Thanksgiving recipes

As I mentioned a couple of days ago, I am doing some serious cooking for Thanksgiving. I have always helped with this meal, from being a little girl helping to "clean" spoons, to getting a little older and helping to set a table, serve and clear, to becoming a young adult and beginning to contribute first one, and then a couple of dishes at each Thanksgiving meal. This was the first time that I was cooking so heavily for the meal, but I was so excited to dig into most of a Thanksgiving menu . . . you will notice that I had nothing to do with the protein. That is most definitely the way it should be - as someone who recently returned to meat eating after a 12 year absence I am so not worthy when it comes to buying, much less preparing meat! Luckily, I had a good friend who not only made the turkey and stuffing, but invited me over.

Here is what I made, and how people liked it.

Butternut Squash soup
Credit: adapted from www.epicurious.com

This was a big hit. I made this mostly because I wanted to do something with a butternut squash, but was surprised that it was yummy and that I wasn't the only one who was really into it!

Ingredients:

• 4 large shallots, chopped
• 1 medium carrot, chopped
• 1 celery rib, chopped - I excluded this since celery isn't my thing
• 1 (15-ounce) can diced tomatoes, drained
• 3 large thyme sprigs
• 1 Turkish or 1/2 California bay leaf
• 2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
• 1 1/2 pounds butternut squash, peeled, seeded, and cut into (1-inch) cubes (about 3 1/2 cups)
• 5 cups water - I used three cups of veggie broth and 2 of water
• 1/4 teaspoon grated nutmeg
• 12 bottled cooked chestnuts, chopped (1/2 cup) - I am unsure I'll do this
• I added chopped fresh rosemary

Preparation

I halved the squash, oiled it, and baked it at 400 degrees for 45 minutes

Cook shallots, carrot, celery, tomatoes, thyme, and bay leaf in oil in a 4- to 5-quart heavy pot over medium-low heat, stirring occasionally, until softened, about 8 minutes.

Add squash, water, nutmeg, 1 teaspoon salt, and 1/4 teaspoon pepper and simmer, covered, until squash is very tender, 20 to 25 minutes. Discard thyme and bay leaf.

Purée soup in batches in a blender until smooth (use caution when blending hot liquids). Thin soup if desired and season with salt and pepper.

Ladle soup over chestnuts in bowls - I did not do the chestnuts

Cooks' note: Soup can be made 2 days ahead and chilled, covered once cool. Thin slightly with water if necessary.

I also whipped some heavy whipping cream and served a dollop in the soup. Yummmmm.

Roasted Brussel Sprouts

Credit: Michelle Brazier and Heather Robinson

I was probably the only person there that was really into these, but I loves them. I wasn't going to roast veggies and not make them!

Ingredients

• Fresh brussel sprouts
• Coarse salt (I use a Himalayan pink sea salt)
• Olive oil (about 3 tablespoons)
• Crushed red pepper

Preparation

Cut the tough end off of the sprouts, and halve them. Toss them in a bowl with the olive oil, salt, and crushed red pepper. Place on a cookie sheet, bake in high heat oven (400 - 450 degrees) for 15-20 minutes or until crispy and carmelized to taste.


Roasted Cauliflower
Credit: Me

This was another hit. I think the thing that makes them so good is the special salt I used.


Ingredients

• 1 head of cauliflower
• Olive oil - about 2-3 tablespoons
• Salt - kosher salt, or smoked grey salt

Preparation

Slice the stalk and leaves off of the head of cauliflower. Cut the heads and stems into pieces that are Goldilock's-sized - not too big, not too small. Toss with oil and salt. brown in the oven at about 400 degrees for about 10-15 minutes until the tops begin to brown.


Fork Mashed Potatoes with fresh herbs

Credit: Me

These went over VERY well. I had tested these potatoes at three previous Thanksgivings so I was glad they fit well into this Thanksgiving too.

Ingredients

• 2-3 bags of mini-red potatoes, soaked but skins on
• butter
• salt, to taste
• pepper, to taste
• Fresh herbs - chopped (Rosemary, Thyme, Sage)

Preparation

Boil the potatoes until tender (but not mushy). Drain and cool for a few minutes, and leave the skins on. Split the potatoes with a hand-masher, and then add butter a tablespoon at a time - start with a couple of tablespoons. Sprinkle in salt and pepper and begin to use a fork to mash the potatoes. Slowly add more butter, and the freshly chopped herbs.


Chocolate Chess Pie

Credit: My Mama.

This is not everyone's thing, but for those who like, it, they really like it.

Ingredients:

1 stick butter (melted)
1 1/2 C sugar

2 eggs

3 T cocoa

1 small can of evap milk

1 t vanilla

Preparation

Stir sugar and cocoa into butter.  Add eggs one at a time, beating well, that's beating, not heating after each

(** BEAT-NOT-HEAT is a joke from back in my high school days. On a boring Sunday my bestest friend everest came over and we capriciously decided to see if their were ingredients to bake cookies. We scoped out a recipe from my mom's giant recipe box, and got started. My mom has beautiful handwriting, but her "h" curls back towards the stem, looking a little similar to a "b." On a faded recipe, we couldn't tell the difference and thought it said to HEAT the butter and sugar.  So . . . we did! And as we added the other ingredients the dough turned into cement. Without baking. Beat! Not Heat!) 

Add vanilla and milk.

Pour into an unbaked pie shell.  Bake at 350 for 45 minutes.

Apple Bundt Cake

Credit: www.epicurious.com

I took this to Thanksgiving and then brought it as a dessert to another friend's house. It was well liked by several people, and honestly, once the apples are peeled it's super easy so I think it may become something I make more often.

