love, I love fully. I suspect he'd also say that I'm generous and loving, but also sometimes mislead by those tendencies. And his husband? Well, I think he'd tell you that I often overthink things, but that I work to put those thoughts together in the right package blending humor, analysis, and human needs. I also think he'd tell you that I'm very, very honest and sometimes more independent than is good for anyone but that I wear my heart on my sleeve and whatever I have is something I'm willing to give. My guess is that if anyone were to use the world moral to describe me, it'd be him. Although I have NOT known him for 32 years, we have a lot in common, and most of the things he would say about me are things I would say about him. There is a reason he has become another best friend (not just husband-of) in my life.

I asked a couple of my friends and this is what I got back:

Loyal - actually all of them said this. So, I guess this is true of me. I don't guess, I know. I stick with people, sometimes to a fault. In fact, I wrote a post about this.

Loving - you know, this is true of me but sometimes I wish it were more true. I want to see, recognize, accept, and offer more love. It is a value of mine so when I sink into being judgmental, or insulated, I really feel I have failed in this

Generous - this is also a value of mine. It matters to me to be giving of my time, attention, and concern. It matters to me to treat people with that open spirit, and it matters to me to be giving in more tangible ways. It was nice that some of my friends said this.

Driven - I am. There is no doubt. and there is an appealing side to this, and a less appealing side to this. Sometimes I persist in ways that are really destructive and even annoying, or present my enthusiasm and above-and-beyond-ness as being pretty intense or pushy.

Tenacious - I've written about this. I'm not a "nice" girl. Which is to say, I am a caring person (see generous and loving above) but I'm not one who will sit back and let things roll by me without comment. I speak up, and I have a strong personality. It's not for everyone, and I know that. But it is also what allows me to be strong and do challenging things. Tenacious is also, I think, about the fact that I'm tough. There's a hard outer coating. It's not a facade, and it's also not obvious to everyone that I'm armored, but I am because sometimes I need to push through things, and often, I've had to do it too much on my own.

Dogged- yup. I was glad one of my friends put a pure negative out there. I am. I get stuck in my patterns and ruts and expectations, and if I'm too focused, I will stay on that even if it isn't good for me or the people around me.

Dedicated - this is the flip side of being sometimes dogged. I'm determined. In my work, this means it matters to me to GET IT RIGHT. In school this meant I was more than willing to put extra work in on things that weren't my forte. And in my personal life, this means I don't let go and work very hard to do what needs to be done to be there for my peeps. It also means I accept a high level of responsibility and demand of myself a high level of accountability. This sometimes looks and feels very intense from the outside, I've learned in the last 6 years or so.

Planner - what a shocker to hear this! This is a very nice way to say I'm a freak about structure and organization. People benefit from it, to be sure, when I organize my choir or help a friend make lists and plans or pack and move, but it doesn't make anyone's heart sing as much as it does mine! And it also has high potential to rub people the wrong way. The liability to this is I sometimes get too attached to my plans. I've had a lot of growth in that in the last 5 years, but it is still true that it can take me a beat to release a plan and be appropriately flexible.

Knowledgeable - my good friend here in Colorado said she thinks this is why I can get along with so many different people, from different perspectives and walks of life. I think there's some truth to this. I was talking to someone else in my personal sphere last night and said, "I'm a voracious learner. Not always a fast learner, but an avid one." I truly want to understand what I'm hearing or seeing and I have a bit of weird brain in that I carry a LOT of that with me and it gets blurted out in conversation. I know all kinds of nerdy, nerdy things and often cringe as I hear myself saying, "Well, I read a book that said . . . " Ugh. I'm still that girl from high school some days.

What I started thinking about though is, What would my siblings say about me? (Mua hah hah hah) They know me too, and let me tell you, unlike my friends they would NOT hold back in mentioning the difficult things about me.

