"Life is hard at 1500 calories a day."
This one sentence changed my whole plan of how I have been tackling my eating, empty calories, and losing some weight over the last couple of months. And as you may have read I'm a girl who loves me some structure.
I have been on a plan that combines pre-packaged foods with meals that contain proteins and certain vegetables. This meant a drastic cut in calories for me (though, interestingly, because the "plan" foods were so high in protein, no cuts in protein). Now, part of that cut was that I wasn't being 100% honest with myself before about portion sizes, and oh yeah, there were those boxes of microwave popcorn. But even on my best, most awesomely healthy eating days, I was always eating between 1800 and 2200 calories.
The vast reduction in calories wasn't what drew me to this plan though. I was inspired by two friends who had lost over 50 pounds with it. That was more than half of my goal loss amount! And they had done it in 6 months. What really drew me in was that this plan allowed me to eat some "real" food, but really helped to meter out food through the day in small amounts. It demanded that I eat 4-5 of the plan foods at 4-5 sittings, plus one or two small snacks, and one or two smallish-but-healthy meals. This meant I was eating, at a minimum 6 times a day, and on some days, more often. (Woo-hoo! More eating!)
This is something I've always known was important - to eat smaller amounts but more times a day, especially for someone like me who has hypoglycemic tendencies. And despite that knowledge and education, I've always sucked like a Dyson at it. I have issues with time, and with cravings that become cyclical. I'm a busy person, busier than everyone I know except maybe two exceptions. So, sitting down to eat is something of an event for me. It might be my only time for the next 4-6 hours to do something just for me, or to take a break from work, driving, errands, working out, and whatever else is on the list. I find that once I've made the time to eat, it makes logical sense in my mind to just take a few more minutes, make a bigger meal appear on my plate, and eat it. It's the same process that causes me to be at the gym for close to three hours on some Saturday mornings - I'm already there so why not run and swim and teach swimming all in one go of it??
As for cravings, well. (Yes, I know that was a fragment). I explained it to my doctor this way. I love fish. I love beans and lentils. I love vegetables and fruits (no cabbage please!). I love to eat healthy because I genuinely love those foods. So, I do a great job eating healthy choices . . . until I don't. And then my eating habits become an avalanche racing down the hill, burying my every attempt to insert some good choices and outpacing any shreds of willpower or self-esteem left standing on the side of the mountain. I have a friend who described this as "F.R.E.D. Frequent Ridiculous Eating and Disgust." And man, I never liked the name Fred.
So, this plan handed me a built in structure. I could pack three or four of these little packages of joy and protein in my purse, some water, plan a lunch and a dinner filled with chicken, fish, broccoli, kale, and other green wonders, and head off into my day with my food decisions made for me before I even put my shoes on.
And it worked! Sort of. Er, mostly. I knew right away this was going to be a different experience with different results for me than others. While others talked about adjusting after a few weeks and not feeling hungry anymore, that never quite happened for me. And I had some pretty bad blood sugar readings along the way. And despite fighting through all of that and working out more than I have in two years, I was losing only about half of what others on this plan lose per week. I should've known, right?
Yes, I should have. But see, one of the side-effects of FRED for me is that I lose faith in myself and my inner-hearing becomes really faulty. I start to doubt what my body is telling me because it becomes hard to distinguish the cries of, "I'm really hungry! Help!" from the inner sounds of, "Hello, little girl, would you like some candy?"There's a thing that happens in my head when I'm way off track where the volume is very loud on every food related thought. And once everything is so loud in my head, there is so much distortion that I can't distinguish the "pure" signals from the misleading ones. The inside of my head is banging with sounds loud enough for a heavy metal concert and inside it, I might hear that I'm hungry and also hear, "Hey, there's a grocery store three blocks away just full of ice cream, frozen pizza, popcorn and Cheezits!" The litmus test for which is psychological and which is biological is to question myself, and I learned long ago I was an unreliable witness.
So, my body told me things. It told me when I missed a workout with my trainer because of a migraine. It told me when I was tired all the time. It told me when after all of the sacrifices and feeling as hungry as I assume Kate Moss is all the time, I got weak results. It wrote me memos, stood up and waved it's arms in the middle of oncoming traffic, and finally gave up and appealed directly to my Endocrinologist. "Hey Doc, didja you get those labs? did you see the liver enzymes were a bit off? And the cortisol? And that A1C - that's what shows how stable the highs and lows of the blood sugar have been over time, right? Yeah, that used to be one of our best labs but that's been tanking lately. What can we do to convince her this isn't the right plan for us?"