Ingredients

• 4 medium Golden Delicious apples (about 1 1/2pounds), peeled, cut into 1/3-inch pieces - I added one gala apple as well
• 5 tablespoons plus 2 1/2 cups sugar - I used only 4 T of sugar on the apples and only two cups of sugar in the batter
• 2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
• 4 large eggs
• 1 cup vegetable oil
• 1/4 cup orange juice - I used a little extra.
• 1 tablespoon grated orange peel
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 3 cups all purpose flour
• 3 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
• 1/2 teaspoon salt

• Powdered sugar

Preparation

Preheat oven to 350°F. Grease and flour 12-cup Bundt pan. Mix apple pieces, 5 tablespoons sugar and ground cinnamon in medium bowl. Combine 2 1/2 cups sugar, eggs, vegetable oil, orange juice, orange peel and vanilla extract in large bowl; whisk to blend. Stir flour, baking powder and salt into egg mixture. Spoon 1 1/2 cups batter into prepared Bundt pan. Top with half of apple mixture. Cover with 1 1/2 cups batter. Top with remaining apples, then batter.

Bake cake until top is brown and tester inserted near center comes out with moist crumbs attached, about 1 hour 30 minutes. Cool cake in pan on rack 15 minutes. Run knife around sides of pan to loosen. Turn cake out onto rack. Cool at least 45 minutes. Dust with powdered sugar. Serve slightly warm or at room temperature.

Cranberry Sauce

Credit: Adapted from www.allrecipes.com

This was the easiest thing I made, and it was . . . ok. Most people don't really care about the cranberry sauce, and I think that's how this one went.

Ingredients:

• 12 ounces cranberries
• 1 cup white sugar (I only used 3/4 C)
• 1 cup orange juice
• sprinkle of Cinnamin
• Sprinkle of fresh ground nutmeg
• Sprinkle of orange zest
  

Preparation

In a medium sized saucepan over medium heat, dissolve the sugar in the orange juice. Stir in the cranberries and cook until the cranberries start to pop (about 10 minutes). Remove from heat and place sauce in a bowl. Cranberry sauce will thicken as it cools.

Pumpkin Bread

Credit: adapted from my Mama

Ummmm, on second thought, this is one of the only things I bake really well, to the point that people ask for it. And I don't want to reveal how I've altered my mom's recipe. So, this, and one other recipe of something that I cook (black bean soup!) will remain the creative property of me. But I'll make them for you!!

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving and had a lot of reminders of things you are grateful for.

An open letter to my future relationship partners

Hello lovely man/woman,

Thank you for your interest in the Christie. It's always flattering to be found attractive, funny, and interesting. Before we embark on this period of seeing how we might fit together and enjoy each others company (aka "dating") it would be good for both of us to take a long hard look at ourselves.

I can promise you that I will work to not be needy, demanding, irrational, or manipulative. I also want you to know that I understand that when people try to spend time together, sometimes there are misunderstandings, or even the chance that one or both parties feelings get accidentally hurt. I will work to communicate well, and to work through those hard moments productively and without games, deceptions, or dramas if and when they arise. I acknowledge that I have flaws, and am open to hearing how I can work on them. I ask the same from you.

I will not change who I am for you, but I am interested in being the best version of myself as often as possible. I know I will sometimes fall short of that, but in turn, I know that you will not be perfect. I have high standards, but compassion for humanity's imperfections too.

Now, being a woman in my thirties, this is not my first circus. I expect the same is true for you. This means we have both probably had some bad partners, disappointments, and horrible, soul-maiming experiences. I am so not in the dark about that, and if sharing those stories is something that is important to you, I will listen with tenderness and understanding. I may also need to talk about some of my stories. However, if you have unresolved feelings for your ex or exes, that's a different matter. I will not be your rebound. I will not judge you for your past relationships, or how they were concluded - I know from first hand experiences that when dealing with the complications of two people's feelings we all sometimes do or say things we regret. On the other hand, if those experiences have you left you too wounded to walk upright into another relationship, then let us not burden one another with damaged and diseased expectations carried over from the past. I am not your ex, and I will not do or say the things s/he did or said whether those things were/are good or bad.

Now, a few other matters:

