Who are these people, and what are they doing at my gym at 10 pm?

As I'm sure I've made everyone painfully aware of at this point, running is not my fave. In truth, it's not just running because there are a lot of weeks where the workouts my trainer gives me are not my favorite. Sometimes they're exciting, but sometimes not so much. (Like this week, where I am doing a lot of movements with weights that kind of cause me to freak out, and then psych myself out a little bit. I guess that is exciting, but not in a happy way.)

What are my favorites? Swimming. Walking. Those are things I'm good at and can do and feel real accomplishment moving in to take the place of the stress that is leaving me. I also miss the adrenaline of kickboxing, though I was never really, aweseomely skilled at it.

So, running and lifting can be challenging for me in the best of weeks. Getting to the gym is half of the battle because it means I've won the mental struggle saying, "Wouldn't you prefer to read a nice book instead?." Why yes, I would, damnit (and I have a stack of good ones just waiting for me), but that will not help me feel better in my clothes, or in my skin.

I belong to a gym that stays open 24-7. When I joined it was because of the convenience of location, the decent price, and the plethora of cardio machines; not because I envisioned myself working out at all hours of the night. In fact, I thought, "Oh, I'll never work out that late." Ohhhhhh how foolish of me. It's like I blocked out the fact that two months out of the year I log a minimum of 55 hours of work per week. It's also pretty common for me to eat dinner after 9pm at least 2 nights a week even when it's not "the busy season". Wake up, Christie, your job is insane. Seriously working out seriously means working out at some pretty weird hours and that has been true for the 5+ years you've had this job.

This month has been a tough one at work. I have had exactly three work days where I wasn't on the road driving from center to center in Colorado, and two of those days were because I flew out and was visiting two centers in Utah. If you're wondering, no, I don't have to do less paperwork when I'm on the road this much. In fact, I have more because each visit has an equal and opposite follow up report. I just end up working more and more hours at times like this, while still getting more and more behind on office tasks. (Maybe you weren't wondering but obviously I needed to vent that thought anyways. ) So, it's actually kind of amazing that so far this month, I have not had to use the late-night gym drop-in. Until tonight.

It was a long-ass day. And all day long I had to keep on reminding myself, "You still have to fit in some quality sweaty time!" A little personal pre-frame. You will go running. Yep, it'll be late, but that run will happen. I left the house at 8:30 am with a stuffed messenger bag with my computer and some of what I call, "bringing the office on my back." I had a second messenger bag full of copies for meetings and presentations I was leading today. This was joined by a 94 ounces of water, and a ziploc full of snacks. My purse, of course (and yep, I still have that tiny-deodarant in there) and my gym bag. I had a meeting, some lunch (not the healthiest choice, but some real protein and veggies) drove an hour, and then found myself with 45 minutes to kill. So, I grabbed some caffeine and free wi-fi about a block from the place where I was going to be giving back-to-back presentations. In the block drive from the coffee shop to the center I knew something was off but not until I parked and started to haul things out of my car was it clear that I had a flat tire. Ugh. That was about hour 11 of my 14 hour day. And I knew there were still two hours of presenting and 60-90 minutes of driving home if only the tire could be changed. No matter - one brief and bad phone-under-running-water moment and visit from the friendly neighborhood AAA burly man and two presentations later I was back on the road and pulling into the gym parking lot at just before 10 pm.

I'm not saying this to pat myself on the back, but it's fricken hard to make yourself drive to the gym and not directly home after working that long. I fight with myself about getting my workouts done all the time, but the voices entreating me to go home and get comfy are much more insistent after working for more than 12 hours straight. The flat tire alone and the stress of that made me long for my bed and a way to shut the book on this day. But I did it, grudgingly. I seriously couldn't even get into thinking about zombies as motivation for my treadmill time. But I also couldn't hold meetings about results and give presentations about accountability and then drive home and not put my time in. I heard myself say to someone today, "The time will pass either way, it's a choice of whether or not the family chooses to use it making things better or staying the same." That statement applies to me too - the day, week, month and year will go by no matter what I do or don't do; it's my choice whether or not to use it to get healthier and achieve some of my goals.

