One of the things that I've had to reconcile with since leaving is that she has new friends and neighbors she shares things with. I knew this was the choice I was making when I left, to not be her first person always. And Colorado has been good for me, but this part of having vacated my life in NJ has been hard. Strangely, it helps that as I visit her I get to know her neighbors and new people - this way I know my dearest girlfriend is in good hands, if not mine. So, we talk a lot about her social life and colleagues and I like to hear these stories. While there, she was telling me about her neighbor's daughter and her girlfriend visiting her and talking about life, the universe, and everything. She described it as, "she needed a lesbian mummy, so she talked to me."
Although I am not a lesbian, this makes sense to me. Just like when we go somewhere new for the first time it feels more re-assuring to meet a friend there and do it together, sometimes we find we need a buddy, a mentor, or a tour guide when we are metaphorically entering a new space we haven't visited in our life. I have had amazing mentors in my life, and still do. This friend I was visiting was something of my "big sister" in grad school - always just up ahead so I could see what the path might look like based on how she walked and progressed. I have spiritual advisers, nutrition and exercise gurus as friends, academic, life-handling, and technology advisers, people I turn to with science questions, and people I look up to for their emotional steadiness and boundaries. I often go it alone because I am fierce in my independence but I always have my back-up on proverbial speed-dial.
So, I was honored to be somebody else's mentor as they wandered into new and unfamiliar territory. Another one of my dearest friends (this one from college) contacted me saying he had a friend trying to be, "all gluten free up in that," and did I have any recommendations for her. Oh boy.
I remember how unwillingly I came to the conclusion that wheat and gluten might contribute to issues in my life. At that point I had already reconciled with letting go of as many carbs as I could, and the need to exercise about 10 hours a week to get results (note: not always possible in real adult life. But at least I know) not to mention some serious food allergies (certain cheeses, wine, rye). The thought of giving something ELSE up was untenable and pissed me right the heck off. In my irritation, I may or may not have told a couple of people that my friends who were going gluten-free were "buying into hippie bullshit and taking it too far."
Ahem.
Let me first eat some crow (because it is sans gluten!) and second apologize for whiffing at the question of gluten sensitivity - it was over 6 years ago, but I'm hoping the statute for apologies isn't up yet. Gluten sensitivity is a real thing, as are serious gluten and wheat allergies. It is my personal feeling that most of us get far more gluten than we need or is good for us or that we are aware of since gluten is the sneaky ingredient in many packaged, factory-flavored, or processed foods. (Sadly, this is true of soy as well, and soy is not that good for us.) I'm not a medical doctor or nutritionist, so my opinion isn't worth that much in the larger scheme of things, but my thinking is thus: it would be much easier for all of us to eat things in moderation if we knew what we were eating. Soy in moderation is no problem. Nor is dairy/lactose for many people. But when our systems are assaulted with sneaky-soy, disguised dairy, and lord-knows-what-else it is hard to know what we are getting too much of or not enough of. Since many allergies and sensitivities are cumulative it seems very plausible to me that many of us could happily eat bread and pasta a few times a week if we weren't also getting 27 servings of gluten we didn't know about just by virtue of eating things we don't even think of as wheat-based, or even consider as carbs (The one that always stumps me is liquids - tea, salad dressing, marinades. wheat-based flavoring. Really.).
So when my friend told me about his friend needing to make quick changes to her eating and being upset by it and a particular eater besides I was instantly transported backwards. I couldn't not re-feel the panic, "Oh no! Giving things up is just a recipe for becoming that difficult, picky, hippie, judgmental eater. I don't wanna!" My first experience with this was in 2002 when friends were over and someone had made couscous with cranberries, walnuts, and dried apricots. I mean, really, it was too amazing not to eat. But for about four days afterwords, I was in searing pain. I assumed I had the flu or some such. you know, between wanting to flay myself to get at the root cause. Then, a few weeks later friends were over again and while we had availed ourselves of chips and beer, we had also put out healthy snacks. Cheese, crackers, apples. And dried apricots. I wanted to stop eating chips (I'd had my allotted two handfuls) so I switched to apricots. I ate a lot of them. Oh boy. Again, searing, lie down on the living room floor at 2am pain for about 4 hours. Followed by intermittent and awful gut feelings for 5 days. We now refer to this as the apricot incident. Since then, accidental apricots (dried fruit, really) have produced similar torture . . .
