walking in the mornings

Remember this post where I talked about all the walking I did in Seattle? Well, it wasn't something I was ready to give up, so I have been fighting to find time to walk a few mornings a week. Last week, on my one day in Colorado between Seattle and Utah, this meant getting up at 5:30am in the rain. On Thursday, I got to the airport early so that in addition to walking through security and to my gate, I had time to walk the entire terminal (with all my shit on my back! Sherpa!) so that I was walking continuously for 30 minutes before my flight. On Saturday it meant hopping into some sneakers and walking for a quick 30 minutes before my hair appointment, and then being OK with not washing my hair and wearing a baseball cap. This morning, I had this awesome plan. Since I have to pick up a rental car today (company policy about mileage vs. rentals given driving a certain distance in one day), and since I have learned that the only way to have good rental selection is to be there between 7:15 and 8:15am I had to be up early anyways (which is always super awesome, because rental car days are the days I drive longer distances and work even later. Sigh) I thought I'd get 30-45 minutes of walking in first thing.and the rental place is near the creek path I used to live on, so I parked in a visitor spot and then . . . realized that there's been tons of construction going on over there and I kind of had to off-road it and hoof it up a hill to GET to the path. So worth it though.

I am trying really hard to walk for 30-45 minutes three times a week as well as going to at least one Bar Method class a week in addition to my assigned cardio and resistance workouts and my 1-2 hours of swimming each week. For most of my friends, they can lose or maintain weight and gain muscle by working out three days a week for an hour or an hour and a half, maybe actually sweating 4-5 hours a week.If I do my assigned 5 hours a week (which is not assigned as time as much as it is assigned as tasks. "Do this resistance workout," or "your cardio is to run X amount"), it's not enough

What I'm finding out is that if I do just what my trainer gives me, it adds up to 5-6 hours a week, and then with the swimming, I'm up around 7-8 hours. But my body is different. I take steroids as part of my "maintenance" program for asthma (year round, 365 days . . . not when I'm sick), and this conspires with my hypoglycemia and other endocrine issues and the damaging effects of stress and cortisol on weight and before you know it, I'm killing myself to lose .5 pounds each week. It's just not satisfying to give up everything, and fight back the food cravings and addictive tendencies, and work out 5-6 hours a week with the best possible result being half a pound loss. And then, of course, it starts eating away at me on the inside and I don't want to try so hard. I want to say, "Screw it! Why shouldn't I have pizza?"

My sister and I were talking at some point in the last year about how hard I have to work to be this fat (my word, not hers!) but not get fatter and I said, "If I wasn't willing to work this hard, I would be the 400 pound woman that has to be cut out of her house." It sounds like an exaggeration, but I think there's real truth to it. I work really hard to be one of the heaviest people I know, and that gets emotionally hard to maintain. So, I'm tacking some extras on.

Now, of course I also know people who train waaaaa-hhaaay harder than me. I have one brother who completes triathalons and does yoga like a pro, and another who runs 15-30 miles a week, goes to jujitsu 2-5 times a week, as well as lifting. They do hours and hours of training each day. They also have like 4% body fat, and that is not my goal. Not only would that be unrealistic for me, it's not what I want. I want to feel I can build a lifestyle of "eating right" (which of course means discovering what that is for me, since it is different for everyone) and enjoying exercise, maintain a healthy weight to within 5 pounds of that goal point, and still be able to be social when friends are going out. I want to shop more easily. I want to look good in jeans. I want to like myself more, not be model-skinny.

So, I got up and walked. Everyone else, I'm sure, wonders why I didn't just get up and run, and get that out of the way. Well, for one, then I would run this morning, think, "Oh good, that's done," and then not do extra. It would then be my cardio assignment from my trainer, not my challenge to myself to do more. The bigger issue is that I can wake up early drink some water, eat a yogurt and go walking. I cannnot do the same with running. Running burns more calories than walking does and as a hypoglycemic, I wake up "in the hole" with my blood sugar. If I eat, and then run within the hour, I'm often not only deeper in hypoglycemic debt, I'm sick from it, making it take longer for me to eat, drink, and rest enough to feel like a human being again.

I can do it, but it takes an enormous amount of planning, and getting up even earlier. I did it in Utah, in fact, on Friday. I knew we had a day of meetings and travel planned, and that if I was going to get one of my assigned runs or resistance workouts in, I'd have to do it before I met my supervisor for breakfast. But this meant that I had to have a breakfast before that breakfast with him (protein shake, lots of water, apple, 4 crackers) and time to digest it so that there was enough raw goods for my body to work with. I got up at 4:30. It was appalling.