So, there I was, 10 pm,  suiting up for a run that I absolutely, positively did not want to do. But a funny thing happened. Once I won the internal battle to get out of my car and go inside the gym, getting on the treadmill and running wasn't as hard as it sometimes is at much more reasonable times of the day. It was as if something deep inside me, something quiet and subconscious was saying, "you already did a 14 hour day, a stressful phone moment, a flat tire, and meetings and presentations. Of course you can run for 30 minutes. " So, I ran. I didn't jog, I ran. I ran above 5.5 most of the time, and where my longest interval of running before had been 5 minutes, I ran for 7 minutes for my first interval and for 5 minutes for my second interval. I sprinted at 6.2 and above. I finished my "assignment" of running 2 miles with 2.5 minutes to spare on the time I was supposed to be keeping. I kept all of my rests (otherwise known as walking) to three minutes or less. I exceeded my required mileage by a quarter mile. What the WHAT?!

If running keeps going this well I will have to give up my fun habit of making jokes about running and zombies. Hmmmmm. That would be too sad since I've held out for a year and I am a mere two weeks away from zombie season! (aiiiiiiieeeee!!!!) While I ponder that, let me say this: I was not alone at the gym at 10pm.

There were 5 other people on treadmills, 2 on stairmasters, and 2 on ellipticals. Apparently stationary bikes and rowing are just not cool after sundown, but I can report that there were two women dealing with bathing suits in the dressing room at 10:45 pm suggesting that swimming is a fine exercise choice in the dark of the night. Who are these people? Parents who can only work out at weird times? Students who are over-committed? Insomniacs? People like me whose jobs don't allow them to have a life?

From outside appearances, those people are me. They were there reading paperwork on the stairmaster. They were there with their cell phone in the drink holder. They were 30-somethings and most of them had some extra fluff and the grim look of, "I have to do this no matter what." They are my people.I joined them proudly with my iPhone-as-iPod (thank god it did not get drowned in that sink-mishap) and a run that I did mostly with my eyes closed because watching the clock inch towards 11pm while I was on a treadmill instead of tucked in bed with a book was a little horrifying.

I might have to go back late at night sometime and see if this magic late-night run effect can be reproduced. But in the meantime, it's very important that I sleep.

Speak up

Helllloooooo! Hello out there!

I have well over 500 page views at this point. Each day, it surprises me to see how many posts have been read. I started this thinking that a few people might sometimes read my blog. For the most part I needed an outlet to rediscover some of my creativity, a place where I could "think out loud" and some ways to hold myself accountable.

I've gotten well over 500 page views in the month since I've started writing, so I know this blog is no longer just for me. For the most part, people have responded by telling me on Facebook or in other ways that they like it and that it speaks to them, or that they like my voice or writing style. And those are always nice things to hear. Sometimes I'll be talking to a friend and they'll say something that refers to my blog, or that assumes knowledge from what I've written rather than anything I've said to them. Those are good moments because in those moments I know I have readers.

What I don't know is which posts, which topics, really reach out to people or grab readers. What do you wonder more about? What do you want to hear less about? What questions do I leave unanswered that you'd like to know more about? Speak up! I want to hear from y'all.

(And thank you so much for reading. It really does help and humble me.)

hiking

So, I went on my mini-cation. And it was AWESOME.

A lot of people wouldn't understand why I drove 7 total hours in a 36 hour period to go back and forth for this little mini-break. I did it for a lot of reasons. For one, I've been struggling in the last couple of weeks and when I'm spinning in circles often the best strategy is to step outside the groove I've dug myself in the ground. Another reason was that I never get enough time with the friend who invited me. We live an hour apart, and lead very different lives (and then enjoy comparing notes). So, the promise of some uninterrupted time with my smart and hilarious friend was a big lure. I also love seeing more of the giant state I live in. I drive all up and down the Front Range in Colorado for work, but this state is really giant compared to the ones I spent all my time in before. You can drive diagonally across Connecticut in less than the amount of time that I make a drive to Colorado Springs and back, and that's one of my longest work drives but only a small portion of the state. In the time it took me to drive from home to the hotel yesterday I used to be able to drive through part of NJ, NYC and the rest of NY, and most of CT to go see my fam. I love Colorado. It is big, beautiful, and parts of it are wild. It always surprises me how much of it is empty, because that doesn't exist on the East Coast. But it does take time to see enough of it to have a feeling for the state as a whole.

Although I'm not usually a sleep-under-the-stars, pee-outside, outdoorsy type person, in Colorado the need to experience what it has to offer in terms of natural beauty comes over me. I actively look for chances to get up at dawn, climb falls, head into caves, and see things up close and personal. And this location provided me with the chance to drive through some beautiful country as well as to experience up close and personal a waterfall, national forest and gorgeous hiking trails at Fish Creek Falls.