• I believe in God. I do not require that you do (though sharing ideas about God and deeper questions would be nice. Being able to talk about this is important, no matter what you believe). I do require that you are respectful of my beliefs and the beliefs of people I share time with who also believe or worship. You do not have to agree with their beliefs, traditions, or lifestyles but making fun of them or making blanket assumptions is unacceptable. Likewise, if you do believe in God and look down on my friends who don't believe in God, that is also bad form. They have values and beliefs and are my friends because they are good, generous, lovely, funny, intelligent people.
• I believe in marriage, so if you are married, please move along. You are free to re-apply if your circumstances change and your marriage ends. Formally. Officially. For good. For reals.
• In that vein, I believe in marriage between any two consenting adults. My best examples of what healthy marriage can be come from two same sex couples. So, while we may differ in our opinions about many political or philosophical positions, you are kidding yourself if you think telling me "gay marriage is wrong" will do anything but cause the beginning of a full-scale war.
• Addicts need not apply. I have the utmost respect for your struggle as an issue of psychological health and as a disease, but if you are not well along the road of recovery, if your problem is still overwhelming to you, you can bet adding another person's feelings and wants to the equation won't help.
• I have issues, you have issues, we all have issues. I try not to blame anyone for mine, and have a lot of affection for anyone who has the self-awareness and sense of personal responsibility enough to take charge of theirs. 
• Lying - let's not.
• Cheating. I see no need. Isn't it better to break up with someone instead of adding someone else in, secretly? Ewww. I'm an adult about this, you can be too and if you can't, we're not a good match.
• Secrets. I don't have them. I may not tell you everything-everything-everything all the time each and every day but I won't hide anything from you and will answer any questions you ask. I'd ask to have the same consideration from you. 
• Physical attraction. Ummm, it's important. On the other hand, I'm not a model and I don't need you to be.
• As to relationship status,  and "where we are at," I think it's important to communicate about it. I don't date casually, but I also don't think this means we'll be moving in right away. I don't want a friend with benefits, to be sure, so if you do, please head to the neighborhood bar for a quickie. On the other hand, I'm a bit cautious before diving in all the way. I don't want to take a leap off the cliff and then find myself in the water alone.
• I am extremely loyal and will be there for you if you let me. If you are someone who plans to leave when difficulty strikes in my life, to walk out during a time when I'm dealing with something else major, or who can't handle ever making a commitment then please, for both our sakes, find companionship with someone who has not already done that in their life. You can be THEIR lesson. I don't need another one in that category.
• I have my own life, and my own friends. Of course I'd like to share that with you, but some things are going to be "my" things (getting pedicures with my mom comes to mind), and I expect you will have things that you do without me too. I do not have velcro on my hip for you to attach to.
• I like a lot of music, but country and I aren't quite friends yet. Just so you know. Also, I hate all scotch, bourbon, and whiskey. This will not change.  :)

Finally, it's nice to meet you. Please be yourself, and be honest about what you want. It really will save us from investing time we end up wanting back. I'm done with with games, words that are not backed up with actions, and with having people take more than they give. If you are too, then a cup of coffee would be great. Thanks for your application!

All the best,
Christie

The giving of thanks

I have four bags of mini-potatoes in my house.

Normally there is just no way that purchasing this many starches and having them here and readily available for munching would be a good idea. But food rules sometimes don't work at the holidays. The dilemma is that if I add up all the holidays, parties, nights out, weddings, baby showers, birthdays, Super Bowls, etc. there are in a year, I'd have to throw in the towel on roughly two months of every 12. I'd have to give up on 1/6th of my year, and then dig myself out of that the other 5/6ths of the time. Not a good plan. For instance, I can't throw out my food rules and good nutrition for all of Christmas and New Years.

The thing is, Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. My most favoritest ever. It's not about the food. I mean, it's not NOT about the food (especially since I grew up eating some of the best stuffing and pumpkin pie around at this time of year), but for me, what I like about Thanksgiving is that it's for everyone, equally. Every family has the opportunity to figure out what kind of holiday they want this to be (with maybe one caveat for the families that are subsisting in poverty and not able to make ends meet). A day to watch football? A time for all to gather round the TV and make fun of the parade? A formal holiday with crisp table linens and napkins in laps? A time to name things that everyone is grateful for? All of these are possible ways to bring Thanksgiving into your house. It doesn't matter if you believe in God. And if you do, it doesn't matter if that God for you takes the form of Allah, Hashem, Buddha, or JC. No one has to buy gifts, or figure out of their card is PC enough to fit all situations. There's no wrapping, and no returns. Just people who like each other deciding they want to spend this day together.


To be fair, my mom would point out that for every thing I name that makes this holiday awesome by not having to be done (hanging blinking lights!), she can come up with a task she has had to do to pull this holiday off in style in the past: buying and carrying in a heavy turkey, stuffing it, getting up early, early, early to stuff said turkey and cook it slowly. But since I never cared about the bird or eating it (and then went vegetarian for 12 years) I'm conveniently leaving that part out.

What I like is people who like each other sharing this day in whatever way seems like the best way to appreciate each other and the day. I do like the food, but for me it's more about the relaxation, and as an adult, the true enjoyment of sharing the preparation of food with others. For a couple of years now, I've been unofficially trading Thanksgivings back and forth between my mom's house, and my sister's house. I've enjoyed the differences in traditions and celebrations, the chances to catch up with separate branches of my family, and the food in both places. My mom's Thanksgiving is very much about her working quite a bit to have a very nice meal where everyone sits down at the same time, whoever everyone is. Although we wear jeans, that's relatively new at my mom's Thanksgiving so when she wants me to help lay out a table cloth or set the table, what I remember is the earlier Thanksgivings in my life where I wore dresses and tights. We do still sit down all together and say a blessing, jeans or no. So, I'd say it's a slightly less casual secular Thanksgiving. Not a formal meal by far, but a lot of work is put into presentation nonetheless.

My sister's Thanksgiving is a turkey of a different color. It bears saying that the first time I was there, the whole kitchen was torn up and two saw horses and a particle board were part of a makeshift table we prepared and served food on. So, a little different than the Thanksgiving I grew up with in Connecticut (smile). I remember calling my sister before that first trip to Texas and asking her if she had expectations for what people wear to her Thanksgiving. I laughed when she said she had three expectations about that particular Thanksgiving:

1. That everyone contribute a dish, even her youngest, who at the time was 6.
2. That her husband get the kitchen sink working before the meal (which we were actually having on Friday)
3. That everyone put clothes on and not be in PJs.

