Kale, glorious kale!

Long ago, in a far away land, I went to college. When my mother drove me there . . . ooooooo. Well, she had spent about two hours between me standing in line to get my keys and then carrying things up to my third floor room. Then we ran into town to set up a bank account for me, run an errand, and dashed back to campus in time for the welcoming speeches for orientation. There we were surrounded by new, incoming Hanpshire-ites (who actually LIKE being called "Hampsters" - Hee, hee.), older students who were there to lead Orientation activities, and of course, staff and faculty. My mother spent most of THAT hour looking around, with her jaw visibly hanging open, at the students and incoming students and their distinctive images and appearance, shall we say. At the end of this she said, "I've always taught you not to talk to strangers, and now I just don't know what to tell you." (Ha! As an important note, when I graduated, my mom had come full circle on this. Hampsters don't walk across the graduation stage in cap and gowns; they wear what they want. And BOY DO THEY. My mom took three or four pictures of me, and about 37 of the fellow graduates saying, "I hope you don't mind, but for me it's a little like going to the circus!")

Hampshire College is a place that encourages and supports extreme individuality (I say that knowing I'm bringing to mind "extreme sports." It's intentional - Hampshire is a glorious, and extreme place. Worthy of another post unto itself . . .  oh yeah, I've been working on that post for nigh unto 3 months now.  .  . so stick a pin in that). It does this in terms of educational philosophy and curriculum, as well as in other ways. What's hilarious is that from pretty much the moment that I entered kindergarten I was very obviously, "that girl who's a little different" in my K-12 school experiences, and in comparison at Hampshire, I was something of a subversive because I was so "mainstream."  I found very quickly that the ways I had tested the boundaries and pushed the envelope were not so great as those of my new peers. I hadn't taken a year off to hike Europe, I had never dyed my hair or made my own clothing from natural fibers, I hadn't quit high school in favor of homeschooling myself so that I could do MORE, I hadn't published anything, and I had to ask someone what kale was! I went to a vegetarian potluck and was thrilled about the rice salad, the grilled corn and roasted red pepper salad, the stuffed zucchini, but, "what's this green stuff? Spinach?"

A few years later, I moved out of the dorms and into Hampshire's on-campus smaller setting housing (I hesitate to call them "apartments" because they are generally shared with 5-8 people. Which is a lot. But they have kitchens and living rooms. Which was what I was looking for at the time) and my "mod-mates" and I split a share of Hampshire's farm. I want to say that for a semester's worth of vegetable we each chipped in something like $30-40 dollars. The catch with farm shares is that you get whatever portion you get of whatever has been harvested. It's not like you go in and say, "I want tomatoes, garlic and zucchini this week." Early on we got a few strawberries, tomatoes, and things like broccoli, basil, and onions. Even fresh flowers one week! But once we got into November and December, the winter vegetables populated our share - sweet potatoes, other roots, and lots and lots of kale. I used to go pick up the share, take the kale, and just stick it gingerly in the fridge and hope fervently that the adorably young, hippie, dancing student we lived with would know what to do with it. Often times she picked up on the silent brain-wave from me and obliged.

But, I also was part of a group that met every Monday with a potluck dinner attached to our meeting. And so, finally, inevitably, it was an early December afternoon and I had been so busy finishing math assignments (another thing that branded me as subversively "normal" at Camp Hamp), planning my teaching, and writing a chapter of my thesis that I hadn't had time to plan what I would bring to the potluck. In the back of my mind I thought, "I'm sure that we have some corn chips and cheese . . . ??" No. I descended to the kitchen and found no crackers to put peanut butter on, no corn chips, no sweet potatoes I could quickly roast or mash, aiiiiiIIIIIIIEEEEEEE. (I made this noise in my head A LOT that year as I balanced being engaged with work with teaching AND writing a thesis. Sometimes in excitement and other times in utter, flat-spin-esque PANIC.) Ok, self, what DO we have. Well, we have kale. A quick walk down the hall to knock on Sara-dancer-girl's door, "Umm, what can you tell me about kale."

I think she saw the anxiety in my face because I remember distinctly her pausing for a quick beat before saying, "Why don't you just steam it lightly and then borrow some tahini from me to serve with it for the Counselor Advocates." (I might not've known what all of our vegetables were when we got our weekly share portions, but one of the things I had done for our mod/flat was to create a calendar/board thingy so that we could communicate the 28 different directions we were all going in at all times and be sensitive to what was going on in each other's lives. Ahhhh Organization, my long-time companion.)

I did just this, and all of the vegans at my meeting DELIGHTED at my offering. I was kind of like, "Umm, ohhhh-kaaayyy." But here's why: first, I'm not a vegan. Second: I ADORE vegetables. I have always felt this way. Mushrooms, asparagus, salads, bring it on. My parents never had to negotiate with me to get me to eat my veggies. With only two exceptions: not a fan of beets. Aaaaaand, I don't like cooked cabbage. Well, kale is a form of cabbage.

Fast-forward many years, and here I am in Boulder. If ever there was a place MORE dedicated to local,  farmers-market, veggie-full eating than Hampshire, here it is. I am a long way from Kansas, as it were - in my first month living here alone I encountered kale 4 times. (And while I didn't think, "ewww" I also wasn't like, "Oh, I'm definitely getting THAT.")

But, the story doesn't end there. I have wonderful, entertaining, health-minded, whip-smart friends, and two that live in Jersey mentioned kale or cooked it in foods I was sharing with them. One of them is the "Ima" (mom) in my Jewish family, and when I returned to visit, she had kale in a soup for the start of the Shabat meal. I thought, "hmmm, kale. Perhaps I have judged you unfairly." Another is perhaps the most entertaining person I know in real life. She revels in making fun of stereotypes and can often be found discussing how, as a lesbian woman, she knows she is expected to eat kale and bang her tambourine with tabbouleh and quinoa flying out of it. (Biggest giggle of all.) She also posted a recipe for kale salad on FB.

Eureka!!

Simple, not cooked, fresh ingredients, come to meeeeeeeee. I made this salad last summer because I needed a break from lettuce and cucumber based salads and didn't want to cook vegetables. Very quickly, kale became something written in bold, all-caps on my grocery list each week. In fact, when I lost my job and started planning my budget down to the tiniest detail, I cut many things out of my grocery list, of course. But what was remarkable were the things I cut from my grocery list specifically IN ORDER TO SAVE KALE.

If you had told me that the year before, I would have bet money on the opposite result. But, here is the thing, despite all of the hype about super foods (we hear it hawked at us all the time. Acai! Pomegranites! Brussel Sprouts!) kale is pretty much a super-hero. It has a great anti-oxidant profile (of course) but it's also a green so it can stand in for lettuce or spinach, but pound for pound has massive amounts more of fiber. It also has high amounts of absorbed calcium, vitamin C, B6, potassium, and folic acid. (Read: my friend was right in that lesbians should eat kale, but not because they love women; instead, because they ARE women.) Kale is profiled as helping to prevent cancer, heart disease, high cholesterol and blood-pressure and osteoporosis (Psssst! The leading disease threats for women in the U.S. are cancer, heart disease, and stroke. Cello.) Most of us would have to eat a stir fry of vegetables to get all of that, and then something separate to get the eye-health promoting lutein and folic acid kale also has. See? Superstar.

But, since kale was a little intimidating for me, I had a knowing nod and smile when my good friend posted yesterday, "I'm never intimidated by any vegetable (or most food for that matter) but I bought kale at the grocery store this weekend and I'm ascared of it!" Kale is wonderful and amazing, but I too had some not great introductory experiences with it. One feels a little like they need to either MAKE themselves eat this power green, or like they need to be credentialed by the Food Network as an expert or something to unlock the tastiness of it.

So, I'm here to tell my friend (and I suppose all of you, also) that kale need not be feared. First, think of it as being tougher (as in, able to withstand more handling, cooking, etc. ) than lettuce, but milder than spinach. Thusly, it will seem like something you can add to pasta, soups, or stir fries much more easily in your head, instead of some elite vegetable that you place gently in your fridge and hope someone else eats (as I once did).  Secondly, unless you really LIKE steamed vegetables or tahini, let us give my former friend and roomate Sara-the-dancer her due for bailing me out of a jam, but don't steam it and eat with with tahini. You will feel like a vegan, and then you'll begin to worry that you need to BE vegan in order to appreciate kale. In my experience this is followed closely by a panic of, "If I'm a vegan, I can't eat cheese! If I can't eat cheese, then I can't have cheese-fries. Why would I ever give up cheese-fries for KALE? aiiiiiIIIIIIIEEEEEEE! " So, no, no tahini. Don't set kale up as the enemy of bar food. That's not a winning strategy.