The other issue with getting my "real" cardio out of the way in the mornings is that the normal foot cramps I get at any time I'm running are intensified in the mornings to the point of make me want to lay down and die. I think this may be because I'm not as well hydrated in the morning after a night of sleep than I am in the evening after a day of drinking 100 oz of water. Whatever the case, I was limping for the rest of the morning on Friday, and I know I was that crazy person talking to herself on the treadmill. I was mumbling something like, "You don't have to like it, just have to do it. Finish strong. Doesn't have to be fast, just don't be last. Picture the zombie. Run from the zombie. " It was not a pretty sight, and honestly, not one of my better runs. (Not that any of them are awesome, but some are better than others.) I get those foot cramps walking in the morning too, but not nearly as badly!

Finally, I hates running. I hates it, precious! I like walking. I like seeing how beautiful Colorado is at sunrise. I like de-stressing and getting my head on straight before I have to interact with people, do my job, or make any hard decisions. So, for now, I'm trying for 60-90 minutes of walking in addition to my "assignments" plus swimming, and one class a week if I can swing it.

Pros, so far:

• I've been feeling more motivated about exercise, in general. Like almost to a "exercise is fun!" kinda place. I'm going to try really hard not to become too much like an aerobics, "Ok, everyone, let's turn it up!" kinda girl.
• Being able to take home some of the good-Christie feelings from Seattle has worked so far
• There isn't less stress in my life, certainly. This is my busiest month at work, I'm starting up with my incredibly scary-but-in-a-good-way singing class again, and obviously dealing with some relationship sadness and quandries. But I feel less strung out
• When I woke up this morning, I had this glimpse of myself in the mirror and thought, sleepily, "Thin." Full disclosure, it was 5:50 am, I had no glasses on, and surely it was some kind of visual illusion born of tiredness and the flattering exercise pants I wear but having that thought about myself, even for a sleepy moment, was pretty cool.

Cons, so far

• I suck at getting up early and doing things with that time. I know I will mess up this schedule at some point and have to fight not to turn that into a slippery slope
• I am missing sleep - about 60-90 minutes of it every time I work a walk or a Bar Method class in. Right now I'm not more tired though, I'm actually more energetic. So, right now I'm just missing the comfort and cozy of sleep. I love to sleep.
• I am getting fidgety when sitting at work. I was having a hard time at all of the sit-down meetings and lunches I was in in Utah. Sitting still for too long has become un-fun for me. In the long run, wanting to be more active and less sedentary is a good thing, but right now it's a little annoying and distracting for me when I'm trying to focus.
  

 So, it's not a case of which one is better for me; walking or running? They are both good for me in different ways and for now, at least, this is the best way to work them both in.

In other news, I think I am going to try an start posting milestones such as changes in measurements, clothes in different sizes, resolve to walk away from cravings, weight lost, and other good changes in my life. Just have to figure out how to format the blog to do that.

Not in Kansas!

"Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore."

I've never been to Kansas, which is a riot since I lived and breathed this movie when I was little. (Sidenote: have you all heard that a remake of the Wizard of Oz is in the works? I'm not sure I'll be able to bring myself to watch it) But I think I know a bit of the feeling of being displaced - lions, tigers, bears, oh my, some witches, people you didn't expect, and different rules and expectations. Whenever I go somewhere new I like to notice what is different and what is the same. I also notice that when I am on vacation, to a familiar or new place, different rules apply.

I'm sure I'm not alone in this. We all do different things when we're on vacation than we do at home. We might eat different foods or try new ones for the first time, agree to go zip-lining or segue-ing, or even see a movie, band, symphony, opera or performance that hadn't previously been on our list. I've done a lot of things on vacations that are not my norm. In past vacations I've gone to baseball games (and loved it!), taken ferries, eaten poi, learned to snorkel, rented a vehicle for the sole purpose of driving wherever the mood took us, done a Turkey Trot, taken a Duck tour (don't sneer, it is awesomely hilarious), gambled $100, seen a performance that was part dinner theater and part cirque-de-solei type circus, gotten a massage, bought indulgent shoes and helped build a fire pit.