I laughed, but it's important to note that there was actually one child on that Thanksgiving who waged a brief and failed attempt to remain in PJs. And yes, the sink went in and got working before the meal . . . just. It was epic. Because everyone had to take turns in the kitchen to prepare food, and because absolutely each and every person at the meal made part of the meal, regardless of their age, other jobs (sink plumbing!), interest in or talent for cooking, it was much more about getting everyone's dishes done than about serving them nicely. I really enjoyed taking the focus away from perfection and presentation and putting it on contribution and collaboration. It made the meal-prep no less time-consuming but very entertaining. The food turned out great (as did the sink) and I noticed how everyone was very excited to eat, check out each others dishes, and see how their dish would be received. I still remember my oldest nephew tossing pecans and marshmallows while making the sweet potatoes (and trading stories about each others siblings. Ha!), my oldest niece talking to me very seriously about green bean casserole, my youngest niece's face when her pumpkin pie came out of the oven, and my youngest nephew asking for help with his chocolate pie. It was a great meal.

I say that, like I've ever had a bad Thanksgiving meal. (Though that one was particularly memorable, in food as well as in company) I have never liked turkey, though I don't dislike it either. Everything else - delish. I do like cranberry sauce, pretty much any vegetable that is dished up, most mashed potatoes, and let me not understate this, my mom's stuffing is THE BEST. I also need to be honest - I adore pumpkin pie. Over the years I have worked really hard to enjoy these things in moderation. One plateful, not four. More vegetables than anything else on my plate, no need for bread if I'm having stuffing AND mashed potatoes. Drink lots of water. Basic tips like that.

So, I'm excited to try all of this out at a new Thanksgiving table this year. For the first time, I am celebrating a major holiday in Colorado. Since my mom is coming here for Christmas in just three weeks, it seemed silly to buy a ticket and go there for Thanksgiving. Initially I thought I might just spend the day by myself, cook a yummy meal (Risotto and soup crossed my mind. So did nachos. I'm serious. ) and watch movies. That would have been completely fine, but I ended up with a better offer. My very good friend, the same one who invited me for a mini-cation up in Steamboat Springs invited me to her house for the giving of thanks. she's been to enough of my parties to know I can cook, so we kind of skipped over the niceties "oh thanks for inviting me! what can I bring?" and went straight to menu planning. Turkey or pork tenderloin? What kind of pie? Since part of our friendship was forged when we used to work together and I would bring her pumpkin bread, I assumed that it was assumed that I would bring that! So, now that we're just a couple of days away and my recipes are researched I'm getting excited to cook. I did my initial shopping last night (hence the potatoes) and will likely do my final shopping tomorrow morning. Here is what I think I am making:

• Pumpkin soup. This would be my first slow cooker recipe. (sidenote - anyone want to share slowcooker recipes with me?) I'm honestly thrown by how easy the recipe is - it seems like a trick! -  so I've also been looking up a butternut squash soup just in case.
• Pumpkin bread
• Roasted cauliflower
• I will probably also bring roasted brussel sprouts. And my host and hilarious friend is making another veggie. this gives me a chance to fill a plate that is mostly veggies
• Either chocolate chess pie or apple cake. Or BOTH!
• fork mashed potatoes with fresh herbs
  

It's actually funny that I'm making the mashed potatoes. For yeaaaaaaarrrs now, at my mom's it's been my job to ready the potatoes for making. My mom has a a bit of a gross-out ick-factor with washing and peeling potatoes. So, I've always done that, and then boiled and readied them for whipping. This recipe that I'm making this year is not a uniform whipped potato, but rather one with skins, fork mashed so that they're "real" with herbs added for taste. Butter, yes. But with all those flavors, no need for cream. They were a hit with my nieces and nephews so hopefully they'll go over well this year too.

I'm sure this sounds like a lot of food I'm making, overkill even. But thanksgiving is a little about that. My hope is the pumpkin bread will get tucked away by my host as a gift for her (since she has done so much for me). I can't really prepare for this meal without making a dessert. I may not even eat dessert, but making one has always been part of my mindset for this holiday since being three and watching my mom turn out pie-crusts and grease and flour pans. The potatoes and veggies will take me an hour for all three recipes so I'm so not worried about that.

I want to contribute. I want to be an adult helping to make this meal. I'd rather put more time into cooking than eating. I want to say thank you to my friend for giving me a weekend away and for having me for this holiday. And, I think this might be a good way for me to test some recipes and then post them here. (Would readers like that, I wonder?)

So, those potatoes will get made and brought, and left behind. I will not bring them home. They will find a better home with my friend and her family. I will eat protein and veggies, and yes, I will have some carbs too, though I will probably save some for drinking rather than eating them all in a pile of potatoes on my plate.

Final note: in addition to the four bags of potatoes, there is a can of whipped cream in my house. Such an item usually does not survive more than 24 hours despite my best intentions. I am determined it will accompany me to my friend's with no needs to hastily and shamefully replace it on the way to her house so I am writing it here to commit to restraint!

Biggest Loser

Ok, let m preface this by saying that I so know I have been slacking on this blog. This month has been brutal, and I realized today . . . bleeeeeehhhh it's only half over. With three trips, and unexpected work on my schedule, I just feel painted into corners. I have no choice but to be on the road at 6 am tomorrow. I have no choice but to have done 12 - 14 hour days last week. That means I had no choices other than to eat the food at the conference last week. I have no choice but to not get enough sleep tomorrow, and still work out after a long day.

If there is anything that I hate, it's not having control. (Ahem. Yes, I am probably too structured for my own good.) To be really honest, the reason I started this blog was because I felt out of control and in the dark about my weight. I wanted to shed some light on what was working and what was not working so that I could investigate it out of the closet, out of the dark. In my head I thought that if I could be more honest, and more accountable for my choices, more searching about my patterns and tendencies, I could see clearly how to take charge, be more in control, and head in a direction I felt better about.