Next up, when buying kale, you march yourself bravely into the produce section, and don't worry about the people in hemp clothing! You have just as much right to that kale as them! Fourth, I prefer the flat-leaf or "dinosaur" kale, but whatever you get, it should be such a deep green it should almost have hues of blue and purple in it. And finally, kale is listed on the "dirty dozen" of produce that is high in pesticides. Here's the gig, as I see it: even if you're buying organic, we all need to acknowledge that labeling things as organic is a business, and there's big money in it. There's a list of CHEMICAL pesticides approved for use in certified organic farms, and they aren't necessarily less harmful than those used by non-organic farms. Buy local if you can, but whatever you do, let's all just agree that thoroughly washing our produce is something that's part of life now, mm-kay? (As a sidenote, I will note that like lettuce and spinach, your leafy, deep green-blue kale will last longer in your fridge if you don't wash it until you're using it and it's dry in it's little bag in your crisper drawer.)

Now, eat some yummy kale. (DO EEEEEEETTTT!)

Here are my recommendations:

Kale Salad (courtesy of the lovely and indomitable T-budd): Kale, grape tomatoes, pine nuts, lemon, olive oil, salt and pepper (scallions, carrots, feta optional)

Cut the kale into thin ribbons, almost chiffonade. Then I cut those in half cross-wise so they are more fork-able. Cut your little tomatoes in halves and thirds. Add to bowl. Mix well and add pine nuts to taste. Squeeze a whole lemon over the salad (I use bottled juice in a pinch but an actual lemon makes a taste difference for me) and add about 1.5-3 tblsps of olive oil. Salt and pepper to taste. (Add chopped scallion and/or shredded carrots and/or crumbled feta to change up this salad). I eat some version of this almost every week.

Kale Soup (courtesy of Allrecipes): Now, almost all of my winter soups go like this - oil, onions, whole spices or fresh ground spices, saute, then add either carrots or bell peppers and bay leaves, then add broth, beans or lentils, salt, other spices and herbs, boil, simmer. (I add other "secret" ingredients to dress up soups depending on which one I'm making. Beer, mustard, lemons, fresh rosemary, etc.) Kale can be added to any one of those soups. It can also be made in the recipe in this link with sausage, beans, potatoes, and hot peppers.

Kale chips: Kale, oil spray, mixed spices of your choosing, oven.

Admission - kale chips have horrified and worried me for some time, even after my kale-conversion. My cousin oven baked some this year and then tagged me in her FB post describing them as having dried out and turned to "salty dust." Ugh. I felt almost responsible since I had been touting my kale-love-affair on FB for many moons at that point. Also, store-bought kale chips are groddy and expensive. aiiiiiIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!

My awesome friend Lauren (I think she is a Hampster at heart, though she attended a different college) turned me around on this one just a couple of days ago.

Set oven to 375-400 degrees. Spray a baking tray lightly. Cut the spines out of your kale leaves, and lay the halves down on the tray. Spray them lightly. Sprinkle with you spice mix of choice (We used Savory Spices "Capitol Hill Blend" which has shallots, salt, pepper, chives and parsley in it but I could have used salt and lemon pepper, the pesto blend, or many others . . . and probably will begin experimenting!). Flip the leave halves over and repeat this process on the other side. Place in pre-heated oven for about 5-8 minutes, You want them to make a crunchy sound when you bight them but not be fall-apart-baked-to-death. After we reached minute five we began checking them each minute in order to hit just the right amount of bake-age but not go overboard.

Kale stir fry: vegetable oil, low sodium soy sauce, fresh ginger finely chopped, scallions, garlic, white pepper, meat of choice (we use cheap boneless chicken), kale leaves chopped coarsely, veggies of choice (the best blend so far have been mushrooms, bell peppers, and broccoli)

I marinate the chicken cubes in a bowl with a medium amount of vegetable oil and soy sauce with some white pepper and a sprinkle of chopped ginger, add oil to a skillet/wok and then quickly saute the ginger, garlic, and scallions. Then I add the protein, reserving the "sauce", and add vegetables according to how fast they cook (mushrooms last because they cook down faster, kale in the middle, things like carrots or broccoli at the beginning since they cook slower. ) Add sauce at the end, serve over rice noodles.

Things I plan to try:

Kale with pasta: pasta, kale leaves, garlic, tomatoes, feta, olive oil, pine nuts

Add some cut tomatoes and torn kale to cooked pasta (spirals? orrechiette?), lightly roast pine nuts in olive oil and sauteed garlic, add to pasta, sprinkle with feta.

Kale with apples: kale, green and tart apples, walnuts or almonds, balsamic vinegar.

Braise kale leaves and apples lightly, garnish with chopped nuts, add a splash of balsamic. YUM!

So, although this post is really a gift for my friend (be not ascared of kale, chicca! I overcame and transcended my first impressions and you can too!) I hope this will also help some of you embrace my new favorite green friend. Also (shameless pug), please share your kale recipes with me! 

ADD and focus

Everyone in my family has "special needs." (I know that term has a specific meaning, but hate it. Because . . . don't we all? I have friends who are allergic to dairy and I attend to this when I cook for them. And friends who are introverts and won't enjoy a large group. Friends who are afraid of heights or elevators. Cello, we all have things, yeah?) Although my father had the kind of singular focus that all engineers do (in my experience), he also had some pretty apparent hyperactivity. And for those who think hyperactivity is the same as kids being boisterous and that people "outgrow" this, well, umm, no. You'd need only to meet my brother who is still the most ADHD person I know, now in his 30's, to see the incredible effort it is for him to sit in one seat for more then 10-15 minutes. While strong leanings towards math, science and mechanically complex knowledge as well as allergies and diabetes are traced on my mother's side of the family, strong leanings towards creativity, art and writing, nurturing and teaching, OCD, and ADD/ADHD cascade through my father's side of the family. (Both sides have poor vision and asthma, so, there was just no way out there.)

Growing up in house full of talented, smart (if not always conventionally so) people the expectations were high. (And no, this doesn't impact me at all now; I have no idea what you could be talking about! ) We were all expected to work hard, do our homework, get good grades (really good grades), as well as participating in other activities with dedication and some success. Swim lessons were not an option, and taking a musical instrument was strongly promoted. We all played soccer, for various lengths of time, and we all had at least one sport each year all through high school (My brothers typically had three or four, while I switched to music, writing, and what can only be described as the busiest high school drama program EVER). This on top of speech therapy and other kinds of assistance for me for years, and some early intervention for my brothers as well.

My mom's attitude was always, "Oh, that's harder for you. Hmmm. Too bad, you still have to do it." She wasn't unwilling to help, to try and strategize ways to make life more functional, or to be an advocate for us at school. But she was unwilling to let us make excuses. Spelling was surprisingly hard for me, considering my large and growing vocabulary in elementary school and my high school reading comprehension by grade 4. This was probably because of the delay in my hearing (my ears were blocked until I was about 5 or 6), which in turn probably caused my speech difficulties in addition to some weakness in phonemic awareness . . . which we now know through reading readiness research is linked to spelling. My mom fought for a speech therapy IEP for me, but she also wasn't going to let me off the hook. Whatever lists of words I was practicing for speech, she adamantly inserted into our conversations at home. And I was drilled on spelling words every night.

Much the same was true for my brothers who were identified early as struggling with focus and concentration. She wasn't unwilling to adjust the daily schedule to include laps around the house to burn off energy before homework or dinner . . . or both. There was never any blame or lack of understanding. My brothers weren't berated for their struggles and I was never made to feel badly about my spelling or mushy speech, but I was expected to work on it and consistently get better. My brothers weren't excused from acting like human beings, but there was often plans on how to best make things work for them so they could function. There is a subtle but important difference there that I've come to appreciate as an educator who heard over and over, "Well he has _____ and that means he can't ______." Ahhhhhhhhhh!!

