How would your friends describe you?

It's no secret that I am busily interviewing around and trying to close myself a job offer.

Interviews are interesting places for someone like me. I typically present pretty well since I am an ENFJ. I have some typical ENFJ strengths such as being a communicator, and strong verbally. I come across as being very self-aware (and I think it's not just an act, most of the time), intuitive and empathetic, friendly, and gregarious. This bodes well in an interview, especially since at this point I'm seeking only jobs where I would be impacting people.

I've heard recently that employers are asking people strange questions just to see how they deal with curve balls. Well, if my interview involved being on an actual baseball field and hitting a ball, no way, but I'd like to think I handle those questions ok. I've been asked what my greatest accomplishment was, if I've ever inspired anyone, what the most courageous thing I've done at work is. None of that seems too out of bounds. I have a friend who was asked, recently, "Do you believe in UFOs?" So, I've been gearing up for weirder questions just in case.

The question that has stuck with me afterwords the longest was, "How would your friends describe you." I have been asked a version of this question a couple of times now. And, of course, I start listing things that I think are true of me but also things that have a positive spin on them.

In my most recent interview, the conversation was so open and un-contrived, I felt free to give a deeper picture. I said, "I think my friends would tell you that I'm loyal, talkative, gregarious, and friendly. I tend to be outgoing, and to get along with different people well. I think my friends would also tell you I'm fairly determined and structured, and that there are good and less good things about this. I'm definitely the planner of the group - I'm likely to be the person who finds something for us to do, sends out the email, sends out the address, makes the requests for who is bringing what to the potluck and keeps track of all of that. I think my really good friends would tell you I'm not a surface person and that I listen carefully and am pretty thoughtful and considerate and often generous. My friends often tell me I'm funny and quirky but I don't always experience that from the inside as much as they see it on the outside. I also think my closest friends would tell you there is very little I do lightly. That I take myself very seriously and am very careful and analytical when I'm thinking something over or making a decision."

I think most of those things are fairly true. If you asked my closest girl friend and best friend from grad school, she would tell you that my need for structure and inflexibility was legendary, but that I would never have not been there for a friend who needed me, including her. If you asked one of my most interesting friends, and my best friend from college, he would tell you that I sometimes was a pain in the ass, but that he knew it came from good intentions, and that even when we struggled with each other, I was unwilling to give up on our friendship because of my determination and loyalty. He would also say that my tendency to be driven and focus on things too tightly was sometimes detrimental to my relationships and to my inclination to not just beat myself up, but to flog myself. If you asked my closest friend from . . . ever he would tell you, well, everything! That is the deal when you know someone for 32 years. He's known me as long as one of my siblings has, and longer than two of my siblings, and our deal is to tease each other with all the stories we have of each other's past.

What would he say? I think he'd say that I am determined, and deeply committed to doing the right thing, not just by a process or job, but by the people in it. And that when I love, I love fully. I suspect he'd also say that I'm generous and loving, but also sometimes mislead by those tendencies. And his husband? Well, I think he'd tell you that I often overthink things, but that I work to put those thoughts together in the right package blending humor, analysis, and human needs. I also think he'd tell you that I'm very, very honest and sometimes more independent than is good for anyone but that I wear my heart on my sleeve and whatever I have is something I'm willing to give. My guess is that if anyone were to use the world moral to describe me, it'd be him. Although I have NOT known him for 32 years, we have a lot in common, and most of the things he would say about me are things I would say about him. There is a reason he has become another best friend (not just husband-of) in my life.

I asked a couple of my friends and this is what I got back:

Loyal - actually all of them said this. So, I guess this is true of me. I don't guess, I know. I stick with people, sometimes to a fault. In fact, I wrote a post about this.

Loving - you know, this is true of me but sometimes I wish it were more true. I want to see, recognize, accept, and offer more love. It is a value of mine so when I sink into being judgmental, or insulated, I really feel I have failed in this

Generous - this is also a value of mine. It matters to me to be giving of my time, attention, and concern. It matters to me to treat people with that open spirit, and it matters to me to be giving in more tangible ways. It was nice that some of my friends said this.