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| Oh dried fruit, you look so benign but you are the devil |
(This was taken in response to the terrible and lastingly, lingeringly, lay-down-and-die reaction I had after eating supposed all natural apricots in 2009. I wanted to throw myself on the train tracks.)
Weeks later, I was in the kitchen describing this dried fruit mystery to my Jewish Ima (Ima means mother in Hebrew) as we prepared for Shabat and she said, almost absent-mindedly, "was it the preservatives they use?" Yes. It was. But it took me testing out dried fruit and other things with sulfites and preservatives in them (a granola bar, as I recall and some kind of pre-packaged dessert stuff) over the next six months before I knew for sure. Now, I read the ingredients on everything. (Yeah, I'm that chic.) I know if that snack has preservatives in it. I know if that nut and fruit bar secretly has dairy in it. I know if you've been naughty or nice. But, then . . . then I just suffered and a question mark hovered over my head. (As a side note: my friend, this Ima, is not only an amazing person, friend, and mother, but very wise in the ways of better health through nutrition and specialized diets. I should have known that the person who solved the apricot incident in 2002 would not be an over-reacting hippie freak about gluten in 2006.)
So, I put together some quick thoughts for my friend to pass along to his friend, but ultimately I emailed her directly and told her this story. She relayed that she was perversely glad to hear my pain lasted for days and days because she had been feeling like she was just whiny. I assured her that I understood she was not a horrible person but instead feeling sentenced as a hypochondriac by the mainstream medicine. She responded excitedly with a lot of caps and exclamation points because this had been exactly her experience. She mentioned that her primary care doctor basically sneered at her suggestion that dairy was an issue telling her, "you can't just become lactose intolerant overnight. It doesn't work that way." That's right, Dr. Know it All, it doesn't. She was probably much like me where she had other instances of eating too much dairy and thinking her reaction was about eating too much (of anything), eating smaller amounts of dairy and thinking, "that was fine, so dairy might be ok," and having smaller reactions collect up until it was the straw that broke the camel's back and the whole immune response came crashing down. Thanks very much for making those of us who experience incapacitation from our sensitivities feel like we're not only weaklings and delicate flowers but stupid, by the way. That helps.
I remember being told that I didn't have any gluten issues by a doctor. Ok. Perhaps by your measures, no, but I do know that when I limit gluten I have more energy, better concentration, better digestive response, my skin is healthier, and my allergic reaction to environmental allergies (pollen, dander, dust, etc.) decrease in severity. So, why wouldn't I reduce gluten . . despite your denial of what your patient is telling you about their life and symptoms . . . ??
So, I've found myself in this GF-mentor role to a really cool woman who is seeking similar changes in her life, and experiencing similar roadblocks in the medical community. I don't use this word often but I feel really blessed to be able to give back some of the knowledge and advice I've gotten. I realized as I was pulling together links, thoughts, and food recommendations last week that I have learned a lot about this. Then, when she and I started talking directly, I realized how isolating and confusing this experience is. Last week I also got to see and talk to my friend (and the best Ima I know) that while there's lots of talk about gluten-free, food sensitivities, etc. there isn't a lot of concrete story-telling about it and it is hard to separate the noise and the celebs sounding off about this from actual helpful information.
When my friend, his friend, and then Ima all asked if I had blogged about this I realized there may be a need for others to hear this story. The story goes like this: if you feel really bad when you do something, it is probably not good for you, no matter what someone else believes. You can label it allergy or sensitivity or whatever you want, but just like every guitar has individual responses and sounds, every person's body is tuned differently. Finding out about that and keeping things well tuned isn't a bad thing. No matter what your doctor says.
But, here's chapter 2 of the story. You will second guess yourself at times and feel sure that you have somehow become a hypochondriac, a delicate flower/whiny person/hippie/anti-social food activist at times. This is because food is social in our society, and for someone who is not sensitive the idea that you can't eat cheese-and-crackers or drink beer isn't on their radar. When they are confronted with this you will feel bad, no matter their reaction, because the expectation is that we all can just sit around and eat and hang out. But the person with food sensitivities has to either plan ahead (which feels neurotic) or bow out (which feels like being anti-social) or say something and bring "special" food (which feels like being a crazy food-activist.). Meanwhile, that's not the only choice I had to stare down. I also was confronted with, "but everyone else is eating pizza. Why can't I have just one slice?" Well . . . because I have food issues and one slice is constitutionally impossible. And because, when trying to get your body to STOP reacting to everything you put into it, you have to go scorched earth and moderation is NOT the answer, at that moment.