I think my brothers would have a lot to say about me being too structured. At least one of them would flat out say that means I am bossy and demanding. There is real truth to this. It was more true when I was younger and the oldest child. Now that we're all adults I try to make decisions and plans collaboratively. But sometimes, in dire moments, I will just tell people what to do. I had an interesting conversation with my aunt who is the oldest of six kids (oy!). She was helping me and her daughters make some plans and laid it all out in a well planned email, with time lines, addresses, etc (sound familiar?). She was laughing at herself and referring to herself as "Das Commander." (Umm, lol, by the way) and I said, "But who else was going to make that happen?" The thing is, sometimes someone needs to be bossy to get things done. And when that's what's needed . . . I fill that role. The trick is to recognize when that is NOT needed! I have put a fair amount of work into that in the last decade.

My youngest bro would tell you that I sometimes have ridiculous reactions to things. This is due in part to the fact that sometimes what I think or feel is not something he can fathom as a man living a very different life than me. But sometimes it is because I've over-reacted! He would also tell you that when I over-react to things it's because I really care; it's not an act. He would maybe not use the words my friends used, but probably express that my love is generous and unyielding. I think he also knows me as being loyal and caring. About a year ago I spent a couple of nights listening to him deeply, and as we walked away from our beers he said, "You know. I don't tel you enough. But you are a really awesome big sister. It's good to have you on my side." I love him fiercely, so I was glad that he felt it.

Of all of my family, I think he is the one most likely to work to give you a clear and balanced picture of me. We have talked really openly about how we both tend to be hard on people, and to thrive with a level of structure that isn't comfortable for most. We've talked about the liabilities and benefits to being driven, intense people. He is also very likely to find some combination of words to express that he thinks I am tough or brave in some way, and that I work hard to not be anybody's victim, but that I also sometimes play things safer or aim lower than I should. He's not wrong. He is also the person in my life that is most likely to say, "Well, you knew that wasn't good." He knows me on that level because we are both really uncomfortably honest people at times.

My middle brother is very mysterious to me . . . so I suspect that means I am puzzling to him too. We are very different people, and very different personalities. I think we often don't make a lot of sense to each other. He would have a lot to say about me assuming the in-charge role too much, but also about my being analytical, well-read, and interested in information and philosophy. Unfortunately, I think he experiences my different perspective, my working brain, and my love for structure as me judging him. Sometimes I think that's about how things look from where he sits, and sometimes I think that is about what I put out. The truth has to lie somewhere in between, and I have to accept my share of that responsibility.

I think my sister would tell you I am quirky and funny and loving, but also that I overthink things, and that my standards are too high for anyone. Me, her, anyone. I think, based on her comments, she experiences me as being very cerebral and principled and that she is often not sure how that fits with my caring, considerate side. I do think she feels like I am good to others, but not to myself, and that I am not as open with feelings as I could be. I think she feels and experiences that tough outer shell more than other people do. A lot of people don't see it - they view me as being open and friendly and talkative and gregarious. And I AM. But I'm also, as  I've mentioned, reluctant to let everyone all the way in. I pick and choose my people and moments and situations for that. And where others might mention this as me being tough and resilient, I think she feels it as me being somehow really, really hard to be close with. Maybe not as hard as some of our family, but harder than she wishes. And I am hard. I make people work for it - I don't do it manipulatively, but it is a definite pattern in my life. I think she sometimes finds my nerdy, verbal, tough outer shell a little intimidating or intense. I think she also appreciates that I am someone who likes to get shit done, and since we both grew up as the oldest (she in her house, and me in mine) I think we see what each other is like in this regard - and that sometimes someone has to take the lead.

It's interesting to think about how people know me, and if I have any grasp at all on how I look from the outside. I like to flatter myself and think that I do but it makes me wonder if employers called up three of my friends randomly, and one of my siblings, what would they hear? And what would that make them think of me? I also, of course, wonder what my references will say about me. I asked my therapist once what he thinks about me as a functioning person in the world, and he named self-awareness and analysis as some of the things that have seen me through, so hopefully I'm not way off base . . . geez it would be bad to hold myself out in some way, get a job, and then find their interpretation of me as a fit was wrong on all sides. I am blessed to have had enough time and healing from my last job that I've arrived at a policy of integrity in this job search, and of presenting myself well, but with careful honesty. Fingers crossed that it will see me into the right job - you know, one I can delight in being LOYAL to.

Reconciling with my office

I had a really dumb moment yesterday.

