loyalty

I should call this post "to the bitter end," because that is too often the consequence of my brand of loyatly.

I have mentioned before that I am loyal to a fault, and sometimes to my own detriment. When I think about it, I'm not exactly sure where the kind of fierce loyalty I practice comes from. I don't have memories of some childhood lesson learned, or of this being presented as a value in the home I grew up in in words or deeds. If anything, I saw some pretty strong examples of reasons why sticking to someone or something can be more difficult than it's worth. Nevertheless, here I sit as one of the most determinedly steadfast people I know. I stick by people even when it makes no sense. I stick by people who have hurt me, or done things I don't condone. I have stuck by people and my caring for them even as they go to jail or make horrible mistakes they cannot take back. I have stuck by friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, and family when they have not earned it I have stuck by jobs even when I am frustrated or not making enough. I do this, and meanwhile do a killer job at whatever it is even when I think I deserve better. On a near daily basis I support policies that I disagree with out of loyalty and professionalism. I stuck it out in school even when my adviser abused me and stole from me, and when I realized that she had treated other students just as badly if not worse. Moreover, I finished my master's in her lab and thus ran her lab and advised her students for her.

Once I'm in, I'm all in.

I was talking with a good friend recently and he said, "I'm totally committed. You'd think it was a good thing but it's not." And I know just exactly how that feels.

I gain so much from this. I have gained the ability to forgive and move on (though it takes me awhile). I have kept friends I would have lost if I was faster to close the door. I have the ability to not give up on someone where other people would walk out and not look back.I assume my children will one day benefit from the deep value I have to commit.

If I had to guess, I would say this latching on and not giving up is about a few things. First, I am bad at giving up. I don't quit. I don't give in. I had a client a few years ago who made it her mission to make things very hard on the company, and since I was the representative of the company, her evil quest was directed at me. I remember saying to my bosses boss when she had made her most recent war volley that, "She picked the wrong person if she thinks this means I will give up. Because I will just dig my heels in harder." It took me forever to leave grad school, even though I had every reason to.  (and I didn't exactly quit so much as I left at an appropriate juncture) It took me an extra year to get my black belt, and I just kept at it. I grew up with the message in my ear that math wasn't my thing. So, of course, after picking the one college where taking a math class wasn't required (no grades, tests, pre-set majors or required courses at Hampshire College) I "minored" in math. I don't give up.

The other issue is that I see what is good in almost everyone I meet, even people who really friggen annoy me. I see the good in the person who bags my groceries with tomatoes on the bottom of the bag. And I have a nice conversation with him. I see the good in the cop who pulls me over out of boredom (and says, "you were almost going over the speed limit."). I see the good in the family member who abandons me and my affection. I look for the better side hiding underneath the good in the friend who gave me a hard time. I see the good in the boyfriend who was pathologically not there for me and expected me to give, and give, and give. (When he left me in the town I had moved to for his benefit days after my father had died claiming somehow that that loss was more about his unresolved family feelings than mine, I stopped seeing the good . . . six months later. We don't refer to him by his given name anymore.)

It's hard for me to close the door on anything I have invested in - a job, a friendship, a degree, a person I love. For me, I call this the "used car problem." See, I've only ever owned used cars. and some of them were more used than others. When you get a great deal on a used car, you have to also plan that some of the money you saved will go into keeping the car alive. I'm also pretty on top of regular maintenance. So, at some point, I would look at each car and think, "How much more money will I put into you?" On my last car before this one, I replaced the battery, hoses, two tires, brakes and two drums,  an important component of the electrical system, and water pump. That added up to more than I had paid for it in the first place. Of course, it didn't happen all at once. I invested a little bit at a time over 5 years. Somewhere in the third year I had the thought, "Do I really want to put this work into the car?" But then thought, "well, I've invested tires and brakes already, so I might as well pay the $300 for this repair."

It happens a little at a time, and it totally is the good money-after-bad issue. Only, with people, it's hard to see when the money turns bad. Well, for me anyways. If I don't give up on things, it seems just plain wrong to walk away from people.

The problem, of course, comes when people like my friend and I throw our lot in for the long haul and then get taken for everything we're worth. It's easy for someone who doesn't intend to be manipulative to take advantage of the capacity for commitment, and the large amount of loyalty. For someone who is needy, demanding, or a "taker" it's even easier. And let's just say that I have had my arm twisted professionally in the past.

When I allow this to happen, sometimes I get to keep someone or something in my life that deserves my investment, and sometimes I end up having to file a restraining order (true story). I am getting better at finding better used cars to begin with. My standards are going up. But my investments go up too.

I am working really hard these days to examine all my loyalties and see which ones best serve me. I am investigating deep, deep down to think if the people, places, jobs, and activities I put so much of myself into to see if I get enough out of it. I have found myself recently saying at work, "well, there's only one of me so I had to _____." I need to think this way more often.

There's only one of me. And I only get one today. One life. One heart. I need to . . . if not protect it,  at least be very choosey. Otherwise I could give too much of myself to things that don't work for me. I feel really sad when I think about the time I gave away in my 20's to things that didn't get me where I want to be. I know where I want to be now, so I am looking very carefully.