Despite being very much a scientist at my core, I still fought the evidence, presenting my own case. "Well, maybe this is just how I lose weight! I never lost more than 5 pounds before since I've been in your office, so maybe this is just what it takes. It could be worth it in the end to lose weight and have those health benefits," I countered (out loud, not in my head!). When of course, what I really meant was, I'd endure being sick if it meant being thin. (Oh, how I wish I could report something more enlightened and empowered here)
She put her hand on mine and said, "Life is hard at 1500 calories a day. And that hardship isn't worth it if your body is going to fight every pound and be ill. Let's switch plans."
So, I'll see the nutritionist, and we'll come up with a new plan. I am trying with all of my everything to see this as a positive. I am working very hard to say, "Christie, this doesn't mean you should go off on vacation and eat chocolate every day. You've learned about your habits. You've learned about your triggers, and most of all, you've learned that planning and structure makes will power and good choices possible." But honestly, I fear having that many choices again. And I'll be traveling with some pre-planned snacks and my food journal by my side. Enough to ward off the monster FRED? Stay tuned.
That stinks! You're working so hard! I'm curious what the new plan will be.
ReplyDeleteI was on a 1200 calorie a day plan right before and after my wedding, and I was a miserable, food police-type in a lot of ways. Yes, I loss a lot of weight, but I was starving, my skin looked horrible and I had IBS! Someone said to me, "it sounds like you're not eating enough calories". I rolled my eyes. It went right over my head. (Besides, a lot of it had to do with the crap I was eating, not the calories.)
I have real mixed feelings about it, though, because I loved that body I was in. I could never say to anyone "don't count calories; don't diet", because the bottom line is calories in/ calories out - always. It's finding that right combination, healthwise, to make it sustainable and livable is the trick. And that's what all those diets are trying to sell, the trick. Diets don't work for many people because we are not clones. Medically, that diet doesn't know you.
For people who struggle with FRED (like myself) understanding the fact that some foods will never satisfy, understanding that counting calories is a way to create new habits and knowing what you're eating (aka mindfulness) and understanding how emotions play into eating is helpful, useful. However, counting calories has one big downfall, it puts the emphasis on the external (the journal, the calories) as opposed to the internal (how do I feel, is this really what will satisfy me, is this really what my body needs). Don't drop it though; the other stuff will come with time. That conversation that you keep having with yourself is essentially adding that mindful piece to your diet.
The reality is what works statistically, scientifically is "food rules" - plan and structure (i.e. I can not have cheezits, frozen pizza, ice cream and popcorn in my house right now), not "willpower" (i.e. I will sit in front of this bowl of cheezits and only have a handful).
And then one day you'll have a a bowl of cheezits in your new, fabulous body and reminisce about the days that you couldn't live without it.
Fight the power, girl. Hang in there!
Ahhh FRED our mutual enemy.
ReplyDeleteI had mixed feelings about this diet, plan, whatever from the start. I had a deep desire to believe it would work for me like it had for my friends - not just in terms of big results, but in terms of my body adjusting. Everyone else reported, "I am full all the time because I'm eating all the time!" I knew nothing would be easy but I wanted this to be a do-able bridge into feeling full nutritionally and therefore being able to separate out when I was hungry from when FRED was barging in.
I like you how you said that - that diet doesn't know me. But, I'll tell you what, I still learned from it. I learned that when I was tempted to go off plan and when I succumbed to temptation, it was almost always for reasons other than hunger. I learned that if i plan my food (allowing for a few contingencies) and have food rules and limited shopping, I can simulate willpower. (Like you said, if there's a rule and I'm committed then I hold the line. Once the stuff is in front of me, pretending I'll be moderate, well the idea makes me laugh.)
I think what I need to talk to the nutritionist about is how to create that structure, how to create means to relax the structure without having a complete epic fail in my relationship with FRED and how to do both things that you mentioned. One, to figure out how to feel the real signals. But, at the same time, I know I need external accountability too.
Thanks for the encouragement. I miss you!