For a decently intelligent person, this happens more often than I wish. One of the ones my mom likes to giggle about was two years ago when my mom was teaching me how to play backgammon. I was kicking around her house just after Christmas and my brother, mom, and I had all been snowed in and were a little stir crazy. For my bro this manifested as retreating to a TV and monosyllabic communication. For me this brought out my silly version of cabin fever, and for my mom she was bustling around the kitchen. All of a sudden I had a memory of a similar night years ago, and my parents sitting at the kitchen table of the house I grew up in playfully baiting each other in a game of backgammon.

I realized I had never learned. This seemed ridiculous since my parents used to play all the time. So, on a whim I went into the kitchen and said, "Mom, do you have a backgammon board? Would you be willing to teach me?" This, in case you were wondering, was my "smart" moment. As she almost skipped to the basement to get the backgammon set up, I put together a snack. Within about 10 minutes of her teaching me, my brother had come into the kitchen and said, "Can I play you once you learn?" It was great. We went from all being antsy and separate to doing something together in about 10 minutes.

My mom explained to me that at the beginning of a game each player rolls one die and whoever gets the higher roll uses the combined roll as their first turn. Now, this is a "fancy" backgammon set with the leather cups for rolling the dice. So, she handed me the cup and the two die. I looked at her bewildered and said, "How do you roll only one?"

Pause. And she looked at me like, Are you kidding me?! And then pointedly picked up one of her die, put it to the side, and put the second die in the cup and then gave me the "Ta-da!" face.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh. (Duh)

Now, whenever we play backgammon she says, "How do you roll only one?" in a mocking tone and sometimes if she thinks I'm being particularly flaky in some other situation I hear this phrase mumbled under her breath in the, I'm purposely making it so you can hear it volume.

That's ok, I deserve it.

I have these moments. We all do. Secretly, it's actually great for me when my family ribs me about these things since I am often a little more sharp-tongued than I should be and quick to tease them. It balances things out.

Yesterday, I had a dumb moment that revealed something interesting to me though.

Here is the scenario. A very interested company wanted to do an initial interview with me via Skype. I am tres interested in the company, and let me just say it is a name that would not be too shabby to be associated with, but was pleased to have an opportunity to learn more about the job itself.

I am new to Skype in the last couple of weeks but it seems like a pretty sweet deal. However, for this Skype meeting, I wanted to be very prepared. I thought about what questions might be asked, I prepared my questions, and had paper and pen on hand in order to take notes. I even got up early and put on makeup and an interview outfit so that I would appear professional.

About 30 minutes before the interview, I set my computer down on the kitchen table and turned on the camera on my laptop so I could check and make sure I looked ok. I looked fine, but saw a few distracting things in the background behind me. One of them is a very hilarious book, but, well, let's just say, not one I leave out if children are visiting me. (Smile). So, I scrambled around trying to move things. As I did, it occurred to me that the blank yellow wall behind me was a little overwhelming visually. Then I started to fret thinking, "Well, I could sit on the couch, but then he's seeing the back of my couch. The bedroom, but then that's unprofessional." After a few minutes more of pondering what to move and where to be . . . it hit me.

There is ANOTHER room in my house. In fact it is a room that is white walled, and basically empty. It even has decent lighting and a desk. Imagine that. That's right, my office still stands empty.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh. (Duh)

This is to say, I have not yet re-established that room. I do ALL of my job hunting and applying in the arm chair in my living room or from my kitchen table. If I'm writing this blog, or messing around on Facebook I can probably be found sprawled on my bed (as I am now) or on my couch (and on one emotional occasion, standing up at my kitchen counter).

I go into the office once a week to copy something for my (awesome) trainer and/or print something for a job interview. Other than that I treat it much as I did before. It's a separate land, not intersecting with my home. Think of it as Middle Earth or something.

When it was literally my office it was as if it was a nearly completely indepenedent sphere from anything else my house touched. Once a year I would go in there on personal time to do my taxes. The rest of the time, I was only in there if actually working. And it felt like I was sequestering myself and entering a different place. I realized in my last year of work how profound this conception of my office was in a couple of different ways. If I "cleaned the house" I would sweep and mop the kitchen, living room and dining room. As I headed down the hall I would get the laundry room and bathroom on the right, but sail right past the office on the left and head directly into the master bedroom. I also discovered that I would give tours of my house to people visiting and skip over that room. People would be like, "Ummm, what's in there??" (is it a murder room?!) And I would respond, ""Oh, that's my office." and keep walking.