Chapter 3 of my story goes something like this: I finally did a gluten free cleanse. It took 2 years of gathering information. Of seeing others go through it. Of having a conversation with a nurse practitioner advising my then-fiance about the psoariatic immune response that was causing systemic damage in his bod - arthritic plaques, skin issues, other allergies and terrible digestive discomfort. It took a LOT before I did it. I finally had to ask myself if I wanted to find myself needing to do it rather than CHOOSING to explore it. I also wondered to myself, "If my Jewish family who are Kosher can give up gluten, dairy, preservatives, soy and casein it can't possibly be impossible for ME. " And when I did it, I had to kind of wipe a lot of slates clean. I donated a lot of food in my house so that it wouldn't be in front of me. I shopped at three different places and cooked for two days. But I also had to wipe the slate clean in my bod. I got great advice on this when my trainer said, "Get some Psyllium Husk powder. Drink it in some water or apple juice every day." Omigoodness. No lies: it tastes like drinking sand. But, it scours your insides so that whatever is already in there stops plaguing you. When you're not continuing to react and start feeling better, it's easier to continue on the walk of not eating everything you wish you were eating.
Chapter 4 is of course the part where I talk about not eating everything you want to eat and how that goes. I won't sugar coat it (especially since sugar is something I avoid . . . ): it can be hard. More often than not it is disappointing when you have to special order something, see others relaxing with their sandwiches or pizza, and wish it was just that easy for you. But for me, I got to a point where the price to eat that way all the time was just too high. It was not only contributing to my weight and self-image issues, it was also making me feel physically bad. Once I started feeling better physically, the time and effort to plan my meals, carry "approved" snacks and read ingredients in everything felt so much more worthwhile. And then a magical thing happened . . . I had more energy so I worked out more. I lost more weight which made me feel even better and it became an ALMOST self-sustaining cycle. I say almost because I do still sometimes have to put some work into looking at what I've been eating and how to better tune that to my needs, schedule, and allergies. I also sometimes step out of bounds and have to re-pay the price and get the very painful reminder that this is important.
What was key for me was finding new favorites. I had to mourn my favorite crackers, and cereal and muffins. I went about two years without a bagel or pizza of any kind because I knew nothing else could replace them. I needed new snacks, new granola bars, new pasta, new meals to cook. I needed to be reminded that this wasn't a life of boiled greens and brown rice. I was lucky that the Ima-friend is a gifted baker and cook and makes desserts and meals where you cannot BELIEVE she replaced key ingredients. This opened my eyes to the idea that allergen-free food didn't have to be a grim, unappetizing life. It also was a model to me that not all "special" food had to be a specially bought affair. Some of it could be normal food prepared with a little extra care. I now revel in making meals that are "secretly" gluten free. Black bean soup and nachos. Stir-fry with rice-noodles. Crustless quiches and risotto. Oooops, guess my secret is out.
But I also had a busy work life and couldn't always be cooking for hours. So I did need to find some products. At the time it seemed like it took forever to find things I liked that didn't make me feel like I was eating at the outcast table, but when my friend asked for recommendations for his friend I realized that now I have quite the list. The following products meet my needs (gluten free and preservative free) but it's important that everyone read ingredients on their own!
1. Basics - cookies exist. These oreos are goooooooood. Glutino and Newman's also make varieties of GF cookies but these are my faves.
2. Pancakes - when I want an easy pancake I do this mix. when I want something heartier this buckwheat mix is approved by me and my bro. Yum.
3. Cereal - I honestly have gotten away from eating a bowl of carbs but when traveling and at a continental breakfast I CAN eat "normal" cereal like Rice Crispies and Chex. Woot!
4. Snack Bars - crunchy ones, chewy ones, and downright delicious ones.
5. Pasta - the best case scenario is to find something locally made and available fresh/frozen, But, I will also use this quinoa blended pasta. My recommendation is to find something made with multiple flours. this will give a better texture than a straight "corn flour" or "rice flour" pasta.