Driven - I am. There is no doubt. and there is an appealing side to this, and a less appealing side to this. Sometimes I persist in ways that are really destructive and even annoying, or present my enthusiasm and above-and-beyond-ness as being pretty intense or pushy.

Tenacious - I've written about this. I'm not a "nice" girl. Which is to say, I am a caring person (see generous and loving above) but I'm not one who will sit back and let things roll by me without comment. I speak up, and I have a strong personality. It's not for everyone, and I know that. But it is also what allows me to be strong and do challenging things. Tenacious is also, I think, about the fact that I'm tough. There's a hard outer coating. It's not a facade, and it's also not obvious to everyone that I'm armored, but I am because sometimes I need to push through things, and often, I've had to do it too much on my own.

Dogged- yup. I was glad one of my friends put a pure negative out there. I am. I get stuck in my patterns and ruts and expectations, and if I'm too focused, I will stay on that even if it isn't good for me or the people around me.

Dedicated - this is the flip side of being sometimes dogged. I'm determined. In my work, this means it matters to me to GET IT RIGHT. In school this meant I was more than willing to put extra work in on things that weren't my forte. And in my personal life, this means I don't let go and work very hard to do what needs to be done to be there for my peeps. It also means I accept a high level of responsibility and demand of myself a high level of accountability. This sometimes looks and feels very intense from the outside, I've learned in the last 6 years or so.

Planner - what a shocker to hear this! This is a very nice way to say I'm a freak about structure and organization. People benefit from it, to be sure, when I organize my choir or help a friend make lists and plans or pack and move, but it doesn't make anyone's heart sing as much as it does mine! And it also has high potential to rub people the wrong way. The liability to this is I sometimes get too attached to my plans. I've had a lot of growth in that in the last 5 years, but it is still true that it can take me a beat to release a plan and be appropriately flexible.

Knowledgeable - my good friend here in Colorado said she thinks this is why I can get along with so many different people, from different perspectives and walks of life. I think there's some truth to this. I was talking to someone else in my personal sphere last night and said, "I'm a voracious learner. Not always a fast learner, but an avid one." I truly want to understand what I'm hearing or seeing and I have a bit of weird brain in that I carry a LOT of that with me and it gets blurted out in conversation. I know all kinds of nerdy, nerdy things and often cringe as I hear myself saying, "Well, I read a book that said . . . " Ugh. I'm still that girl from high school some days.

What I started thinking about though is, What would my siblings say about me? (Mua hah hah hah) They know me too, and let me tell you, unlike my friends they would NOT hold back in mentioning the difficult things about me.

I think my brothers would have a lot to say about me being too structured. At least one of them would flat out say that means I am bossy and demanding. There is real truth to this. It was more true when I was younger and the oldest child. Now that we're all adults I try to make decisions and plans collaboratively. But sometimes, in dire moments, I will just tell people what to do. I had an interesting conversation with my aunt who is the oldest of six kids (oy!). She was helping me and her daughters make some plans and laid it all out in a well planned email, with time lines, addresses, etc (sound familiar?). She was laughing at herself and referring to herself as "Das Commander." (Umm, lol, by the way) and I said, "But who else was going to make that happen?" The thing is, sometimes someone needs to be bossy to get things done. And when that's what's needed . . . I fill that role. The trick is to recognize when that is NOT needed! I have put a fair amount of work into that in the last decade.

My youngest bro would tell you that I sometimes have ridiculous reactions to things. This is due in part to the fact that sometimes what I think or feel is not something he can fathom as a man living a very different life than me. But sometimes it is because I've over-reacted! He would also tell you that when I over-react to things it's because I really care; it's not an act. He would maybe not use the words my friends used, but probably express that my love is generous and unyielding. I think he also knows me as being loyal and caring. About a year ago I spent a couple of nights listening to him deeply, and as we walked away from our beers he said, "You know. I don't tel you enough. But you are a really awesome big sister. It's good to have you on my side." I love him fiercely, so I was glad that he felt it.

