Writers Block

I am experiencing some liabilities of being a job searcher.

One of these is what I mentioned in the last post - tooooo muuuucccchhh screen time.

Another is that if I'm home, my inclination is to wear one of two pairs of pajama pants all the time, my renovated Family Kickboxing Academy sweatshirt (by renovated, of course I mean, stretched out, hood and cuffs cut off), no bra, and two pairs of socks. Because of this, I made a rule that if I'm home it's allowed to skip washing my hair (before you judge me as being icky know that Colorado is really dry and it's healthy to not shampoo my hair every day). However, I have to still shower, and change clothes. A bra is strongly suggested, though not required.

I also have to plan my meals very carefully. This was true before, and has to be true now. Before, I had to plan my eating so I could pack it up and take it with me so that I wouldn't go off the rails while on the road for 6-12 hours at a stretch. Now, I'm home for 6-12 hours at a stretch (how novel!!), and it would be so, so, so easy to just graze all day. This is also my first opportunity in YEARS to eat dinner before 9pm and to eat lunch sitting down. I want to use this as a chance to eat healthy and cook and eat meals at regular times. (Cooking also soothes me . . . and gives me a chance to dance in my kitchen. And not to toot my own horn, but both my trainer and dietician say they wish I could cook for them every week - healthy and yummy) Coincidentally, this also helps me stick to a budget.

Another effect of being home is I have to dodge the Jehova's Witnesses. They caught me here one day early in my journey of the unemployed. I looked through the thing on my door and only saw ONE person (If I had seen two I would have known what was on my doorstep). I had been getting lots of Fed Ex and UPS deliveries from my former employer so I foolishly opened the door. Baaaaaad move. Instantly I knew I had stepped in it. My house was dark, I was wearing, yes indeed, the sweatshirt, my PJ pants, and it was 10:30 in the morning and I hadn't showered. They asked apologetically if they had woken me and I was very brazen when I said, "No," as in, Yeah, that's right, this is what I look like mid-morning on a workday. Take it or leave it. (In case you're wondering, this was the beginning of my rules about showering and changing clothes.) We had a pleasant conversation for about 6 minutes, until they asked me if I thought God's government would take place here on earth during our lifetime. And I said something about how separation of church state allowed her and her friend to openly discuss their beliefs and that seemed pretty good to me so I would choose this government over any other right now. Then they left pretty quickly. But not before marking something down on their clip board and leaving me a booklet about God's Plan for justice and mercy. All of that would be fine except they now come back every week. No joke. I've come home twice to leaflets, and been here twice more when they've knocked . . . and I've wussed out and not answered. (I know, it's bad)

But the final liability is that between all of the screen time, and having to write cover letter after cover letter after cover letter, I'm losing a little of the zest for this blog. I actually have, no joke, 4 posts half written and am struggling to finish. I want to write. I have actually seen a big increase in my creativity in terms of conceiving of topics, but a real decrease in implementing them. I'll be in the shower or on the treadmill thinking of posts and how I could put them together. Where it used to just take the thought of a topic, and one or two lines or quotes and I'd be off and running to write something (I actually often would sit down and write a post in 45 minutes or less) now I have tons of ideas blocked out, with quotes, and I sit down for an hour and get less than half of a post done. I have writer's block! I'm spending all of this time selling myself, marketing ME, writing about ME in another forum and  frankly, I feel kind of narcissistic and overwhelmed when I try to write about me here. At least this week.

This blog has been so instrumental in my progress to be a better me up to this point, so I don't want to walk away from it. I'm battling through this by continuing to collect my ideas and trying to battle through the block.

Before this post begins to sound too complainy, let me also acknowledge that there have been some amazing positives to being unemployed.

First, I no longer am working a job that sucks the joy out of my life or implicitly expects me to not have a life.

I also am really moving towards a couple of jobs that would make me happy. My girl and I were talking last night about how I'm completely open right now. It's a chance for a total renovation. I'm not chained to a job that holds me back or asks too much, and I'm free and open in my personal life too. No vestiges of relationship remain between me and my ex, and so, I can care about him and still be done. I'm walking into a new life with no unhealthy attachments. I get to do it all at once and imagine all new things for myself. It's scary, but exciting and promising too.

Unemployment is good for other things too. My laundry is done. And folded! And put away! (I never keep up with laundry, or sorting the mail. It seems like as soon as I tackle these projects and chores it starts all over again. I mused once on Facebook that I had done laundry on Sunday. Let it sit in the dryer on Monday. Moved it to a chair on Tuesday to remind myself to fold it. Then on Wednesday moved it to my bed . . . and slept on the couch as a result. I wondered, "Will I reach shame level 10 and put the laundry on my front stoop?!" I did not by the way, but it didn't get folded until Thursday or put away until Friday, and of course I had to turn around and do laundry again on Sunday). I'm still bad about staying on top of some house work - unemployment won't make me suddenly enjoy scrubbing the shower or make taking the recycling out a priority, but, I'm more on top of these things than before.

I am doing 3 hours of resistance every week, and 4-6 hours of cardio on top of that. Last week, I did 5 hours of cardio, including a 2 hour swim. It was glorious and I am not being sarcastic about that in any way. I am eating regular meals, and very, very healthy. I've seen more of my friends in the last month than I had in the 6 months before. I got to drive up and surprise my friend who was studying while her husband and son were camping with a smoothie and study date. It was awesome to make her face light up! She said, "Oh! What brought this on," and I explained that I knew she was alone and could use some support, and that I also know that my job wasn't allowing me to be there for my friends the way I wanted to and I now have the opportunity to be there more. I hope all of this is a precursor to a healthier life where I have more time for my life outside of work, even when I do (hopefully soon!) go  back to work. This means I actually have time to date and to be out there, even though it's kind of a weird juncture in my life.

So, I'm hoping that as I start to put together the pieces of my life and to assemble them in a way that works better for me, the energy will come back to this blog. Until then, please bare with me if the posts aren't as energetic or frequent - I'm working on it!