So, in my mind, it is STILL my office, and why would I go in there unless I'm working.

Which of course I am NOT. Sooooooooooo, yeah.

Basically this means I haven't been in there or considered that room as having a place in my life since a month ago when it was cleaned out.

Partially, this is because unemployment has been unexpectedly busy for me. There are certainly days I don't get up until after 8. And there are days I watch TV at 2pm, to be sure. But, I have been blessed with a lot to do. I've caught up with friends, and while that doesn't, perhaps, have significance in terms of landing a job, it has been instrumental in my healing from all of this sudden change. I had a real awakening right after I lost my job when so, so many friends contacted me to offer me support and then worked into the conversation, "So, if you're not working when you return from the holidays, do you have time to hang out?" It was an epiphany for me how much the last job had restricted me from being the friend I wanted to be, hell, from having a life.

I also got my car fixed from an accident that happened, literally, a week before my position was eliminated, an with the very supervisor, in my very car,  who let me go. Luckily, the accident was the fault of the person who hit me and was thus completely covered. The cost to me was only time.

And, yes, I have, been applying a lot, and I have been very encouraged to have response to a job I've applied for EVERY week since my unemployment commenced, and an interview on each week except the first. So, I've been busy.

Still, it seems a little silly that in the last four weeks I haven't put any time into re-acquainting myself with that room, going through the things in it, re-organizing, or even putting realistic thought into what I'd like that room to be. (Having said that, of course in the last day I've thought about it. The words of my cool, hilarious chicca friend on the very night I lost my job ring in my ears, "That is the room your foster baby will sleep in." But, that's a little bit cart before the horse at this point. Exercise room? If I get a well paying job I'd be happy to put an elliptical in there. Guest room? Upgrade my bed, and get a futon couch set up going in there? Hmmmmm)

This is a little like when my fiance and I broke up. During the conversation about done-ness he was indicating that maybe he'd come back for his things. I wanted to be smart and realized he had never paid a single cent of rent on this place, and was secondary on the lease so I wanted to reduce ambiguity and suggested he get his things right then, many of which were still in boxes. It seemed to make sense. I started hauling his stuff out, and eventually he (grudgingly) joined me. Of course, in our haste, things got left behind. Months later I found myself in various conversations about my need for him to get his things or give me permission to get rid of them.

A lot of things happened, and he didn't seem to understand that he could divorce himself from his stuff if he needed to, but that given some of his actions and threats, I wouldn't remove those things unless I had written permission. He was stubborn and stupid (and of course, I wasn't stubborn at ALL!), so this went on for a ridiculous amount of time. The result was that 6 months after our break up he was still cycling through "I'll be nice, get her to do what I need, and then disassociate myself as soon as she mentions anything she needs . . . even if it's as simple as sending her permission to dump my stuff."

I finally got the permission I needed, and felt I was really, truly DONE (I mean, other things happened. In fact it got really complicated and, regrettably, bitter.) about 9 months after the break up.

But somehow it took awhile for me to actually throw his shit OUT. And when I did, it felt incredibly good, momentous, even. And nothing could have been simpler than taking 45 minutes to gather it all up, check through the house, and carry the boxes out. I wondered why I had waited so long. But I did.

In that case, it was definitely hard for me to completely let go and move on. It took a lot of work and tears, and hard conversations with people who loved me. I wanted things to go differently than they did, even once I had accepted that we weren't right for each other. I wanted more closure than walking his stuff to a dumpster. And I had to take my time to reconcile myself with the fact that what I got was a watermelon story (ask if you want to know!), some really inexplicable emails, a court date to keep him out of my life, and a quiet Sunday where I enjoyed the sun and the feeling of releasing the last vestiges of our relationship into the dumpster. I couldn't change the hand dealt to me, just how I played it. It just took me a beat (or you know, however many beats fit into that number of months) to re-strategize and resolve to play it out.