In my house it never meant "s/he can't" but instead: it might take longer, you might have to work harder at it, or we might have to do that a different way to make it feasible.

So, I have of course carried this view into the world. Differences in what is easy or hard for me about a task aside, I should just do it and find the way that makes it work. (Case in point: who thinks it's a good idea for an asthmatic with two bad knees to run? ME!) I look down on no one who medicates their ADD kids, but know that it's not necessary for all ADD kids. I also think that whatever intervention or therapy is used or not used, environment and expectation management at home bears huge relation to successful management of learning differences and challenges.

All of this has been on my mind for the last month as I have, alarmingly, noticed the marked increase in my own ADD tendencies. I was never diagnosed as a kid - I certainly rarely exhibit any hyperactivity, and I would add that this is why so few girls are diagnosed with ADD. But two therapists in my adult life have remarked on it. I CAN focus, but I don't always PREFER to focus on one thing at a time. Our current societal norms of texting, while I check my FB status and send an email, while drinking coffee and making a grocery list of course, do nothing to disuade this. The interestingly unanswerable question is: am I genetically wired to multi-task to the point of dissipating my focus or ability to concentrate on one thing? Or is it learned behavior from being surrounded by a family who rarely did one thing at a time, and never did it without fidgeting? Or both?

Whatever the case, it has always been true that even when it looks like I am doing one thing, it only looks that way - with a couple of important exceptions. By this I mean, I can do a very good impression of total focus, but when I'm taking a test, I'm also managing a panic attack, and when I'm on an important phone call, I'm probably also folding laundry or making a to-do list. When I'm running, I'm doing interview prep.

But there were always exceptions. It has always true that I could sit quietly and read or write. This was importantly true in my family of loud, chaotic, bouncing-off-the-walls-climbing-the-bookshelves (Literally - when my brother was less than 3 he was found sitting atop high things frequently having scaled his way to get there) people. If I needed to not be part of that, I could throw my legs over the side of an arm chair and read . . . for hours. I could escape to my room and write, and write, and write. Now, well, it's been months since I could read for more than 30 minutes at a time, which rings the alarm bell for me since that's the measure my brother used to pace himself in getting through college - study or read in 30 minute blocks and then go do something and start again. And I was doing fine on writing (maybe because I had so, so many feelings in so, so many directions as I go through all of this?) but the last month it's been harder and harder for me to gather myself together to sit in one place and collect my thoughts on one topic. I find myself, even when I don't mean to, avoiding it. Or sitting down to write, and then as I get up to pour coffee, drifting off through a series of actions I don't even realize are taking me farther and farther from the keyboard - coffee, mug, mugs are in dishwasher, dishwasher needs to be unloaded, unload, did I fold laundry?, check dryer, drink coffee and plan interview outfit, wash coffee cup and then all other dishes in sink . . .  and before I know it I'm multi-tasking four other things and a half an hour has gone by.

I have been struggling with focus since November when things got very hard and emotional on the job. I had a brief reprieve of peace and quiet in my brain when it looked like two or three job options were shaping up in February, but now . . . It's been four months and ADD is rearing it's head so much that I realized last night that I'm basically not watching TV because the thought of sitting in one place to watch something for 30-60 minutes sounds massively unappealingly uncomfortable to me unless I'm already exhausted, in which case I've found myself falling asleep to the three things I've tried to watch in the last couple of weeks. I mean, come on, unemployment is when you're supposed to sit around and watch TV!

Filling my days through only my own initiative was something I had to do every day for close to four years working as a remote, solo office here. But, of course, I was guided by deadlines, things that needed to get done for my instructors or supervisors, and the tasks involved in the work I was doing. Now, I have to generate not just the initiative and motivation, but the tasks themselves and the structure to do them in. It's been really tiring, if I'm being honest, and it has meant that I go to bed almost every night exhausted, ready to turn my brain off from this constant process. Not to mention, of course, staving off panic, anxiety, disappointment, and at times, depression.

Being tired and emotionally worn is definitely not helping with the ability to concentrate, but it also can't be entirely blamed since I've been tired and emotionally worn in the past and, you know, written 100 page thesis papers. More, I think, I feel ungrounded. And I need my feet to be a little more planted to sit quietly and read or write - it's hard to lean into only one thing when you're running in six directions, I think.

Here are some other strategies I'm thinking of:

• My mom made my brothers run around the house. Not as in "go out and play" but as in, "I think you should do eight laps tonight - I'll count and wave when you run by the window!" I probably need to run or walk every day, even when it's my "day off" from working out. Burn off some of the anxiety or whatever it is coursing through my veins these days.
• Conversely, my family never had much of the just sitting quietly and being going on. And this is something that I struggle with. I was so much better at it when I was walking as one of my two primary forms of transportation (see above), and had weekly practice from my attendance at Quaker meetings. But, when I do it I feel better. I feel like I know who and where I am. I feel . . . resolved and strong. So, I've decided to try the same thing I used to advocate to parents who asked me why Kumon work for their child started from such an easy point. I told them that the idea of doing something every day is actually hard - how many things could they say they do EVERY DAY without fail, after all (It's a short list for most adults. Something I became keenly aware of when I did a 365 days photo project in 2009-2010). I asked them to think about, if they wanted to do pushups every day - should they start with 50 pushups tomorrow having done none for the last several weeks? No, then they'd be too sore the day after to do any and the psychological process of building a new daily habit would have been disrupted. Start easy, build up to 50. Seems logical.
  
  So, for my meditation practice I'm following this suggestion of starting small - at first, 2 minutes a day. 
• Caffeine has helped me eat less and let's just be honest, I make some killer good coffee . . . but it is probably not helping me focus. I may not need to go all the way back to my 2 cups a month standard, but probably would do well to do less than coffee every day. And let me just own up - I love me some Diet Dr. Pepper but it has no redeeming value other than it being yummy. So, there's another source of caffeine I should let go of.
• Getting enough sleep is crucial - I will work to keep that out of all of this. It's been great to sleep 7-9 hours a night instead of calling 5-7 hours of broken a sleep a win, as I was in 2011.
• I probably need to make myself sit and read daily if I want to relocate that capacity.
• Similarly, I probably need to write some every day. Cover letters don't count, but this blog, my creative writing, and my journal do.
• I probably need to acknowledge that part of happy for me is having creative pursuits. In 2008 - 2009 a creative writing group, in 2009-2010 it was photography, every day, without fail, for 365. In 2010- 2011 it was all about performing and singing. Right now I'm putting so much towards staying afloat that I can't afford (literally) to sing, and I'm missing it. Writing is cheaper, but also complicated since it uses the same part of my skills that are being tapped to try and sell my wares to potential employers (write cover letter, adjust res, apply, lather, rinse, repeat.) I'm thinking the first thing on the list is to do some tutorials for the new (free!) photo tool someone awesome directed me to recently. It's also spring in Colorado, which, you know, is just the worst time to get out the fancy cam. (sarcasm)
• I also probably need to acknowledge that the times in the last 10 years when I was most grounded and focused, I was also pretty unhappy. Despite the stress of really-really NEEDING to find a job now, I'm pretty happy. I don't think this means that I can only be grounded when I'm grimly determined to beat tasks that are unsatisfying into submission, or that being content equals being all over the place. But it does probably mean that there's some renovation going on and that finding out what happy AND grounded looks like will likely be a process for awhile.
  
  

Now, one other thing. Diet. Both of my brothers (and I will proudly mention that they came to this conclusion after investigation that was instigated by a conversation with me) have determined they are "glutarded." I had seen the enormous health benefits of reducing or eliminating gluten when my Jewish family was able to resolve not just skin, celiac, and allergy concerns by taking it out of their kitchen, but were also seeing major improvement in their two children who had sensory based learning differences and/or hyperactivity. I mentioned it to my brothers, and though the notion was initially rejected, they both have become avid gluten-free eaters and have felt better for it. I have been "gluten-reduced" for 4 years now, and have always done full gluten cleanses at least twice a year to try and re-set my system. I may never trip the scales on the incredibly expensive test that medically diagnoses gluten allergy, but I know this: when I limit myself to one serving of gluten a day my energy level and concentration level go up, my skin issues and allergies are decreased. Not eliminated - it's not magic. But I'm less reactive.