This vacation was no different. I did things I don't normally do such as wearing a baseball cap to the store to expedite getting out of the house, sitting on the porch in pajamas, ordering an avocado margarita, playing pool, eating at a decadent restaurant, hanging out with cats, and losing weight without thinking about it. What was that last one you say? No, you didn't misread it. I lost weight without trying. Moreover, I did it while yummily imbibing things like homemade ice cream sandwiches, homemade fried chicken fingers, burgers, raspberry chocolate mousse cake-lets, risotto (mmmmmmmm, risotto), chocolate covered cherries, beer and enchiladas.

I can't yet prove that I've lost weight since I am still en route to home, but I won't be surprised if once I get there the scale reports a loss of 2-5lbs. My guess is that it's right in between there because I can see that my face is thinner, my shoes are looser (I really am not sure why my body insists on losing weight in my face, feet, and fingers first but that's how it happens!), and shorts that were just a tiny bit tight before are now loose. I've had to bring my belt in one notch (two in the mornings before the metric crazy ton of water I guzzle between waking and 11am). And I've started to have an issue with . . . well, let's just say I've decided to make wearing nice underwear a priority for the next little while.

This is weird, right? Most people would expect to gain weight if they were "vacation-eating." Well, maybe not so. Certainly, if you go on a cruise (have you ever been? I know cruises are changing now, but wen I went it felt like it was our  job to eat) that might be the case. But the way I vacation, I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I love, love, LOVE vacation. I often am visiting people I know and not even doing or seeing anything new but my natural vacation-persona is to be ACTIVE. I don't go on vacation and run marathons (or even 5ks, though I walked one once) but I like to get out and make fun happen. I'm typically up for putting on some comfortable clothes and getting to wherever vacation peeps are going with as much walking as possible, and I'd much rather spend most of my vacation DOING rather than sitting. As a case in point, note that on Saturday I got up and cooked for three hours followed by a run before partying, on Sunday I dragged everyone out to Bumbershoot where we had about 4 hours of walking for every one of sitting, yesterday I awoke before my cousin and went out for an exercise walk seeking out as many big hills as I could in in Queen Ann, last night we walked to dinner, and this morning I used my last 90 minutes in Seattle-proper for an urban hike in search of the perfect latte.

Of course, once at the airport I had some indoor hiking to do as well. With all of this activity (both planned as exercise and just taken as the best mode of transportation and enjoying the city) it's no wonder I could get away with eating some things that are not normally on my personal menu.

I personally think, though, there are other factors contributing to this positive vacation loss. I've noticed that FRED has been far away. Last night I had delicious, amazing food in front of me (chips, fresh guac, enchiladas, and my cousin ordered a giant thing of cheese fries) and a miraculous thing happened . . . I was . . . what's this feeling? FULL. Done. Over and out. Enough. Having had so many other wonderfully delicious things over the four days that had preceded that dinner, and having water and an awesome margarita in front of me (I swear! The avocado margarita is not only real, but mind-blowingly good. They were from Laredos and people have corroborated my review of the avocado margarita) FRED seems not to tag along on vacations, though he sometimes comes along for business trips.So, on vacation I can just be done when I'm done. No drama.

The day before at Bumbershoot I had had a small cup of ice cream but was still feeling . . . something. I wasn't feeling painful pinpricks of the aura I get before a migraine or the deep discomfort of crashing blood sugar, so I waited it out. After 30 minutes it occurred to me I needed to drink something. Almost instantly I felt so much better after getting my hands around some clear liquid. Meanwhile, I typically leave my house on a work day with close to a gallon of water plus snacks and healthy options, but if you'd asked me a week ago to tell you when I was hungry vs. when I was thirsty, NO WAY.


I also think that walking is like the opposite of addictive eating. Eating things that are bad for me becomes a negative cycle where, despite the fact that I actually like healthy foods, by eating something "bad" I then crave more bad things. Cheezits lead to popcorn leads to frozen pizza and so on until it becomes a fast and furious negative cycle. I notice that when I'm walking it leads to a desire to do more walking. I start thinking how great it would be to get into a routine of getting up early on three work days a week and walk for 20 minutes. I start planning outfits around good walking shoes so I can walk more. I mean, come on, I went looking for the steepest, tallest most slope-ful hills! It becomes a positive cycle.