6. When rice gets old . . . make quinoa! I know this is a funny, funny meme but honestly, quinoa has tons of protein and a great nutty, rich taste. So good.
7. Crackers - Lots of people (even non-GF folk) like Nut Thins and I do too. But for a real hearty cracker taste where you are less aware of ingesting rice-flour I'm a fan of these Crunchmaster crackers.
8. Pretzels - these are so good I can pass them off to non GF people!
9. Dessert mixes - I've never been a stellar baker so these mixes helped me feel less concerned about gluten free baking.
10. Beer - Alcohol in general is a problem. Even if you're drinking vodka and thinking "it's potatoes!" it almost certainly has grain alcohol in it unless marked otherwise. And spirits that have any flavors in them probably have "natural flavorings" on the ingredients list. "Natural flavorings" is code for "made with gluten." I just ended up drinking less, lost weight, and counted it as a win. But I genuinely love beer so after a couple of years I needed to seek an option. I mostly agree with what these folks have to say about good and not-so-good GF beer options. Once you decide which ones to try, then treat it like a scavenger hunt to go find it!!
11. Granola - omigoodness. this stuff is made basically in my hometown and sold all over now. So, so good.
12. Udi's. Wow. Everything they make is great. Bread, bagels, and my fave, the muffins. Honestly, everything they make is so tasty that the non-glutarded will dig in too.
13. Pizza - let me be stone cold honest. I still have not had GF pizza that made my heart sing.
My recommendation is to get a few things in small quantities. then get a few more things. then a few more. Decide what you really like and then buy it in bulk. Amazon is actually a good source. There are some other sites with options too. Buying in bulk usually means a better deal and having enough of what you need around so that you aren't caught out. And if you have a local store that will do bulk orders for you, that's a good way to go too - that way you can try out things and order from the same place. I do a combination of the above since I live in the GF capital of the world (or so it often seems) but also in a place where specialty grocery stores seem to keep multiplying and the market bears insane prices even for "normal" food.
As I said, I also had to consciously change the way I planned meals, shopped, and thought about eating in general. I really used this as an opportunity to hone in on higher-protein, lower-carb, and more importantly, healthier carbs. In this light, quinoa and brown rice seems like a choice instead of an allergy mandate - more fiber, more vitamins, more filling. Win, win, win. Popcorn made on the stove? How awesome. Healthier because there aren't tons of crappy chemical ingredients in it and delish. V8 and cheese as a snack turns out not only to be a great way to quench the savory cravings, but more filling than eating chips. I can't lead you all down the garden path and tell you this is how it always goes. It isn't. I still fight some days because I just want a cereal bar, damn it! Or, oh, cannoli. Love. But I also recently stepped over the line with muffins, beer, flour tortillas and a couple of other carbs that weren't working for me, and I didn't enjoy the toll I paid.
But Chapter 5 is a beautiful chapter that many (though not all) people arrive at which is that having renovated their nutrition and healed their insides, they can sometimes return to old friends for a brief visit . . . Not unlike my seeing my friend in NJ for three days. My body has stopped being toxic and reactive now. I can eat one dried apricot - just one. I can sometimes have a sandwich or a burger or pizza and not feel like crap afterwords. I need to make sure not to put too many triggers together in one stretch, but I can sometimes carefully claim my reward for having done right by myself now.
This means that I'm not strictly GF anymore. I feel the need to give that disclaimer so that if anyone stumbles on this they are double-reminded to read ingredients for themselves. But, what I hope to accomplish is to open up the conversation more to people talking about eating consciously, what works for them, and how they arrived at that knowledge. This conversation needs to have non-crazy, non-celebrity, non-food-allergies-are-the-root-of-all-evil-and-you-will-never-be-sick-again-EVAR voices. But it also badly needs to happen in order to quiet down the din of "I must be making this up" that people experience (and sadly, hear from their DOCTORS. Ugh.). In coming weeks I have some plans to "interview" peeps I know who are navigating food in different ways in order to offer thoughts, suggestions, but mostly perspective on the idea that we don't all have to eat the same and that eating differently can feel like a terrible disruption to our "normal" but it can also be an opportunity to bring a lot of peace to ourselves in how we feel, but also how we think about food.