Of all of my family, I think he is the one most likely to work to give you a clear and balanced picture of me. We have talked really openly about how we both tend to be hard on people, and to thrive with a level of structure that isn't comfortable for most. We've talked about the liabilities and benefits to being driven, intense people. He is also very likely to find some combination of words to express that he thinks I am tough or brave in some way, and that I work hard to not be anybody's victim, but that I also sometimes play things safer or aim lower than I should. He's not wrong. He is also the person in my life that is most likely to say, "Well, you knew that wasn't good." He knows me on that level because we are both really uncomfortably honest people at times.

My middle brother is very mysterious to me . . . so I suspect that means I am puzzling to him too. We are very different people, and very different personalities. I think we often don't make a lot of sense to each other. He would have a lot to say about me assuming the in-charge role too much, but also about my being analytical, well-read, and interested in information and philosophy. Unfortunately, I think he experiences my different perspective, my working brain, and my love for structure as me judging him. Sometimes I think that's about how things look from where he sits, and sometimes I think that is about what I put out. The truth has to lie somewhere in between, and I have to accept my share of that responsibility.

I think my sister would tell you I am quirky and funny and loving, but also that I overthink things, and that my standards are too high for anyone. Me, her, anyone. I think, based on her comments, she experiences me as being very cerebral and principled and that she is often not sure how that fits with my caring, considerate side. I do think she feels like I am good to others, but not to myself, and that I am not as open with feelings as I could be. I think she feels and experiences that tough outer shell more than other people do. A lot of people don't see it - they view me as being open and friendly and talkative and gregarious. And I AM. But I'm also, as  I've mentioned, reluctant to let everyone all the way in. I pick and choose my people and moments and situations for that. And where others might mention this as me being tough and resilient, I think she feels it as me being somehow really, really hard to be close with. Maybe not as hard as some of our family, but harder than she wishes. And I am hard. I make people work for it - I don't do it manipulatively, but it is a definite pattern in my life. I think she sometimes finds my nerdy, verbal, tough outer shell a little intimidating or intense. I think she also appreciates that I am someone who likes to get shit done, and since we both grew up as the oldest (she in her house, and me in mine) I think we see what each other is like in this regard - and that sometimes someone has to take the lead.

It's interesting to think about how people know me, and if I have any grasp at all on how I look from the outside. I like to flatter myself and think that I do but it makes me wonder if employers called up three of my friends randomly, and one of my siblings, what would they hear? And what would that make them think of me? I also, of course, wonder what my references will say about me. I asked my therapist once what he thinks about me as a functioning person in the world, and he named self-awareness and analysis as some of the things that have seen me through, so hopefully I'm not way off base . . . geez it would be bad to hold myself out in some way, get a job, and then find their interpretation of me as a fit was wrong on all sides. I am blessed to have had enough time and healing from my last job that I've arrived at a policy of integrity in this job search, and of presenting myself well, but with careful honesty. Fingers crossed that it will see me into the right job - you know, one I can delight in being LOYAL to.

loyalty

I should call this post "to the bitter end," because that is too often the consequence of my brand of loyatly.

I have mentioned before that I am loyal to a fault, and sometimes to my own detriment. When I think about it, I'm not exactly sure where the kind of fierce loyalty I practice comes from. I don't have memories of some childhood lesson learned, or of this being presented as a value in the home I grew up in in words or deeds. If anything, I saw some pretty strong examples of reasons why sticking to someone or something can be more difficult than it's worth. Nevertheless, here I sit as one of the most determinedly steadfast people I know. I stick by people even when it makes no sense. I stick by people who have hurt me, or done things I don't condone. I have stuck by people and my caring for them even as they go to jail or make horrible mistakes they cannot take back. I have stuck by friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, and family when they have not earned it I have stuck by jobs even when I am frustrated or not making enough. I do this, and meanwhile do a killer job at whatever it is even when I think I deserve better. On a near daily basis I support policies that I disagree with out of loyalty and professionalism. I stuck it out in school even when my adviser abused me and stole from me, and when I realized that she had treated other students just as badly if not worse. Moreover, I finished my master's in her lab and thus ran her lab and advised her students for her.