Also, I think that walking becomes its own stress relief. I really should seriously think about altering my schedule so I can walk three days a week . . . it's a hard trade off when I think about how little sleep I already get, but it might be worth it if I could feel this good about myself even once a week. And stress definitely plays a role not just in emotional eating (and then indirectly, weight gain) but also in the actual hormones involved with clinging to pounds.


The other thing is this . . . my mind comes off ice when I'm on vacation. I'm generally hanging out with the people I find most stimulating, many of whom are the smartest people I know in real life, when on vacation. So that helps. But I think there is something else. As it turns out, most people who soothe with food either do it because they had role models who did, because they didn't learn to self-soothe in other ways, or because they are addictively eating not to soothe feelings so much as to numb them. I'm the winner of the trifecta because I have all three issues. The big one I've noticed is that at this point, I spend a significant portion of my daily time on autopilot. I just do what needs to be done. I have enough experience at my job to get by on that alone, and I'm just enough unfulfilled by my job or frustrated that I don't want to think about it too hard. (This topic really deserves it's own post and may get it at some point). I did this same thing via a large quantity of vodka each week while writing my second Master's thesis (my adviser was . . .  abusive is the kindest, must publishable word I can come up with. And I had determined I had to leave with my Master's so, I had to tough it out and that's how I did it. It was so not good.) and now I'm all growed up and out of school so I do it without alcohol. So, ironically, while there are scores of people who go on vacation in order to turn off their brain, I go on vacation to turn mine on. I have noticed a significant upward trend of the number of cool words I have in circulation in my vernacular when I take a plane and leave for vacation. (And as a linguist I can measure that scientifically . . . no not really. This is anecdotal evidence from me analyzing me which linguists do like to do, but which my other masters in Cognitive Psychology frowns upon. )

Armed with my whole mind, I can be as compassionate and attentive to me as I would be to a friend. (and again, no data here, but I think I'm a pretty good friend who offers support, compassion, and attention readily. But I tank at being those things to myself. In fact, I tend to be really mean to myself). Mindfulness works ever so much better when accompanied with, you know . . . MY MIND!

Does this mean I should find some way to be on vacation 24/7? Gosh, I don't know what the logistics of that would be but it might be worth it if I could drink beer, eat seriously delish dishes, and still feel this good about myself and motivated to keep going on this journey. And, hey, I'd be GOOD at it, but if I've learned anything from the many different jobs I've held in my life it's that being good at something isn't the same as liking it. More likely, it would be better for me to incorporate some of the things I did right on vacation in my every day life.

Here are the things I think I did right:

• Eating when hungry, not due to a schedule
• Stopping eating when full
• Drinking lots of water (I did that before vacay but need to keep doing it)
• Eating lots of vegetables and protein, and making sure to eat a variety. (Proteins included: shrimp, legumes, chicken, burger, fish, and pork. Vegetables: oh so many! So many colors and yummy salads!)
• Limiting carbs but not to the point of keeping myself from enjoying normal things. I generally had one piece of fruit per day, only a little bread if it was on the table, minimal rice, etc. But I enjoyed the fries with my burger, and the beer, Oh yes I did.
• Eating/drinking a high protein breakfast ASAP after waking up
• Not feeling like I have to finish everything in front of me. I allowed some risotto, half of my enchiladas, and a really unappetizing slice of pizza go uneaten. And it was fine. I mean, I wish the starving children could have had it, but having given to the food drive, I felt like I had done what I could do for them and that it was fine to do this for me
• Asking myself if I'm really hungry, or rather, thirsty or bored instead
• Enjoying my exercise. Not just doing it to do it
• Cooking healthy stuff
• Eating socially but not in a zombie-like way
• Spent more time cooking than eating
• Filled plate ONCE
• I often heard the inside voice saying, "You don't need to eat ____ now, you'll be eating awesome food at _____ soon."
• Not judging myself as being an epic failure when I ate dessert, fries, etc. But rather as a normal person eating normal things, enjoying my vacation
• Not letting the stresses and tensions that I did experience on this trip lead to feeling like food was the answer
• Being able to listen to the inner voice
• Walking
  

It's probably worth mentioning that I spent 6 solid days with people who are fun, interesting, sassy, and who think well of me. (At least I think they do . . . ). I'm sure it didn't hurt to be told that I was cool, funny, a good person, possessed of a "good head on my shoulders, "  and, most memorably, " a class act."

Now stay tuned to see how  I do on working these things into real life.

Referrences:

http://stress.about.com/od/stresshealth/a/cortisol.htm

http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=53304