It is harder to eat gluten free on a budget - fact. I do better than many because Boulder is pretty much the gluten-free (GF) capitol of the world, but replacing normal every-day items with GF ones is often expensive. I do my best to just take bread out of the equation most days, and have found a good source of oatmeal and rice cakes, that are not certified GF, but hav no wheat products or "natural flavorings" (the bane of anyone trying to track down hidden sources of gluten) in them. But when it comes to things like pizza, waffles, beer, bagels, and my person mainstay - low calorie snack bars (think nutri-grain or cliff bar type items) a person can easily spent $6 - $8 on the GF equivalent of something that for everyone else costs $2.99. So, I admit it - although I'm basically not a bread eater anymore and there is plenty of rice at my house, I need to meter my other carbs a little better. Or, you know, get a job and start being able to put the 8 GF items I enjoy back on my grocery list.

And, now, for the first time in the illustrious history of this blog (ha!) I will make an inside joke for my bestest friend everst's benefit. Rob, I need some FOCUS.

Writers Block

I am experiencing some liabilities of being a job searcher.

One of these is what I mentioned in the last post - tooooo muuuucccchhh screen time.

Another is that if I'm home, my inclination is to wear one of two pairs of pajama pants all the time, my renovated Family Kickboxing Academy sweatshirt (by renovated, of course I mean, stretched out, hood and cuffs cut off), no bra, and two pairs of socks. Because of this, I made a rule that if I'm home it's allowed to skip washing my hair (before you judge me as being icky know that Colorado is really dry and it's healthy to not shampoo my hair every day). However, I have to still shower, and change clothes. A bra is strongly suggested, though not required.

I also have to plan my meals very carefully. This was true before, and has to be true now. Before, I had to plan my eating so I could pack it up and take it with me so that I wouldn't go off the rails while on the road for 6-12 hours at a stretch. Now, I'm home for 6-12 hours at a stretch (how novel!!), and it would be so, so, so easy to just graze all day. This is also my first opportunity in YEARS to eat dinner before 9pm and to eat lunch sitting down. I want to use this as a chance to eat healthy and cook and eat meals at regular times. (Cooking also soothes me . . . and gives me a chance to dance in my kitchen. And not to toot my own horn, but both my trainer and dietician say they wish I could cook for them every week - healthy and yummy) Coincidentally, this also helps me stick to a budget.

Another effect of being home is I have to dodge the Jehova's Witnesses. They caught me here one day early in my journey of the unemployed. I looked through the thing on my door and only saw ONE person (If I had seen two I would have known what was on my doorstep). I had been getting lots of Fed Ex and UPS deliveries from my former employer so I foolishly opened the door. Baaaaaad move. Instantly I knew I had stepped in it. My house was dark, I was wearing, yes indeed, the sweatshirt, my PJ pants, and it was 10:30 in the morning and I hadn't showered. They asked apologetically if they had woken me and I was very brazen when I said, "No," as in, Yeah, that's right, this is what I look like mid-morning on a workday. Take it or leave it. (In case you're wondering, this was the beginning of my rules about showering and changing clothes.) We had a pleasant conversation for about 6 minutes, until they asked me if I thought God's government would take place here on earth during our lifetime. And I said something about how separation of church state allowed her and her friend to openly discuss their beliefs and that seemed pretty good to me so I would choose this government over any other right now. Then they left pretty quickly. But not before marking something down on their clip board and leaving me a booklet about God's Plan for justice and mercy. All of that would be fine except they now come back every week. No joke. I've come home twice to leaflets, and been here twice more when they've knocked . . . and I've wussed out and not answered. (I know, it's bad)

But the final liability is that between all of the screen time, and having to write cover letter after cover letter after cover letter, I'm losing a little of the zest for this blog. I actually have, no joke, 4 posts half written and am struggling to finish. I want to write. I have actually seen a big increase in my creativity in terms of conceiving of topics, but a real decrease in implementing them. I'll be in the shower or on the treadmill thinking of posts and how I could put them together. Where it used to just take the thought of a topic, and one or two lines or quotes and I'd be off and running to write something (I actually often would sit down and write a post in 45 minutes or less) now I have tons of ideas blocked out, with quotes, and I sit down for an hour and get less than half of a post done. I have writer's block! I'm spending all of this time selling myself, marketing ME, writing about ME in another forum and  frankly, I feel kind of narcissistic and overwhelmed when I try to write about me here. At least this week.

This blog has been so instrumental in my progress to be a better me up to this point, so I don't want to walk away from it. I'm battling through this by continuing to collect my ideas and trying to battle through the block.

Before this post begins to sound too complainy, let me also acknowledge that there have been some amazing positives to being unemployed.

First, I no longer am working a job that sucks the joy out of my life or implicitly expects me to not have a life.

I also am really moving towards a couple of jobs that would make me happy. My girl and I were talking last night about how I'm completely open right now. It's a chance for a total renovation. I'm not chained to a job that holds me back or asks too much, and I'm free and open in my personal life too. No vestiges of relationship remain between me and my ex, and so, I can care about him and still be done. I'm walking into a new life with no unhealthy attachments. I get to do it all at once and imagine all new things for myself. It's scary, but exciting and promising too.

Unemployment is good for other things too. My laundry is done. And folded! And put away! (I never keep up with laundry, or sorting the mail. It seems like as soon as I tackle these projects and chores it starts all over again. I mused once on Facebook that I had done laundry on Sunday. Let it sit in the dryer on Monday. Moved it to a chair on Tuesday to remind myself to fold it. Then on Wednesday moved it to my bed . . . and slept on the couch as a result. I wondered, "Will I reach shame level 10 and put the laundry on my front stoop?!" I did not by the way, but it didn't get folded until Thursday or put away until Friday, and of course I had to turn around and do laundry again on Sunday). I'm still bad about staying on top of some house work - unemployment won't make me suddenly enjoy scrubbing the shower or make taking the recycling out a priority, but, I'm more on top of these things than before.

I am doing 3 hours of resistance every week, and 4-6 hours of cardio on top of that. Last week, I did 5 hours of cardio, including a 2 hour swim. It was glorious and I am not being sarcastic about that in any way. I am eating regular meals, and very, very healthy. I've seen more of my friends in the last month than I had in the 6 months before. I got to drive up and surprise my friend who was studying while her husband and son were camping with a smoothie and study date. It was awesome to make her face light up! She said, "Oh! What brought this on," and I explained that I knew she was alone and could use some support, and that I also know that my job wasn't allowing me to be there for my friends the way I wanted to and I now have the opportunity to be there more. I hope all of this is a precursor to a healthier life where I have more time for my life outside of work, even when I do (hopefully soon!) go  back to work. This means I actually have time to date and to be out there, even though it's kind of a weird juncture in my life.

So, I'm hoping that as I start to put together the pieces of my life and to assemble them in a way that works better for me, the energy will come back to this blog. Until then, please bare with me if the posts aren't as energetic or frequent - I'm working on it!

Thanksgiving recipes

As I mentioned a couple of days ago, I am doing some serious cooking for Thanksgiving. I have always helped with this meal, from being a little girl helping to "clean" spoons, to getting a little older and helping to set a table, serve and clear, to becoming a young adult and beginning to contribute first one, and then a couple of dishes at each Thanksgiving meal. This was the first time that I was cooking so heavily for the meal, but I was so excited to dig into most of a Thanksgiving menu . . . you will notice that I had nothing to do with the protein. That is most definitely the way it should be - as someone who recently returned to meat eating after a 12 year absence I am so not worthy when it comes to buying, much less preparing meat! Luckily, I had a good friend who not only made the turkey and stuffing, but invited me over.

Here is what I made, and how people liked it.

Butternut Squash soup
Credit: adapted from www.epicurious.com

This was a big hit. I made this mostly because I wanted to do something with a butternut squash, but was surprised that it was yummy and that I wasn't the only one who was really into it!

Ingredients:

• 4 large shallots, chopped
• 1 medium carrot, chopped
• 1 celery rib, chopped - I excluded this since celery isn't my thing
• 1 (15-ounce) can diced tomatoes, drained
• 3 large thyme sprigs
• 1 Turkish or 1/2 California bay leaf
• 2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
• 1 1/2 pounds butternut squash, peeled, seeded, and cut into (1-inch) cubes (about 3 1/2 cups)
• 5 cups water - I used three cups of veggie broth and 2 of water
• 1/4 teaspoon grated nutmeg
• 12 bottled cooked chestnuts, chopped (1/2 cup) - I am unsure I'll do this
• I added chopped fresh rosemary

Preparation

I halved the squash, oiled it, and baked it at 400 degrees for 45 minutes

Cook shallots, carrot, celery, tomatoes, thyme, and bay leaf in oil in a 4- to 5-quart heavy pot over medium-low heat, stirring occasionally, until softened, about 8 minutes.

