Here's the thing - a long time ago I asked for feedback on what people would like to hear more about. One friend encouraged me to write about singing, and about my children's book ideas. Another about judgement, patience, and forgiveness. I haven't written either of those posts, but they haven't left my thoughts either. Given my recent religious questioning it's probably not surprising that I'm thinking about judgement, patience, and forgiveness, but the truth is I was thinking about it before, and before my friend brought the idea up.
It has been on my mind since July when I first felt the full weight of my boyfriend's issues and found a broader perspective on them. I saw the lies, the loss of control, the broken promises, the misleading statements and manipulation. And he began to see them. I wanted so badly to forgive him for that, and to put it in the past. Instead, it became part of a larger pattern, and that made it so hard to let it go. Recently I was able to articulate to him that I can forgive him, but it would help enormously if he sincerely apologizes for the things he thinks he did wrong and asks for my forgiveness. But real forgiveness is just given, no asking and begging required - see I'm bad at this. I should give it over and above is breaking up with me, and I should give it freely, not in spite of, that.
Patience and forgiveness are my values, but I often fail at my values and need to be reminded of them and brought back to my center. I have been described as being "black and white." I don't think I am, I actually think I analyze a lot, collect a lot of data on my world and consider a lot of possibilities - black, white, and a lot of shades of grey in between. The thing that people may pick up on is that once I do decide on something, I tend to stick to my guns. To be honest, some of that comes from my tendency to be stubborn. But also, if I've spent a lot of time thinking about something, and collecting information on why that thing is the way it is, and forming my opinion or tracking down the best course of action, when I act, I'm usually pretty committed and convinced of how it should be. Maybe that's hubris, maybe that's being pig-headed, maybe that's being judgmental, maybe it's being black-and-white, but to me it's about dedication and seeing things through and making sure that when I do make a decision its backed up by the best information gathering I can manage.
I also have a very weird blessing/curse - I remember things more accurately and completely than most people do. I also have a nearly perfect audiographic memory which means I tend to remember exactly what people said. It's nice when I want to recall a sequence of events, or think back to what someone said to me. But, on the other hand . . . I can't forget. If someone says something that hurt me, I remember their exact words. I remember how it sounded. If someone did something that hurt me on July 4th, I'll remember it every time I think of July 4th. It makes it hard not to dwell on the things that have hurt me, let me down, or made me angry when I can remember them ALL all the time.
I am able to forgive, but not to forget. It's a complicated issue for me. I am capable of letting something go, but it's rare that not remember it. It's also a complicated issue for the people in my life. Something that is cognitively true is that we ALL more easily recall and recount negative things. It is for this reason that if someone asks you how your most recent performance review at work went, the first thing you think of is the one negative thing your supervisor said, and it takes work to remember the 6 positive things that were mentioned. I'm not making this up out of folk wisdom - I was required to take a class on memory and attention as part of my Ph.D program in Cognitive Psych.
So, when my ex-fiance (yep, the same one who left like three minutes after I moved here, and was all alone dealing with my dad who had just died. We don't use his name anymore) told me that he felt like I only remembered things he did wrong, not things he did right. I tempered that with the fact that while my cognition might mean I remember everything more thoroughly than I really should, his cognition (and everyone's) meant that he was not remembering the times I appreciated him, was grateful for things he did or said, or was positive.
The truth is this is no gift unless I want to recall how-to instructions someone gave me orally or music. It is much more of a curse when it comes to my relationships (romantic or otherwise) because what they experience is me remembering exactly what they did and their words and tone, even when they'd rather gloss over what they said and smooth it into meaning something a little less harsh. I often can't let that slide because the computer in my head spits out, "Ummm, no. that's NOT what you said, so don't tell me I'm wrong in thinking this is what you meant." To be perfectly honest, the most harm this does is to me. I know it troubles other people about me, but the part people don't think about when they are praising or lamenting my freakish memory is that it doesn't just turn on them . . . it turns on me too. I remember all the stupid, embarrassing, mean, cruel, inconsiderate, angry, crazy, wrong, horrible things I have done or said too. And I can't make the computer not spit those things out either.
I can't stop that computer from running. But maybe I can work on being more forgiving, and to act in ways that are more forgiving. First stop, be less judgmental. This doesn't mean not having judgments. I can judge that someone who texts and drives is putting themselves and others in harms way. I can decide that when people park ridiculously badly, they were oblivious and should pay more attention. But I can also work to adopt less of a mentality of judging others and thinking harsh thoughts about them as a whole person.
As I sat at a church service last night, the questions was raised of Can we trust God. And I don't have answers to that, nor the fortitude to go looking for those answers right now. But the conversation and thought process went something like this, "Other people break promises and let me down. Other people point their fingers in my chest and remind me of how many things I screw up. So, how can I count on God not to give up on me, let me down, leave me hanging, and accuse me of being a bad person." And as the service moved forward the pastor admitted something that I had been thinking since he brought up the judgments of others . . . when we think about other people giving us a hard time, judging us, reminding us of how much we fail usually the biggest offender is ourselves. I know that's true for me. I know that I spend most of every day either trying not to think or catching myself thinking really harsh, difficult things about myself. I quit grad school, I made a dill potato salad with dill that had bugs in it because I didn't have money or time to go buy more. I had a really hard year growing up where I lied about everything to my parents, and stole loose change and dollar bills. I promised myself I would reform my eating and then ate an entire frozen pizza. I threw a watermelon on the night my ex-fiance left (ok, to be perfectly honest, there is part of met hat is horribly ashamed I did that, but part of me is proud of that too), I yelled horrible things at my most current boyfriend at one point because I couldn't believe he had spent so much time avoiding me and breaking promises . . . and no, his actions do not justify mine. I once spent an entire work day surfing the web and shopping online, which to me is like stealing from my employer. Once, in grad school (2001), I was so poor that I stole over the counter allergy meds that I badly needed . . . and no, that doesn't make it ok. You'll notice, some of those things are past actions that I worked to reform, but some of those are issues I continue to face now.
I seem really unlikable when I list those things. And this is the short version. I seem really ugly, and small, and like I deserve the finger of accusation in my chest 24/7 when I read just those things here.
So, I need to practice forgiveness with myself. Luckily, it's better for me to practice on me, and possibly fail at it sometimes, than to practice with someone else. But I need to forgive other people too. I need to forgive people who were supposed to love me and protect me and didn't. It would be better for everyone if I could forgive my ex-fiance, because then I wouldn't carry around residual anger about what he did or didn't do. (Left me alone to grieve my father and the ending of our relationship in a place where I knew nobody because I moved here for him. Left me sitting like an idiot in a couples counseling waiting room! Aggghhhh. Just listing it is a demonstration that I'm not there yet. Epic fail.) I need to decide to either forgive myself for the watermelon, or embrace that that was a true moment of standing up for myself and be proud of it. I need to right my wrongs. i need to make ammends where I am able. I need to forgive myself when I slip on the changes I'm trying to make, when I fall off the wagon as it were, because beating myself up about it keeps me from moving forward and trying to be better the next day. I need to stop yelling at myself and move past the conversations where I have yelled at other people. (I don't like yelling. )
But I need to be patient too, and realize that it's not all going to happen right away . . . and patience, I have in abundance except when it comes to myself. Irony. So much irony.
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