To some degree that has been true. But in other areas of my life, I do feel that things are speeding out of control (ahem! Work!). It sounds tongue-in-cheek but man, if only I didn't have to take care of my life like an adult, I'd be all set to work out and eat right! If I didn't have to travel again tomorrow I wouldn't have to worry about what food choices or lack of choices I'll be facing. I wouldn't be worrying about running at 10pm. I wouldn't be worrying that something else would come up that felt more important than my needs. If I hadn't worked today, I could easily have NOT been where there were bagels. I could have not had to eat lunch in my car. If I didn't have to pack tonight I could have gotten in a second workout.

But then I also think about how HARD it is to not hear the voices in my head saying, just as loud as can be, "There is a whole store a mile away just full of popcorn, ice cream, and frozen pizza. Doesn't that sound like a nice place to visit?" Those voices lurk around every corner. I swear they come out of the heating vents in my car, "Chrrrrriiiiisssstie. Stop at the nearest Starbucks and get a pumpkin latte and cupcake. Mmmmm." They show up at the store, trailing around behind me as I shop, "Dude! Greek yogurt is good, but do you know what's better? The entire frozen dessert aisle." But they seem to LIVE in my couch, "You're just sitting here. Why exercise? Doesn't a bowl of popcorn sound better?" I swear when I bought this couch it came with a speaker system I didn't know about that selectively broadcasts that misleading, evil voice.

What I really want is to be like all other addicts and go to rehab. I want to take a time-out on my life, go away, and put my focus on my issue. I want to locate a place inside myself that understands, deep down that this problem is forever, but that also doesn't mean I have to be haunted for forever. I want to build strategies without having to at the same time, solve a crisis at work, book flights for my mom to come for Christmas, think about family drama, or have a hard conversation with my boyfriend. I often think, "Everyone else gets to get sober before they have to deal with life and people!" (But I also realize that that may not be true. that there are probably a lot of people moving in and out of AA meetings who have to go home and cook dinner, pay bills, or have a fight with their spouse.)

I know that the difference between my addiction, and say, an alcoholic or drug addict, is that I can't not eat. I have to do the thing that causes me to be out of control. I can't decide not to go to the bar. I can't sever ties with my dealer. My drug is something that everyone needs in moderation, whereas "cocaine in moderation" doesn't sound like a recipe for health. (Anyone who knows of my Margaret Cho obsession will understand that the phrase "in moderation" constantly makes me think of her talking about her mother working at the book store and unpacking gay porn. Tee hee!) This means that my drug will always be a part of my life and my dealer shows up at every meal, party, most social interactions, work meetings, and inhabits every street corner. Moreover, I have to accept that in order to function in life, I have to be ok with showing up at parties that are unlikely to have cocaine or meth, but will almost always have food. And not just food, but trigger foods - maybe not everyone will serve the now infamous Cheezits but odds are that there'll be popcorn, or candy, or pizza, or something yummy for dessert, or honey roasted peanuts, or . . . or . . . or.

So, maybe it's not realistic to think that going to be somewhere outside of my stressful life would give me some opportunity I don't have. But I also have to accept so many instances of not being able to measure and prepare my food, so many times where I have to eat what's served, so many times where my choices are to work out or sleep, so many times where there isn't enough time for me to fold my laundry, much less take on the giant project of searching myself for how to overcome this and change.

So, yeah, I'll just admit it - I watch The Biggest Loser. Yup, I do. I know this show is highly produced, and I know that it's not anyone's reality, least of all mine, much less something to strive for. Of course, the fact that there are people who lose 100 pounds in 10 weeks catches my eye but also makes me wonder if that can possibly be a good thing). But it's more than that. It's not the prizes and money. It's not the fancy gym or makeovers. It's not the celebrities. It's that every single contestant has to to shed weight, but along the way they also all - down to the last one of them - overcome an emotional roadblock. Over the years of watching whatever weight loss shows are out there, it has become clear to me that for almost everyone fighting this fight this is an emotional disease much more than a physical one. I don't think that is the message of this show, and in fact, I think they do a pretty bad job of portraying it, but that is what I am tuned to see - it's the fact that people don't get fat primarily because they're lazy, ignorant of their situation or what would help, or unable to do something about it. People get heavy for the same reasons I eat out of control sometimes . . . because it is easier to do that than solving their other issues. 

But what really keeps me coming back for more is that they get to leave behind the lifestyle that enabled their unhealthy patterns - at least for a little while. If they're lucky, they get to do it for long enough to start to form new patterns and habits. (And it doesn't hurt that the trainers are hot)

I long for that. I mean, I don't actually want to be on the show, because seriously peeps, I do NOT look pretty when I sweat. And ohhhh-eeeem-geee it's hard enough to get on a scale with just myself in the room. It gives me goosebumps to think about doing it on TV week after week. And let's be clear, that scale has HUGE numbers making every bad result that much more horrifying. Shiver! But the privilege to put all my energy and resources into putting my feet firmly on a better path, oh, how it calls to me.

I think there may be a "grass is greener" thought process here. I know that rehab isn't a vacation, and Biggest Loser contestants walk away from their jobs, true, but being on the show becomes their job for however long it lasts. Anyone who goes away to rehab, boot camp, or whatever other program, has to give up control, and the comfort and support of friends and family. But maybe, just maybe, my life is unhealthy in ways beyond my addiction. Maybe, just maybe my job stress contributes to how slowly I progress down this path. Maybe, just maybe if I could walk away from all of that for a few weeks (and NOT go to the Biggest Loser ranch, but go somewhere else aimed at healthy weight loss and getting to the bottom of what caused the weight gain) I might be able to better cement in new ways to be me.