Once I'm in, I'm all in.

I was talking with a good friend recently and he said, "I'm totally committed. You'd think it was a good thing but it's not." And I know just exactly how that feels.

I gain so much from this. I have gained the ability to forgive and move on (though it takes me awhile). I have kept friends I would have lost if I was faster to close the door. I have the ability to not give up on someone where other people would walk out and not look back.I assume my children will one day benefit from the deep value I have to commit.

If I had to guess, I would say this latching on and not giving up is about a few things. First, I am bad at giving up. I don't quit. I don't give in. I had a client a few years ago who made it her mission to make things very hard on the company, and since I was the representative of the company, her evil quest was directed at me. I remember saying to my bosses boss when she had made her most recent war volley that, "She picked the wrong person if she thinks this means I will give up. Because I will just dig my heels in harder." It took me forever to leave grad school, even though I had every reason to.  (and I didn't exactly quit so much as I left at an appropriate juncture) It took me an extra year to get my black belt, and I just kept at it. I grew up with the message in my ear that math wasn't my thing. So, of course, after picking the one college where taking a math class wasn't required (no grades, tests, pre-set majors or required courses at Hampshire College) I "minored" in math. I don't give up.

The other issue is that I see what is good in almost everyone I meet, even people who really friggen annoy me. I see the good in the person who bags my groceries with tomatoes on the bottom of the bag. And I have a nice conversation with him. I see the good in the cop who pulls me over out of boredom (and says, "you were almost going over the speed limit."). I see the good in the family member who abandons me and my affection. I look for the better side hiding underneath the good in the friend who gave me a hard time. I see the good in the boyfriend who was pathologically not there for me and expected me to give, and give, and give. (When he left me in the town I had moved to for his benefit days after my father had died claiming somehow that that loss was more about his unresolved family feelings than mine, I stopped seeing the good . . . six months later. We don't refer to him by his given name anymore.)

It's hard for me to close the door on anything I have invested in - a job, a friendship, a degree, a person I love. For me, I call this the "used car problem." See, I've only ever owned used cars. and some of them were more used than others. When you get a great deal on a used car, you have to also plan that some of the money you saved will go into keeping the car alive. I'm also pretty on top of regular maintenance. So, at some point, I would look at each car and think, "How much more money will I put into you?" On my last car before this one, I replaced the battery, hoses, two tires, brakes and two drums,  an important component of the electrical system, and water pump. That added up to more than I had paid for it in the first place. Of course, it didn't happen all at once. I invested a little bit at a time over 5 years. Somewhere in the third year I had the thought, "Do I really want to put this work into the car?" But then thought, "well, I've invested tires and brakes already, so I might as well pay the $300 for this repair."

It happens a little at a time, and it totally is the good money-after-bad issue. Only, with people, it's hard to see when the money turns bad. Well, for me anyways. If I don't give up on things, it seems just plain wrong to walk away from people.

The problem, of course, comes when people like my friend and I throw our lot in for the long haul and then get taken for everything we're worth. It's easy for someone who doesn't intend to be manipulative to take advantage of the capacity for commitment, and the large amount of loyalty. For someone who is needy, demanding, or a "taker" it's even easier. And let's just say that I have had my arm twisted professionally in the past.

When I allow this to happen, sometimes I get to keep someone or something in my life that deserves my investment, and sometimes I end up having to file a restraining order (true story). I am getting better at finding better used cars to begin with. My standards are going up. But my investments go up too.

I am working really hard these days to examine all my loyalties and see which ones best serve me. I am investigating deep, deep down to think if the people, places, jobs, and activities I put so much of myself into to see if I get enough out of it. I have found myself recently saying at work, "well, there's only one of me so I had to _____." I need to think this way more often.

There's only one of me. And I only get one today. One life. One heart. I need to . . . if not protect it,  at least be very choosey. Otherwise I could give too much of myself to things that don't work for me. I feel really sad when I think about the time I gave away in my 20's to things that didn't get me where I want to be. I know where I want to be now, so I am looking very carefully.