When plans change

So, I knew this day was coming, I had just thought I would write about this another time. My job.

I work for the world's largest after-school education program. The business model is that most of the after-school centers are run by franchisees; so instructors who are also small-business owners. I work for the franchisor doing . . . well, a lot of different things. I do franchise development (training and guiding candidates who want to become instructors and franchisees), as well as supporting current instructors. This last means I do something different on each day. Sometimes I offer a professional development training (yes! public speaking!), sometimes I do one-on-one consultations to train a franchisee, I help set goals, go over results,  and sometimes I do observations of students. I give tests, arrange training opportunities for instructors, and help them get licensed. Most people in my position work in a "branch office" comprised of other Field Consultants like me, an admin, a branch manager, etc. They share responsibilities such as giving presentations, and have resources and support to get general office tasks done.

I do not.

About 3 years ago I took an experimental position in an area that belonged to a branch office but was remote from it by more than 500 miles. So . . . here I am. And it's just me. That means a few things. One, I do my own admin (financial reports, copying, appointments with vendors and repair people, stuff like that), and since my "office" is the small second bedroom in my house, I can't meet with instructors in the office as many other field consultants do. So, while many others in my position are on the road 2-3 days a week, I'm on the road 4-6 days a week.

Is this good for me? Hard to say. Sometimes, I really relish the time in my car. It's time that belongs to me. I can call people on the east coast and catch up, listen to really loud music, listen to a book on CD, and I have even been known to rehearse singing in the car when getting ready for a performance. On the other hand, I deal with traffic, having to carry the office on my back (not to mention often packing my meals, up to 64 oz of water, my gym bag, and anything else I'll need), and long hours almost every day. It's not unusual to find me eating dinner at 9pm or at the gym even later than that. God bless free on-demand and Hulu or or I'd never see the shows I'm hopelessly addicted to. (The company used to give a bonus for graduating from the training program for this job. I suggested that they should give consultants DVR. I wasn't kidding.)

So, you'd think that when an instructor calls me and says they have to cancel an appointment about 4 hours before the appointment, I'd say, "Wow. thanks for letting me know! We'll reschedule," while thinking to myself, Sweet! Day at home! Regular meals! Getting caught up on office work while in PJs! Woooooot!

But when I got that call today, I thought, Damn, I'm already showered. I'm already dressed. And now I'll have to reschedule and fit this appointment into an already packed schedule in a couple of weeks. Of course, what I said out loud was, "Oh, I totally understand. thanks for letting me know. Let me open my calendar so we can reschedule," because I'm not a total cretin about customer service. And because I know that I too have had to cancel things when there's been an emergency somewhere else at work, a flat tire, a flooded road, or something else I couldn't control or predict.

On the days that working from home really means being at home, I love it. I love having a real lunch, not some stuff I threw into a bag. I love starting a load of laundry while I'm waiting for something to finish copying. And I love, love, love working in my soccer shorts and old black t-shirt. So, why was I so anxious with this serendipitous schedule change?

The operative word here is the last one: change. Of all things I resist and dislike (cabbage, washing windows, shopping for dresses, having my time wasted) change is so, so difficult for me.

I am a type A+ which does not mean I'm a type A personality that is also a good student! It means I plan to the nth degree. About two months before a vacation, I can be found reading a guide book and looking up options online. I have a calendar on my smart phone, a dayplanner, and a white board calendar. I leave myself reminders to text and call people at times I said I would. I go swimming the same time every Saturday. This girl loves to plan.

If I dig deeper, I know what this is really about is control. I like to control things. I try not to have that spill over on other people like my friends, my voice coach, and my clients. I've gotten better and better at that but am admittedly not perfectly achieving that goal. But, for me and my life, I really think I should be able to plan everything. What I wear, which days I was h my hair, what I'm going to eat, when I'm going running, when I'll call my mom.

I have been actively seeking ways to let go of some of this craving for control. I trusted someone to tattoo me. I threw a party this year and invited more people than my house could handle knowing that it would work out as long as everyone had fun - and it did! People called up last minute saying they couldn't make it, and other people showed up who hadn't planned on being there and every seat was filled. It was an awesome night. And I took a singing class that challenged me to perform with my emotions, not controlling them . . . and even though it was the scariest thing I've ever done, I'm about to do it again!

I'd like to go skydiving. See how that frees me up from being the boss in charge of my little world.

So, why can't I be ok with a sumptuous day of soccer shorts and black tee-shirt, getting work done in the office? Well, part of it is logistical. I had already showered and gotten all gussied up for being professional out in the world. If I'm being honest though, more of it is that now I have to change my calendar, fight for a spot for this individual in my crazy September schedule, and roll with the punches.
I am a trained kick boxer, but rolling with the punches in my life fills me with more dread than getting actually punched in the face! Sometimes it helps to remind myself that my plan is not THE Plan. sometimes it helps to hand things over to the universe and to remember that the forces that are bigger than me are not just bigger than me, but are massive. (It's an entirely separate post as to why it's a little twitchy for me to just say the name, "God" here.) But there's also something just threaded into me that demands a plan!

It's so silly!

So, I took this 20 minutes, to breathe, get into a different mindset, and convince myself this is a good thing. Now I'll go re-align my calendars - ha!