In the meantime, I am thinking long and hard about salads and late night runs in Utah. Send me your support, good thoughts, resolve, prayers, and anything else you got!

update

Ok, in the spirit of brutal honesty, I ate the pizza I was craving. I know it won't help me. I know that even if my the numbers on the scale aren't changing, other changes are taking place. I know that it was an emotional, not nutritional need. And I know that in the end, filling that emotional void with pizza makes things worse. I know it was a back-slide from how awesomely on top of chicken and vegetables I have been. I know, I know, I know all of these things and so much more.

But I wanted it. and I couldn't fight that after fighting fights at work, in my eprsonal life, with my condo association, with my conscience, and the losing battle with the scale. So I gave in.

And you know what? It wasn't even that good. It felt so . . . anti-climactic. It felt so . . . unfulfilling, in every way. I wasn't nutritionally satisfied, I was far from emotionally satisfied, and I did all of this heading into a three day conference where I will be surrounded by bad food every minute of the day. Tsk, Tsk.

So, now I get to try and dig myself out of this hole while working too many hours to exercise, surrounded by desserts, chips, and other unhelpful snacks.

See Christie run. See Christie run right into her worst nightmare. see Christie dig a hole for herself. Now see Christie try to dig her way out while trying to accept that not being perfect at this is part of the process.

Epiphany in 4th grade

I had a flashback the other day. I was remembering 4th grade. My teacher in 4th grade was Mrs. Travena. She was lovely, and in charge of the school newspaper so she was very into making reading and writing cool. What heaven for me. If only I hadn't been 10 years old, I could have appreciated it more. Because, you see, at 10 years old, I had already endured being at an "awkward" age for a year, and I was damn tired of it, and pretty cranky about it too (if only I had known it would last for another 9 years. Siiigh). I'd had my share of boys making fun of my bra by snapping it, my teeth were too big for my face, and let's face it, with my hours of reading and insufferable-know-it-all-ness I was not going to be one of the cool girls. I know this now, but at the time, it was hard that the girls I had grown up with were suddenly a seemingly different species than me.

I felt myself floundering a little, socially, and so I started trying out different friend groups. It turns out that finding my "group" in a school of less than 200 kids probably wasn't going to give me the sample size I needed (I never really did find my "group" until college, and then again in grad school, and then again, here. All three of those groups were well worth waiting for). I never really did find a group that I fit well with. For a lot of that year, I latched onto just one friend: Kelly. Kelly was cute, spunky, and had a life completely different from mine. She was funny, and had interesting stories, and her mom was soooooooo cool. I remember I was in the hallway, collating the school newspaper (by hand) the day that parents were coming in for conferences. Kelly's mom came in, said hi to me, and then went and found Kelly afterwords. She talked with Kelly for a minute, give her a big hug and high-five, and then left our the back door. Kelly saw me and came bounding down the hall, jumping up and down saying, "Oh my gosh! Guess what?! I got all C's! Alllll Ceeeeee's!"

I had a momentary pause and then jumped up and down with her and said, "Yeah!"

Internally, it took me until after she walked away to process this. As I continued to walk slowly around the table, collating by hand, I realized, for Kelly, C's were worth celebrating. That for her, this was good news. At my house, and in my family, my parents said, "As long as you do your best, we're proud," but nobody had ever had to test that beyond a B+.

I'm not knocking my former-friend Kelly. As I came to realize, she worked really hard for those C's. 4th grade wasn't easy for her, and her life at home seemed really cool to me (all that TV and independence!) but also meant she didn't have the support to do cool homework projects like I did. She probably worked a lot harder for her C's than I did for the steady stream of A-'s I got that year. You know, I knocked out some reports and science projects and diaramas, but 4th grade was really pretty easy for me. I didn't have to dig down deep for much - it's not that I didn't care, because I did, but looking back, I wasn't ever really mentally taxed at school until High School.

The epiphany fr me was realizing that I not everyone aims for the same thing, and that my standards are reeeeee-heeeaaally high. This isn't really surprising. Since I grew up as the only girl sibling in my family, and the oldest (all of that to shift and re-settle once I met my sister) I definitely have the standard - take-charge, high-achiever, structured personality of the first-born. I also had parents with high standards, and some means to support them. In my family, winning is important, competition was real, and good grades were expected. Also, despite all of us having a certain degree of special needs, we also had a lot of raw goods to bring to the task wen it came to success at school. It was fair for my parents to expect A's and B's.

It was eye-opening for me to realize that not everyone has the same expectations. This issue has returned to me again and again in my life. I've been told I have very high standards. I've been told I'm my own worst critic. I've been told I have to be kinder to myself. I've been told I'm pushy. I've been told I'm unforgiving. I've been given this message in as many disappointing and hurtful ways as nice ones in my life.

I think about this a lot when setting goals for myself, for my exercise, for my weight loss, for my to-do list at work, for whatever. I think about it when I don't hit the mark I was aiming for. Because everything I've been told about myself, whether or not it was said nicely, is true. I don't just get disappointed, I punish myself. If I eat a piece of pizza I'm a bad person, if I don't get things done on my to-do list I'm an absolute failure. If the scale goes up, I should just resign myself to being depressed for the day. If I don't get what my trainer is showing me on the first try I'm royally pissed at myself for hours. (I hate to admit it, but there was one day where I was supposed to clean-press and we had raised the weight, and I was just not getting it. I had to be more precise with my movements, and fearless, and I was not succeeding at either. By the fourth set of failures, I totally fell apart, throwing a mini-tantrum because I was so mad at myself I couldn't put it into words past "aaaauuuuuugggguuurrrrrrhhhh!")  