I process slowly sometimes. This is, I think, not related to my occasional brain dead moment. It's more related to things I've mentioned before. Somehow my emotional path, and the roles I played in my family have lead me to a . . . hmm, strategy sounds too contrived and planned and it's not . . . I'd say, it's lead me to a HABIT of processing things all on my lonesome, off in a corner, and often disconnected from whatever event first gave rise to those feelings. There are benefits to this - it means it is RARE for me to have a sudden passionate bad reaction. It happens more than it used to, and more with people who I know really deeply and trust more. In a weird way, if I'm reacting to something in the moment badly, it's a compliment to that person because I can't do it unless I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I'm fully loved. as a result, it's only happened with my mom, sister, and best best bestbestbest friend in recent years.

On the flip side, those same people (and others!) would tell you that I sometimes baffle them by reacting to something that happened days (or weeks, or months) ago. They feel lost and . . . betrayed? I don't want to speak for them, but know this is the liability of my peculiarity of appearing to be emotive and open, but actually packing up emotions, putting them in boxes, and taking my time getting around to unpacking them and actually DEALING WITH the stuff inside.

People like me often have ulcers and migraines. And all of this emotional delay mirrors what I do with ACTUAL STUFF. I took almost a year to throw his crappy shit out! Almost 3 months after he gave me the permission to do so! I put it in boxes and then put it away, where I couldn't see it, but where it still took up space in my house.If that's not the outward picture of what I do inwardly, I don't know what is.

I know I have to take my time with that room. Not because I miss my job like I miss relationships once they end. Mostly, I feel relief when I think about NOT working for that company. I don't miss the tasks, the lifestyle, or the stress. The gratitude to be released from that is so immense that it eclipses the real missing of 5 of the people I worked with. I miss the certainty of a paycheck, that's it.

But I had a dysfunctional relationship with that job, and as a result, I had a dysfunctional relationship with that room. It will take some time for the room and I to receive each other differently.

If I was a person with more means, it would be great to go out, get some furniture and paint and posters and just go to town on that room. But I'm not, so it will take some time for me to re-friend that room. I, however, aspire for it to take less than a year. And so it starts with just going in there more to remember that that is space that belongs to me, not to my former company. It's MINES!!! (hahahah)

Writers Block

I am experiencing some liabilities of being a job searcher.

One of these is what I mentioned in the last post - tooooo muuuucccchhh screen time.

Another is that if I'm home, my inclination is to wear one of two pairs of pajama pants all the time, my renovated Family Kickboxing Academy sweatshirt (by renovated, of course I mean, stretched out, hood and cuffs cut off), no bra, and two pairs of socks. Because of this, I made a rule that if I'm home it's allowed to skip washing my hair (before you judge me as being icky know that Colorado is really dry and it's healthy to not shampoo my hair every day). However, I have to still shower, and change clothes. A bra is strongly suggested, though not required.

I also have to plan my meals very carefully. This was true before, and has to be true now. Before, I had to plan my eating so I could pack it up and take it with me so that I wouldn't go off the rails while on the road for 6-12 hours at a stretch. Now, I'm home for 6-12 hours at a stretch (how novel!!), and it would be so, so, so easy to just graze all day. This is also my first opportunity in YEARS to eat dinner before 9pm and to eat lunch sitting down. I want to use this as a chance to eat healthy and cook and eat meals at regular times. (Cooking also soothes me . . . and gives me a chance to dance in my kitchen. And not to toot my own horn, but both my trainer and dietician say they wish I could cook for them every week - healthy and yummy) Coincidentally, this also helps me stick to a budget.