Add squash, water, nutmeg, 1 teaspoon salt, and 1/4 teaspoon pepper and simmer, covered, until squash is very tender, 20 to 25 minutes. Discard thyme and bay leaf.

Purée soup in batches in a blender until smooth (use caution when blending hot liquids). Thin soup if desired and season with salt and pepper.

Ladle soup over chestnuts in bowls - I did not do the chestnuts

Cooks' note: Soup can be made 2 days ahead and chilled, covered once cool. Thin slightly with water if necessary.

I also whipped some heavy whipping cream and served a dollop in the soup. Yummmmm.

Roasted Brussel Sprouts

Credit: Michelle Brazier and Heather Robinson

I was probably the only person there that was really into these, but I loves them. I wasn't going to roast veggies and not make them!

Ingredients

• Fresh brussel sprouts
• Coarse salt (I use a Himalayan pink sea salt)
• Olive oil (about 3 tablespoons)
• Crushed red pepper

Preparation

Cut the tough end off of the sprouts, and halve them. Toss them in a bowl with the olive oil, salt, and crushed red pepper. Place on a cookie sheet, bake in high heat oven (400 - 450 degrees) for 15-20 minutes or until crispy and carmelized to taste.


Roasted Cauliflower
Credit: Me

This was another hit. I think the thing that makes them so good is the special salt I used.


Ingredients

• 1 head of cauliflower
• Olive oil - about 2-3 tablespoons
• Salt - kosher salt, or smoked grey salt

Preparation

Slice the stalk and leaves off of the head of cauliflower. Cut the heads and stems into pieces that are Goldilock's-sized - not too big, not too small. Toss with oil and salt. brown in the oven at about 400 degrees for about 10-15 minutes until the tops begin to brown.


Fork Mashed Potatoes with fresh herbs

Credit: Me

These went over VERY well. I had tested these potatoes at three previous Thanksgivings so I was glad they fit well into this Thanksgiving too.

Ingredients

• 2-3 bags of mini-red potatoes, soaked but skins on
• butter
• salt, to taste
• pepper, to taste
• Fresh herbs - chopped (Rosemary, Thyme, Sage)

Preparation

Boil the potatoes until tender (but not mushy). Drain and cool for a few minutes, and leave the skins on. Split the potatoes with a hand-masher, and then add butter a tablespoon at a time - start with a couple of tablespoons. Sprinkle in salt and pepper and begin to use a fork to mash the potatoes. Slowly add more butter, and the freshly chopped herbs.


Chocolate Chess Pie

Credit: My Mama.

This is not everyone's thing, but for those who like, it, they really like it.

Ingredients:

1 stick butter (melted)
1 1/2 C sugar

2 eggs

3 T cocoa

1 small can of evap milk

1 t vanilla

Preparation

Stir sugar and cocoa into butter.  Add eggs one at a time, beating well, that's beating, not heating after each

(** BEAT-NOT-HEAT is a joke from back in my high school days. On a boring Sunday my bestest friend everest came over and we capriciously decided to see if their were ingredients to bake cookies. We scoped out a recipe from my mom's giant recipe box, and got started. My mom has beautiful handwriting, but her "h" curls back towards the stem, looking a little similar to a "b." On a faded recipe, we couldn't tell the difference and thought it said to HEAT the butter and sugar.  So . . . we did! And as we added the other ingredients the dough turned into cement. Without baking. Beat! Not Heat!) 

Add vanilla and milk.

Pour into an unbaked pie shell.  Bake at 350 for 45 minutes.

Apple Bundt Cake

Credit: www.epicurious.com

I took this to Thanksgiving and then brought it as a dessert to another friend's house. It was well liked by several people, and honestly, once the apples are peeled it's super easy so I think it may become something I make more often.

Ingredients

• 4 medium Golden Delicious apples (about 1 1/2pounds), peeled, cut into 1/3-inch pieces - I added one gala apple as well
• 5 tablespoons plus 2 1/2 cups sugar - I used only 4 T of sugar on the apples and only two cups of sugar in the batter
• 2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
• 4 large eggs
• 1 cup vegetable oil
• 1/4 cup orange juice - I used a little extra.
• 1 tablespoon grated orange peel
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 3 cups all purpose flour
• 3 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
• 1/2 teaspoon salt

• Powdered sugar

Preparation

Preheat oven to 350°F. Grease and flour 12-cup Bundt pan. Mix apple pieces, 5 tablespoons sugar and ground cinnamon in medium bowl. Combine 2 1/2 cups sugar, eggs, vegetable oil, orange juice, orange peel and vanilla extract in large bowl; whisk to blend. Stir flour, baking powder and salt into egg mixture. Spoon 1 1/2 cups batter into prepared Bundt pan. Top with half of apple mixture. Cover with 1 1/2 cups batter. Top with remaining apples, then batter.

Bake cake until top is brown and tester inserted near center comes out with moist crumbs attached, about 1 hour 30 minutes. Cool cake in pan on rack 15 minutes. Run knife around sides of pan to loosen. Turn cake out onto rack. Cool at least 45 minutes. Dust with powdered sugar. Serve slightly warm or at room temperature.

Cranberry Sauce

Credit: Adapted from www.allrecipes.com

This was the easiest thing I made, and it was . . . ok. Most people don't really care about the cranberry sauce, and I think that's how this one went.

Ingredients:

• 12 ounces cranberries
• 1 cup white sugar (I only used 3/4 C)
• 1 cup orange juice
• sprinkle of Cinnamin
• Sprinkle of fresh ground nutmeg
• Sprinkle of orange zest
  

Preparation

In a medium sized saucepan over medium heat, dissolve the sugar in the orange juice. Stir in the cranberries and cook until the cranberries start to pop (about 10 minutes). Remove from heat and place sauce in a bowl. Cranberry sauce will thicken as it cools.

Pumpkin Bread

Credit: adapted from my Mama

Ummmm, on second thought, this is one of the only things I bake really well, to the point that people ask for it. And I don't want to reveal how I've altered my mom's recipe. So, this, and one other recipe of something that I cook (black bean soup!) will remain the creative property of me. But I'll make them for you!!

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving and had a lot of reminders of things you are grateful for.

Lacrosse balls, food logs, and breathing, oh my!

I'm someone who needs a lot of professional help. I try to do things myself as much as possible, but sometimes, I just can't do things on my own. I hire people to wash my car. I sometimes hire people to do my toenails, not because I can't do it but because I love, love, love pedicures. I used to cut my own hair, but the truth is, it's worth it to pay someone else to do it. I pay to have my clothes altered because I never learned to sew. I hire people to change my oil and my condo association hires people to do our lawn care and landscaping (thank god!). I have friends who do these things on their own. I have a couple of friends who do their own oil change, and one of my oldest and dearest friends spent the summer re-siding his HOUSE for God's sake. Not me. I mean, I don't pay to have my laundry sent out or anything, I can do things for myself (I cook! I do my laundry, I hate folding, but I do it!) there are just things that it would take me so much time to do or to learn to do that it's worth it to pay to get it taken care of.

There are a couple of things about this that fascinate me. For one, it is one of the most conspicuous signs that I am in the middle class. While I grew up in a family that was comfortable most of the time, I also grew up during the last great recession, in a family with three kids. So there was very rarely extra to go around. And with one parent who was working incredibly hard to transcend not attending college and another who left a white collar job for a blue collar one, I think it's fair to say I grew up not quite in the comfortable middle class - perched nearby but not quite soundly there. I grew up in a town full of incredibly privileged families, so while we weren't ever worried about putting food on the table, I was aware of the differences. We didn't have someone clean the house, we didn't go to Disney World. New cars, nuh-uh.