I put on a good front when I say to people (generally people who approach me with jobs that don't work for me), "I don't have to be good at everything. There are things I know I am truly exceptional at. I make amazing soup, and can do full splits!" But, the truth is, not being awesome at things is generally not ok with me. I can live with not being fab at the following: Scrabble, poker, rock climbing, drinking Bourbon, making pie crusts, and parallel parking. But everything else, come on, I need to rock at it. Dental exams are to be aced, shopping trips should not only be efficient, but hit the budget mark within a penny, and it's important to me to get good reviews at work. My brother and I have a running joke with my mom that we're her "favorite." It comes up over and over. She'll tell me thank you for something and I'll say, "Mm-hmm, that's because I'm your favorite."

I made a lot of fun of Charlie Sheen, and "winning!" continues to be my ring-tone, but come on, winning is cool. As much as I love winning, I hate losing. Unless winning is losing. And right now, all I'm doing is losing at being a loser.

That's right readers. I lost nothing this week.

Pardon me for a moment, . . . "aaaauuuuuugggguuurrrrrrhhhh!"


In the crazy two weeks that I've had at work, I've managed to fight to find the time and wherewithal to weigh and measure eehhh-hhhheeeeee-verriiii-thing, to bring healthy lunches and dinners with me, and on two occasions breakfast too, to tote around my gym bag and fit my cardio and lifting workouts in SOMEHOW . . . for THIS?! Seriously?!! I hit all of my goals for serving sizes and all of the right number of servings for each thing. I even skipped several carb servings, subbing in extra servings of RAW VEGETABLES. I had several days where I skipped my discretionary calories altogether, and I left alcohol out of the equation altogether.

I stood on that scale and looked at her and said, "I'm sorry, but I cannot put this much time into measuring everything I put into my mouth, and fighting to get my workouts in and still have things be this slow. Everyone else I know can go to the gym a couple times a week and stop eating chips and lose more weight in a week than I do in a month. I'm probably going to eat pizza today. For reals." and then I cried, but just a little

I want to win at this. I have to win at this, even if winning means having lower goals than EVERYONE else. And it's heartbreaking that I'm digging my heels in this hard to deal with my food issues, to be accountable, to peel back as many layers and be truly honest here, to fight myself kicking and screaming into the gym, to give the popcorn the finger when it's what i really want, and to generally know that my endocrine system is a little like that old adage that no matter how far you lower the bar, there are some who will insist on slithering beneath it. No matter how reasonable I think my goals are, or how much harder I am working than everyone else I know, my endocrine system can still frak it all up. And the truth is, my standards ARE high. I expect a lot of myself, and this makes me very much want to pull the covers up over my head. And eat pizza.

I came home, and stood at my counter, and fought off the urge to order pizza. I did not cry. I thought about Kelly, and her C report card and wondered if I could be happier finding my way into that mind-set. What if I was ok with winning less? What if getting a C was ok for me in this case? The problem is, Kelly worked really hard for those C's, and (here's the key) was happy with those grades. I'm working really hard, really, really crazy hard, and trying to talk my way into accepting that C's are the right thing to expect, and getting D's. Deeeeeeeeeeees.

So, I didn't order pizza, and I didn't cry (until shedding a few more tears now) but I did eat two slices of pumpkin chocolate chip bread, and I did skip my run today. then, I felt like a failure and decided to eat vegetables for the rest of the day. I can't phone it in every day, I know, but just for today, I needed to want less and to not try.

What the nutritionist said

So, I've owed readers his post for awhile. I'm not sure anyone is keeping track, or even reading me that closely, but I mentioned three weeks ago that I was referred to a dietician and said I would tell you all more about that and what I learned.

I'll be very honest - I went in with my guard up a little. I didn't want to be told I had to eat anything weird, or that I had to give up foods I liked forever. In my mind, it's not reality to never have pizza again. For instance, there is someone in my life who says, "I don't eat carbs. Ever. Even fruit." Except . . . he drinks, so he does imbibe carbs. I wanted advice on how to get the best results while still keeping in mind that my job requires I travel, a lot, and, I have to be able to go out and have fun sometimes too. I needed some help finding the land of moderation and figuring out how to put down roots there.

I'll also admit that my guard was up because people make assumptions about fat. People assume that when they see fat it means the person wearing it doesn't like vegetables, doesn't work out, has no concept of how to eat, etc. And frankly, my problems are not about knowledge or even about effort. My problems are biological and psychological. I have a lot of knowledge about the benefits of salad and protein and why it's important to eat breakfast and have a couple of well planned snacks. I'm not saying I know everything, I'm saying that my hypoglycemia and my years of dieting means I know more than the average person, regardless of my size.

I've had doctors in the past assume that I am unwilling to eat healthy, or a couch potato. I had one doc tell me if I was unwilling to work on my weight, he wouldn't take me as a patient in his asthma management practice. That's how he brought the topic up with me. He didn't ask what I had done in the past to address my weight - he assumed it was something he would have to convince me of. Ummm, hi. I look in the mirror every day. Do you think I dig sweating in the gym 4-8 hours a week to be this size? When I then told him how much I was working out and how healthy I was eating, he dismissed me and said, "Well, then you'd be smaller than this. You should think seriously about a 1200 calorie diet or getting your stomach stapled." I looked him straight in the eye and said, "I'm not unwilling to talk about my weight or even work on it. Do you have any constructive suggestions or are you just going to continue to assume I'm lazy and ignorant.?"