Another effect of being home is I have to dodge the Jehova's Witnesses. They caught me here one day early in my journey of the unemployed. I looked through the thing on my door and only saw ONE person (If I had seen two I would have known what was on my doorstep). I had been getting lots of Fed Ex and UPS deliveries from my former employer so I foolishly opened the door. Baaaaaad move. Instantly I knew I had stepped in it. My house was dark, I was wearing, yes indeed, the sweatshirt, my PJ pants, and it was 10:30 in the morning and I hadn't showered. They asked apologetically if they had woken me and I was very brazen when I said, "No," as in, Yeah, that's right, this is what I look like mid-morning on a workday. Take it or leave it. (In case you're wondering, this was the beginning of my rules about showering and changing clothes.) We had a pleasant conversation for about 6 minutes, until they asked me if I thought God's government would take place here on earth during our lifetime. And I said something about how separation of church state allowed her and her friend to openly discuss their beliefs and that seemed pretty good to me so I would choose this government over any other right now. Then they left pretty quickly. But not before marking something down on their clip board and leaving me a booklet about God's Plan for justice and mercy. All of that would be fine except they now come back every week. No joke. I've come home twice to leaflets, and been here twice more when they've knocked . . . and I've wussed out and not answered. (I know, it's bad)

But the final liability is that between all of the screen time, and having to write cover letter after cover letter after cover letter, I'm losing a little of the zest for this blog. I actually have, no joke, 4 posts half written and am struggling to finish. I want to write. I have actually seen a big increase in my creativity in terms of conceiving of topics, but a real decrease in implementing them. I'll be in the shower or on the treadmill thinking of posts and how I could put them together. Where it used to just take the thought of a topic, and one or two lines or quotes and I'd be off and running to write something (I actually often would sit down and write a post in 45 minutes or less) now I have tons of ideas blocked out, with quotes, and I sit down for an hour and get less than half of a post done. I have writer's block! I'm spending all of this time selling myself, marketing ME, writing about ME in another forum and  frankly, I feel kind of narcissistic and overwhelmed when I try to write about me here. At least this week.

This blog has been so instrumental in my progress to be a better me up to this point, so I don't want to walk away from it. I'm battling through this by continuing to collect my ideas and trying to battle through the block.

Before this post begins to sound too complainy, let me also acknowledge that there have been some amazing positives to being unemployed.

First, I no longer am working a job that sucks the joy out of my life or implicitly expects me to not have a life.

I also am really moving towards a couple of jobs that would make me happy. My girl and I were talking last night about how I'm completely open right now. It's a chance for a total renovation. I'm not chained to a job that holds me back or asks too much, and I'm free and open in my personal life too. No vestiges of relationship remain between me and my ex, and so, I can care about him and still be done. I'm walking into a new life with no unhealthy attachments. I get to do it all at once and imagine all new things for myself. It's scary, but exciting and promising too.

Unemployment is good for other things too. My laundry is done. And folded! And put away! (I never keep up with laundry, or sorting the mail. It seems like as soon as I tackle these projects and chores it starts all over again. I mused once on Facebook that I had done laundry on Sunday. Let it sit in the dryer on Monday. Moved it to a chair on Tuesday to remind myself to fold it. Then on Wednesday moved it to my bed . . . and slept on the couch as a result. I wondered, "Will I reach shame level 10 and put the laundry on my front stoop?!" I did not by the way, but it didn't get folded until Thursday or put away until Friday, and of course I had to turn around and do laundry again on Sunday). I'm still bad about staying on top of some house work - unemployment won't make me suddenly enjoy scrubbing the shower or make taking the recycling out a priority, but, I'm more on top of these things than before.

I am doing 3 hours of resistance every week, and 4-6 hours of cardio on top of that. Last week, I did 5 hours of cardio, including a 2 hour swim. It was glorious and I am not being sarcastic about that in any way. I am eating regular meals, and very, very healthy. I've seen more of my friends in the last month than I had in the 6 months before. I got to drive up and surprise my friend who was studying while her husband and son were camping with a smoothie and study date. It was awesome to make her face light up! She said, "Oh! What brought this on," and I explained that I knew she was alone and could use some support, and that I also know that my job wasn't allowing me to be there for my friends the way I wanted to and I now have the opportunity to be there more. I hope all of this is a precursor to a healthier life where I have more time for my life outside of work, even when I do (hopefully soon!) go  back to work. This means I actually have time to date and to be out there, even though it's kind of a weird juncture in my life.

So, I'm hoping that as I start to put together the pieces of my life and to assemble them in a way that works better for me, the energy will come back to this blog. Until then, please bare with me if the posts aren't as energetic or frequent - I'm working on it!