I am often uncomfortable with the fact that I have launched myself into this class in society. For instance, I can't fathom buying a new car. And, I don't know that I will ever be able to hire someone to clean my house (not that I need to, my house is fully cleanable by me) because cleaning houses was one of the four jobs I worked to pay college tuition. I feel very weirdly self-conscious when I pay someone to hem my pants. I am aware that I have choices like buying plane tickets and iPhones.  And there are times (like when I bought my iPhone, or when I moved into this place with in house laundry. Not in-building . . . in my HOUSE! Life-changer, woot!) that I celebrate it.

The other thing is that . . it becomes more and more natural to ask for help. In the long run, this is a good thing. I used to be pathologically, stubbornly independent. My mother loves to tell the story that when I was two I would cry out if either parent started to help me, "I'm inn-deeeee-peeenn-DENT!" It used to be painful for me to ask for or accept help. When I was on crutches for a year, my boyfriend-at-the-time offered to go down to the basement and get me a ginger-ale. I was mortified. Now, it seems like it's nothing to me to ask for help. But underneath, I am always a little concerned that I should just suck it up and do it myself.

But yeah, I get professional help. Just in the last week, I got my hair done, saw my trainer, saw a therapist, and followed a plan made by the dietician. I am logging my food, and following a plan of how many carbs, how many vegetables, how much fat and fruit, and what counts as a serving size.  This means I have to measure all my food, plan carefully to get enough of everything, and do a lot of cooking (thank goodness I can do THAT by myself). I am writing everything down and thinking, "Oh, I should eat more olives tomorrow," or "Oh, I should remember that that only counts as a half serving." It's a lot to think about when I just want to grab lunch.

Meanwhile, my trainer has me not only working the kinks out in my muscles, but re-learning how to stand and walk. Today it's snowing so I'm camped on the couch because my brain is full of thoughts on how to walk. "Three point walking - heel, ball, toe." Standing is work because I'm constantly having to remind myself to change my posture, shift my weight off my toes, and unlock my knees . . . it's how the rest of the world stands, but it feels like my knees are bent when I do this. This is what is in my head while I'm cooking, while I'm showering, putting on make-up, reading the label on some granola in the aisle of Whole Foods. While I'm standing in the grocery line, or talking to someone on my feet, it looks like I'm doing normal things, you know how you do, but really I'm trying to revamp my whole way of staying upright and moving through the world. My brain is full, and it's work to keep track of this.

I am foam rolling my muscles, and using a lacrosse ball to roll my feet out. That's not only work, but it's painful and time consuming.

Add to this following a technique from the therapist about how to be assertive without expectation, and breathe through anxiety and I'm constantly questioning myself. What would expectation look like? Is my weight on my toes? Is that cheese one serving of dairy or two? Am I walking correctly? Did I roll out my leg muscles and IT band today? Breathe, breathe, assert your wants, but don't cling to any expectation about them. Is this assertive or aggressive? What do I want. Unlock your knees! Oh no, didn't eat enough fat servings today!

Oh, it's work. And it sometimes seems backwards that I pay to add this work to my day. But, I know in the end, I asked for this help. And I need it. I need not to bring more mess to sort through into the middle of my relationship. I need to have a an eating plan that allows me to eat on the road, but also be healthy and chip away at my goals. And I need (oh, I can't believe I'm going to say this) to be able to go running. I need to work out and feel good about it. 


So I seek help. I work hard to work those things into my schedule. I work hard to follow the things I learn, the things I need to change, into my day-to-day. So, I bought me two lacrosse balls, I carry around my food log, and I'm working on breathing my way through the messy feelings I have right now. Oh my!

Calling myself out

Ok, I started this in part to keep myself accountable. So, now I have to do that.

That means admitting I've been off the proverbial wagon for the last seven days. It's hard to admit this, because it means admitting the bad choices I've made, and the fact that I knew they weren't the most helpful choices as I was making them. It's not like I can say, "What?! I had no idea that it was a bad plan to eat that cake!"

I needed things I wasn't getting, so I put other things in place that were not what I needed but made it seem like I was getting by. I loved my friends' visit, but of course being "on vacay" or having people visit from out of town often means eating out. Still, though, while there were some extravagances during their visit (most notably more alcohol than I generally do, risotto, some apple cake - delish by the way - and some self-serve fro-yo) there was also a lot of vegetables, a lovely salad lunch, and some exercise. What really was caused me to fall over the edge was not their visit or my semi-vacation eating, but instead all the things leading up to it. If anything, the semi-vacation time in my own city brought some balance back to "the force."

See, September put me on the road every day but three, and it wasn't good for me. I needed more time, more support in my work and personal life, more practical help from my office, more sleep, a more solid plan to eat well and exercise, and some downtime so that I could process, think, and set myself up to make good decisions. What I got was an average of 5 hours of sleep a night, the need to do all of my cooking in two hours a week, having to make myself go to the gym after 9pm and after 10-14 hour work days, eating in the car, and working longer and longer hours and falling more and more behind on administrative office work. I got a lot of tired, a lot of unanswered personal and professional questions, and a lot of pressure to do and be more.

I am glad to report that I missed only two of my workout assignments from my trainer in September, and worked really hard for all of the days September, to eat healthy. I walked in the mornings, though the beginning of the end of my commitment was when I stopped getting up at 6am to do that regularly. I ate a lot of healthy food, but the FRED voices worked their way in. I was tired and stressed out pretty much every day, all day and there was a stress toll paid as well. I've noticed that FRED has a lot less to do with bad food being present, and a lot more to do with addictive eating, emotional or stress eating. FRED has almost nothing to do with being hungry, but for sure being tired is a big predictor of what I will hear loudest inside my head.Yes, that's right . . . like a schizophrenic, something I'm starting to learn about myself is that there are some internal voices I need to make friends with; those that ell me it's a good idea to have the whole box of Cheezits, as well as those that clamor for kale salad and chicken breast.

It started so innocently. I baked some gluten free pumpkin bread for my singing class. I didn't intend to eat it, but to give it away. But then my class was canceled and I had a serious carb (with chocolate!) on my hands. I had a few pieces and then decided it was wiser to throw it out than keep it. Good job, Christie, good job.

Then the next week I had done 10 hours of working out, and I needed to add a couple of hundred calories to my day - pizza. A week later, I had joked with my boyfriend about cheese fries and he showed up with them. None of these things derailed my results, so it was easy to treat them as isolated incidents, instead of a pattern. Looking back though, there was a result I hadn't taken into account - how I felt about what I was doing, and an erosion to my resolve and my choices. Pumpkin bread, pizza, and cheese fries became sandwiches, a cookie, and a scone. And soon, September ended and I was tossed into a two day conference in October. Have you been to one of these things? It's food allllll dayyyyy loooooooong. It's also a sit-fest and an expectation to be professionally "on" all day, up to 10 hours, and then still somehow make up for the phone calls and emails that have been missed afterwords. I found myself in a hotel, not all that far from home, but it might as well have been in Srilanka for as far away as I felt from the semblance of eating-and-exercising routine I had established. We were at breakfast at 7:30-8, in workshops from 8-5:30, and then had networking sessions. I wasn't obligated to be at the networking sessions, but with as many people as I'd been in small group exercises with, and as many people there from my company, it would have been rude not to go.

My first day at the workshop went like this:
7:30  Breakfast of fruit and bagel. I swear, that was the healthiest choice
10  Snack - the same foods as offered at breakfast plus a rack of chips
1  Lunch - I ate salad because it was the best choice, but there were no protein sources I felt comfortable with so I knew I would be hungry in the afternoon . . . damn.
3ish Snack - chips, veggies and dip, candy bars, ice cream offered. I had veggies and dip and Smartfood popcorn. I was really hungry from lunch. I stared down the candy bars . . . it was hard to walk away.
5:30 Our cocktail hour and networking session. Beer,well drinks, wine, sushi that I couldn't eat because it had mayo in it (you really don't want to know how much I hate mayonnaise. Trust me), fried spring rolls, fried cheese, cheese and crackers, veggies and dip, meat I couldn't make myself eat because I didn't know where it came from, and a whole mess of desserts. I had two beers, three pieces of cheese, veggies and dip, and one tiny fried spring roll. So, I knew I was still hungry.
7:30 I knew I was in trouble when I headed into my "make-up work" session. I grabbed an apple, a bottle of water, and headed for the lounge hoping to scoop some wifi and knock out some emails. What a mistake. It became social time as more and more people joined us, and while I loved it, after that day, it was hard not to have a couple more beers, snack on some calamari . . . oy.