I lodged a serious complaint against him and found a new doctor, who, by the way did some tests to prove that in fact my lung capacity is not impacted by my weight. But it stuck with me that that doctor felt free to assume so much about me after having me in his office for 4 minutes, and felt free to recommend something medically dangerous for me. (If a doctor who is educated about the body and how it works could assume this, what does the person passing me on the street think?)

It was with this baggage I entered into the dieticians office. I know I'm overweight. I've known it since I was seven. I also know that I have medical conditions that make it impossible for me to ever be a size 2. I know those same medical issues make weight loss a very slow battle. And I know that my lifestyle and work don't do me any favors in that area either. And I know that when you add all of that together it makes it very, very hard for me to stay motivated. Perhaps most importantly, I also know that food is my drug of choice. I choose it over alcohol and caffeine every day and twice on Sundays. It's not just that I am someone who likes food or enjoys it and has somehow accidentally enjoyed too much of it recently. Food makes me feel better, but then it makes me feel worse. It's an abusive relationship. I mean, sometimes I can eat chicken and salad and not feel anything other than glad I ate lunch. But other times . . . mmmmm, all I can think of is unplugging myself with some snack of choice.

The dietician did some really awesome things for me. She confirmed that it's crazy to try and count calories all day long, and that people who do that are more likely to either struggle in the other direction, becoming obsessed with how few calories they can have, or to become someone who doesn't consider that not all calories are created equal (100 calories of brussel sprouts are always going to be better for you than 100 calories of soda). She gave me an opportunity to practice my working knowledge of serving sizes and good choices (1 cup = a tennis ball. 3 ounces of protein = a deck of cards, and so on). She took my RMR which told us how many calories I burn by breathing and doing nothing else. This gives us a baseline of how I should plan to exercise and eat to get the best results. We agreed on the following - 5 servings of bread, grains, or starchy vegetables, 2 servings of fruit (I can combine those for 7 overall servings of "carbs" but it's best for most of those to come from whole grains or vegetable sources rather than fruits), 3-5 servings of non starchy vegetables (tomatoes, broccoli, V8, asparagus, brussel sprouts, etc.), 3 servings of dairy and 7 of protein, 5 servings of fat (1 tsp of butter, 1 slice of bacon, 5 almonds, etc.). This left 180 discretionary calories a day (honey and granola in my Greek yogurt, 1 beer, a handful of chips, etc.) We calculated all of this based on aiming for an intake of 1850 calories a day and taking into account 2 hours of lifting and 3 of cardio a week.

The goal was to lose 1.25 pounds a week, and I'll be honest, that sounded like a lot to me in good and bad ways. Typically at my best if I eat perfectly and work out a LOT I might lose 3 pounds a month. But, she did the math and I wanted to believe in this. I paid for the appointment out of pocket, after all. 5 pounds a month sounded GREAT!

She didn't ask me to take any weird supplements or anything, and the only things she suggested I try were a particular kind of low-calorie organic bread and spaghetti squash as carbs. She suggested these because those two options allow me to have larger servings so she hoped it would mean my feeling more full and satisfied.

We discussed how someone with my medical issues has inherited a genetic predisposition to insulin resistance, and this means I have to have the right kind of carbs to "unlock the gates" and let food get let in to be converted to energy instead of being stored as fat. I'm lucky that with all of this going on that I never, never test as being pre-diabetic or as having even borderline issues with my thyroid. Still, that insulin resistance will make it tricky to find the right food combination for me for the rest of my life. It will often mean I eat but my body forgets it has energy and reacts to low blood-sugar. (Low-blood sugar crashes, are without a doubt, the worst feeling I've ever had. I prefer bone breaks and serious asthma attacks to that feeling)

As it turns out, it also means my dietician has some more work to do. After three weeks, I lost less than one pound. ARG! I know that her practice probably does see a lot of people who are making their first attempt to get healthy. But she's one of my last stops. After this I . . . well, I won't give up. But I may put more effort into dealing with myself rather than continuing to spend a lot of time and money on trying to be something I'm not or can't be. If I can't lose weight, maybe putting more effort into maintaining and being ok with that is wise. I know, I know, maybe I can lose weight just very, very slowly. Or maybe plugging all of my numbers into a formula doesn't capture the whole picture of how my body works. Maybe we just haven't found the answer yet.

I feel very, very tired when I think about how much work it is for me to do this, even with help, and still see minimal results. I do the workouts, I eat the salad, I take the meds . . . it seems like it's time for the pay off. She looked at my food logs and was stumped, because I have been eating a lot of yummy vegetables and doing a lot of exercise. In my heart of hearts I knew that 5 pounds a month was a lot to hope for - not for "normal" people maybe, but for me. I feel I've eared a break and it would be nice to have something work the way it's supposed to. It turns out doing the math right isn't enough.

In a way it was good to know I'm not the only one that my weight is mysterious to. It's good to know I'm not the only person who has to look at me and wonder why the things that work for everyone else don't work for me. It's good to know that someone else has to do extra work to make my diet and exercise give me the results I should have. It's also really discouraging that the things that work for everyone else don't work for me. It's disappointing that hard work isn't enough because I don't know what else to do. I hope the dietician does.

I will say, just as a chance for me to stick my tongue out to that awful doctor - the dietician also told me that less than 1600 calories and/or no-carbs would make my hormones worse. So there. Phhhhhttttttt!!!!