Going into the second day, it got harder and harder to stare down the chips and candy bars, and I won some of the battles, but not all of them. And so I began to feel I was losing the war. That's the mentality I carried with me going into picking my friends and being in the mode to enjoy their visit and my time off. Do you see how a few pebbles can so easily become a landslide?

I feel like the J.K. Rowling quote becomes my life when I look at these patterns and what it will take to break them. "Constant Vigilance!"

So, I began calling myself out while my friends were here and mentioning why yes, I do very much want dessert, but I'm putting fruit on my fro yo. Or, I'm aiming for more vegetables today. Or, i really need to work some exercise in. Not perfect, but looking for that balance in enjoying myself and living life and also not going hog wild at the trough.

I hadn't really planned it this way, but when I made my appointment with the nutritionist I made it for 3 hours directly after leaving my friends (with lots of hugs, gratitude, and love) at the airport. It was kind of perfect. (it is moments like these that I really think things happen for a reason.

Several people commented, "After all of your self education about your medical conditions and carbs and food do you really think she can tel you anything you don't know?" I went in there with the attitude of, "For me to get better results, I have to consider that either I don't know everything or that I do know things but haven't been accountable to that knowledge." It was my plan to challenge this woman to give me my money's worth by helping me come up with some systems of accountability and some ways to really get the kind of results that are realistic but also keep me motivated. We worked very hard with a lot of information to plan what we felt was doable, what my body can handle without faking itself out, and what allows me to still live my life - a lifestyle that we had to frankly acknowledge does not make it easy for me to get big results.

I did hear a lot of things that were news to me, and I heard things that helped me or taught me something new. More on that in coming entries, but for now, a renewed sense of what I'm tackling, my goals, and a better map of how to walk that road.

Best of all, when she wanted to weigh me, we had a very hard discussion where I said, "I'm normally fine with stepping on the scale, but it's been a week of eating off of my plan and not exercising as much. I'm not sure I want to weigh today." she gently said, "We will have a much better idea of what is working if we can track the change on my scale each time you come in." Like the giant nerd that I am, I said, "I can get behind looking at the delta, not the number." As we walked over to the scale she said, "We're not going to marry this number, we're just going to meet it."I liked that. I'm not married to this number, I'm just using it for tracking purposes. I liked even better to find that I had only gained 2.5 pounds. I hate that I gained since my body is such a fighter when it comes to letting go of the weight, so I know mow much time it takes to take off 2.5 pounds. i like that my hard week doesn't mean I am a total failure or have completely backslid.

It's an important lesson to me - accountability is important, and something I continue to need to work towards, but life also happens and I need to know that not every week can be a perfect week. Better even than that, I need to plan that when things aren't perfect, I need to not let it continue to roll out of control. But, like many things, I can't see it clearly inside of it . . . what felt like certain doom to me, was actually 2.5 pounds and a roller-coaster week where what I saw was the cake, the waffles, the ravioli and risotto, the for yo, and the little tastes of chocolate. What I didn't account for was the best run of my life, a hike, a lot of "out-and-about" walking, and some choices that were amazing! I ate vegetables at the conference snack, not ice cream! I made sure we had three servings of vegetables at our dinner party!

So, I'm calling myself out for not logging my food last week, I'm calling myself out for not making time for myself at that conference, because really, 10 hours of work should've been enough so running and giving myself an hour was more than reasonable. I'm calling myself out for the things I ate that were just ridiculous. Not the ravioli. Not the risotto. But things like the fried spring roll and the candy bar. Just unnecessary. (Some of the other choices were good food, made in good ways, just food that happens to be a little carbier than is optimal on a regular basis. Fried food and processed candy, not so much.) But I'm also calling myself out for being so hard on myself that one error feels like the end, because that is likely where the crack in the foundation formed causing things to fall down a bit.

So, I'm back, and I'm ready to make the rest of this month be about what this should be about: accountability, and a goal to take care of myself, not to beat myself into the ground. Off to finish all of my doctor's appointments (I hope) for the rest of the year!

9 not-so-simple tricks

I had major IT issues today. And since the IT solution to everything always starts with downloading something and then restarting my computer, I did. After this giant problem (which plagued everyone at work, but hit me harder and in different ways because I am a remote worker and "off the system" ) I had to restart everything, and when my web browser opened, because it defaulted to MSN's home page, it opened up to a scroll of daily articles. One of them was titled, "9 quick tricks that cut calories." Of course I had to look.

It was an interesting read for me, not just in terms of getting good ideas, but in realizing that I already had a lot of this down or have adjusted to fit me better.read down and click on the individual slides. I had varying reactions when I read these from "oh, that's a good idea," to "yup, that works. I should do it more consistently" to "what?!"

1. Take note - logging food. People who logged their food were found to be able to lose twice as much as those who don't. This is because people often underestimate what they are actually putting in their mouths.

I do log my food. Sometimes I forget, but when I do it I am completely honest. Even if what I have to log is that I ate a bowl of popcorn for dinner. What works a treat about it is that when I log, I not only practice accountability and consider my serving sizes (which is the point), but I also end up doing some planning. Oh, I had Greek yogurt for breakfast so I should probably limit dairy for the rest of the day. Chicken for lunch, so I need to have eggs or fish for dinner. Three servings of veggies, at least 2-3 more! What doesn't work about this is that sometimes I get busy and forget to log my food. Right now I have an adorable little journal I carry around in my purse, and I'm getting better at it, but sometimes days slip by. This slide has inspired me to be more religious about it.

2. Find Balance - sometimes dieters get overwhelmed with counting calories, so this is suggesting that instead of counting every ounce and morsel people just try to balance their plates with 1/3rd vegetables, 1/3rd protein, and 1/3rd whole grains.

This sounds so good in theory. It can get time consuming to count calories, and for someone like me, absolute value of calories matters, but what matters almost as much is the source and quality of those calories. (Not all calories are created equal! 400 calories of protein and vegetables is not equivalent to 400 calories of beer) But, even 6 years ago we knew that grains needed a smaller place in the food pyramid. And now, we have something newer and more fine tuned that represents how many vegetables we really should be eating.So, I don't know about this 1/3rd of your plate in carbs thing.

More to the point, at least in my case, if I eat a third of my food in carbs, I will eat an amount of unneeded (and often unintended) calories equal to those carbs because those carbs will bump up my cravings and alter my blood sugar stability. In my world, carbs breed the need for more carbs. That's how over-zealous insulin works. So, the better plate for me is one where it's a smaller plate, and 2/3rds of it is covered with vegetables, some of them raw. And the rest with protein and maybe a smidge of dairy. Fruit about once a day.

3. Swap Smart - basically, the message here is that you can't deny yourself everything, but at the same time you can't have everything you want and still lose weight. So, if you want a treat, have a small one, but don't still have your sweet coffee drink, pretzels, or for yo too.

This I totally agree with . . . to a point. It can't be the case that people never eat a donut, cookie, or have a pumpkin latte again. That's not the real world. On the other hand, for me, having that cookie, even twice a week or so, will derail my results so much that it will demotivate me to the point of having that cookie every day, and then twice a day, and then in come the Cheezits and hello FRED! So, I need to not only give myself the cookie and then take something else away in its place, I need to pick and choose my moments to eat off plan VERY carefully, and keep those moments VERY isolated.

4. Scale Back - try cutting back on serving sizes by putting cereal in mug or dinner on a salad plate.

Duh. Serving sizes are one of the biggest problems we have created for ourselves. The next time you go to a restaurant, notice what they serve your entree on. It's the serving platter size in a dish set, not the dinner plate size! Having said all that, I do sometimes really blow it when it comes to serving sizes. See above - logging is good. Also, looking up some simple things about serving sizes can be helpful. When you read the calories, fat content, and protein per serving . . . pay attention to what the serving size listed there is! I've noticed it is so often smaller than what we normally serve up. How much is a serving of chicken or fish? About the size of a deck of cards. What IS 2 oz of shredded cheese? Get a scale. It's hard work, but worth retraining on this stuff. At least for me.

5. Slurp your starters - when eating out, have a broth based soup. It's filling and healthy and can help you eat less.

This works! Whenever I go for sushi, I get miso. Not only is it tasty, it is hot, simple, nutritious, and filling.

Other tips - I eat something fresh, raw, and high in fiber before going out. Apples! Broccoli! I go in filled up, and it keeps me from munching mindlessly on bread or chips and salsa.

Also, as much as possible, I look up menus before I go so I can go in with a game plan. And if I'm not getting a salad, I do try to ask for a box so I can split my meal into what I'm eating now and put away the part that is more than my serving size.

6. Slow down - try sipping water and even setting your fork down between bites. If the meal takes longer you are more likely not only to be more satisfied, but to know when you are full and not keep eating past your full point.

This works so well, except it's hard. I often have to eat in my car or very quickly before I get in my car. But even for eating small snacks, I do find that if I slow down, and eat mindfully, really paying attention to what I'm tasting, chewing it, and my other sensations, I enjoy my food more. And I eat less

7. Nosh often - eat smaller amounts more often throughout the day. This keeps your metabolism fueled all day as well as keeping you from being uber-hungry and then going overboard and eating too much in one sitting

This is a mainstay of EVERY sound eating plan. And there's a simple reason: eating makes your metabolism fires burn higher. Yes, that's right - eating makes you burn more calories. I know this sounds backwards, but every time you eat, it causes your endocrine system to fire up. The problem comes when I eat more than my metabolism can burn. But if I eat small amount, 4 - 6 times a day, it usually works out. And as a bonus, I'm never hungry or blood sugar crashing and I have more energy to work out, and more endorphins.

8. Pick Protein - protein is important for building lean muscle, which helps burn more calories. and it is also more filling so it should be part of every meal.

For me this is another no-brainer, but it also can be hard. I am the pickiest person in the known western world when it comes to knowing where my dead animal came from. It takes WORK for me to find chicken and meat and fish that I'm ok with, but it's valuable to do it if it means I can eat less carbs without feeling the loss so much. Plus, muscles are hot.

9. Beat Bloat - something about drinking water with lemon, and not eating too much broccoli.

I seriously don't know what this is about. I will not relinquish my broccoli.

So, the lesson here is that I'm doing quite a lot of what is recommended. As a result, my calories are fewer and my weight decreases as well. But it's probably worth paying attention to the places where I sometimes fall down on the job. I think it's also important to look at something else - whatever tips are here, there's also my explanation of making it work in my own life. Maybe there are places where I'm shorting myself results by messing around with the "formula" but there are probably just as many places where I made adjustments for the better. If I did nothing but apply a formula, I'd fail every time.

I know this because when I try to apply an equation to my eating and exercise without taking into account the variables, I fail. Every. Time. If I don't make it work within my real life, all it does is create an un-real life that I can't keep up with after a week or two.

So, simple tricks, but making them really work means factoring in how it works in my life. We'll see what the nutritionist says about this in a couple of weeks.

"Life is hard at 1500 calories a day."

"Life is hard at 1500 calories a day."

This one sentence changed my whole plan of how I have been tackling my eating, empty calories, and losing some weight over the last couple of months. And as you may have read I'm a girl who loves me some structure.

I have been on a plan that combines pre-packaged foods with meals that contain proteins and certain vegetables. This meant a drastic cut in calories for me (though, interestingly, because the "plan" foods were so high in protein, no cuts in protein). Now, part of that cut was that I wasn't being 100% honest with myself before about portion sizes, and oh yeah, there were those boxes of microwave popcorn.  But even on my best, most awesomely healthy eating days, I was always eating between 1800 and 2200 calories.

The vast reduction in calories wasn't what drew me to this plan though. I was inspired by two friends who had lost over 50 pounds with it. That was more than half of my goal loss amount! And they had done it in 6 months. What really drew me in was that this plan allowed me to eat some "real" food, but really helped to meter out food through the day in small amounts. It demanded that I eat 4-5 of the plan foods at 4-5 sittings, plus one or two small snacks, and one or two smallish-but-healthy meals. This meant I was eating, at a minimum 6 times a day, and on some days, more often. (Woo-hoo! More eating!)

This is something I've always known was important -  to eat smaller amounts but more times a day, especially for someone like me who has hypoglycemic tendencies. And despite that knowledge and education, I've always sucked like a Dyson at it. I have issues with time, and with cravings that become cyclical. I'm a busy person, busier than everyone I know  except maybe two exceptions. So, sitting down to eat is something of an event for me. It might be my only time for the next 4-6 hours to do something just for me, or to take a break from work, driving, errands, working out, and whatever else is on the list. I find that once I've made the time to eat, it makes logical sense in my mind to just take a few more minutes, make a bigger meal appear on my plate, and eat it. It's the same process that causes me to be at the gym for close to three hours on some Saturday mornings - I'm already there so why not run and swim and teach swimming all in one go of it??

As for cravings, well. (Yes, I know that was a fragment). I explained it to my doctor this way. I love fish. I love beans and lentils. I love vegetables and fruits (no cabbage please!). I love to eat healthy because I genuinely love those foods. So, I do a great job eating healthy choices . . . until I don't. And then my eating habits become an avalanche racing down the hill, burying my every attempt to insert some good choices and outpacing any shreds of willpower or self-esteem left standing on the side of the mountain. I have a friend who described this as "F.R.E.D. Frequent Ridiculous Eating and Disgust." And man, I never liked the name Fred.

So, this plan handed me a built in structure. I could pack three or four of these little packages of joy and protein in my purse, some water, plan a lunch and a dinner filled with chicken, fish, broccoli, kale, and other green wonders, and head off into my day with my food decisions made for me before I even put my shoes on.

And it worked! Sort of. Er, mostly. I knew right away this was going to be a different experience with different results for me than others. While others talked about adjusting after a few weeks and not feeling hungry anymore, that never quite happened for me. And I had some pretty bad blood sugar readings along the way. And despite fighting through all of that and working out more than I have in two years, I was losing only about half of what others on this plan lose per week. I should've known, right?

Yes, I should have. But see, one of the side-effects of FRED for me is that I lose faith in myself and my inner-hearing becomes really faulty. I start to doubt what my body is telling me because it becomes hard to distinguish the cries of, "I'm really hungry! Help!" from the inner sounds of, "Hello, little girl, would you like some candy?"There's a thing that happens in my head when I'm way off track where the volume is very loud on every food related thought. And once everything is so loud in my head, there is so much distortion that I can't distinguish the "pure" signals from the misleading ones. The inside of my head is banging with sounds loud enough for a heavy metal concert and inside it, I might hear that I'm hungry and also hear, "Hey, there's a grocery store three blocks away just full of ice cream, frozen pizza, popcorn and Cheezits!" The litmus test for which is psychological and which is biological is to question myself, and I learned long ago I was an unreliable witness.

So, my body told me things. It told me when I missed a workout with my trainer because of a migraine. It told me when I was tired all the time. It told me when after all of the sacrifices and feeling as hungry as I assume Kate Moss is all the time, I got weak results. It wrote me memos, stood up and waved it's arms in the middle of oncoming traffic, and finally gave up and appealed directly to my Endocrinologist. "Hey Doc, didja you get those labs? did you see the liver enzymes were a bit off? And the cortisol? And that A1C - that's what shows how stable the highs and lows of the blood sugar have been over time, right? Yeah, that used to be one of our best labs but that's been tanking lately. What can we do to convince her this isn't the right plan for us?"

Despite being very much a scientist at my core, I still fought the evidence, presenting my own case. "Well, maybe this is just how I lose weight! I never lost more than 5 pounds before since I've been in your office, so maybe this is just what it takes. It could be worth it in the end to lose weight and have those health benefits," I countered (out loud, not in my head!). When of course, what I really meant was, I'd endure being sick if it meant being thin. (Oh, how I wish I could report something more enlightened and empowered here)


She put her hand on mine and said, "Life is hard at 1500 calories a day. And that hardship isn't worth it if your body is going to fight every pound and be ill. Let's switch plans."

So, I'll see the nutritionist, and we'll come up with a new plan. I am trying with all of my everything to see this as a positive. I am working very hard to say, "Christie, this doesn't mean you should go off on vacation and eat chocolate every day. You've learned about your habits. You've learned about your triggers, and most of all, you've learned that planning and structure makes will power and good choices possible." But honestly, I fear having that many choices again. And I'll be traveling with some pre-planned snacks and my food journal by my side. Enough to ward off the monster FRED? Stay tuned.