My friend and I packed a lot of vacation into one day. I loved all of it. We had a drunken margarita dinner with food that was more cheesy than is good for my weight-loss goals. We spent time in the hot tub and heated, lighted, swanky pool at night. We watched two movies, shopped, and talked about everything from boys, to children, from music tastes to our politics about guns, from Casey Anthony to how hard it is shop for sports bras. We slept. We pretended we were on a sleep over and talked about who our Hollywood boyfriend would be. We also got out of bed yesterday morning, ate bananas and granola bars, and headed out in our not as awesome clothes and hiked for 90 minutes. (Bonus, Saturday September 24th is National Lands Day or some such, so we didn't have to pay for parking.)

I am short, and I think I've mentioned I have short legs. I am also not the most coordinated or graceful person. This means hiking is not just uphill walking for me. It's real work. For most of my life (and by most, I don't mean half the years I've been alive, but rather, until 4 years ago) my allergies were so bad and my asthma was so unstable that cardio wasn't something I could sustain. And the one would trigger the other, so that several times a year I'd be so ill that for 2-6 weeks I would be unable to exercise at all. That's a major setback for someone like me. It made progress always 2-steps-forward-3-steps-back. So, I missed nearly three decades of building up my cardiovascular health.

I also have two bad knees. My left knee started partially dislocating known as subluxing patella when I was 10 or 11. The good news is that it's not a dislocation that needs to be reduced. The bad news is that it happened 3-6 times a year until my ACL was destroyed and full dislocations became the norm. I had that "fixed" when I was 20 after spending over half a year in a brace and/or on crutches (super fun in one of the iciest winters Western Mass has had in my lifetime, let me tell you) trying to avoid surgery. That surgery was so not fun, because I was trying to keep up a breakneck pace of working several part-time jobs to pay my way through school, as well as planning big things for my "honors thesis" (not what we call it at my college, but similar) and continuing some pretty rigorous study. It was also unthrilling because the three days after that reconstruction was when we discovered I cannot take pain killers. It was a long, long rehab. I'll say that.

So, last year, when my left knee with it's 10 year old ACL graft decided to fully dislocate, it's an understatement to say I was disheartened. I was also on a business trip so I had to reduce it myself (gross noises ensue), ice it, fly home, and wait the weekend before seeing a doctor here. He had a plan of physical therapy and then see-where-we-are. I did 6 weeks of PT and when I had but one appointment left, I was feeling very good. My friends were going to go out dancing and I had mentioned I wanted to go but would probably just meet them for dinner and then leave. My physical therapist said, "Just plan an outfit around wearing your knee brace, keep your feet parallel and on your ground, and don't do anything too crazy. Your left knee will hold up." And my left knee did hold up. But my right knee dislocated three times.

So, after four months of trying other things, last July I had the right knee reconstructed. We did a different reconstruction, and actually it was a longer surgery with more to fix but smaller incisions and less recovery time. But because the repairs were very different I have two very different not quite perfect knees now. I was able to return to personal training about a year ago. I was done with PT in November of last year. But since then, my trainer and I have worked continually on how I stand, how my feet turn in or out, strengthening my knees and legs, and doing many, many exercises that involve stabilizing myself on one leg. I spend a lot of my sweaty-time in any given week doing exercises that make me think about which muscles I'm using to stabilize my knee.

Hiking means doing this non-stop. Where are my feet being placed? How am I pushing up or stabilizing on the way down? Are my glutes activated? My core stable? My knees hyper-extended? How is my balance?

Hiking is hard work for everyone, but most probably put less thought into it. But it's also probably one of the best exercises for me. Instead of being a squat or a one-legged touchdown, this is a functional exercise that causes me to strengthen, practice stabilization of my bad joints, and get some cardio. Going up makes my whole body work and increases my heart rate. Going down is easier on my breathing, but makes my hips, core, glutes, and thighs work harder than pushing up, because I have to consciously control them in order for my knees to keep tracking properly. I know it seems counter-intuitive but down is harder than up. I experienced this for months after each knee surgery - going up stairs was work, but going down stairs was scary.

My friend and I had discussed the night before that neither of us felt the need to hike for hours and hours or sheer rock walls to get to a destination. I also warned her that I might be a bit slower than she was (and secretly hoped she would still like me at the end). So, when we got to Fish Creek Falls we looked at the "you are here" map and the trails and felt that either the trail marked "easy" or "moderate" would do. It turned out, though, that these were rolling strolls on paved walkways that ended in lookouts. It as awesome to see that the park had wheelchair accessible options, but didn't fit our need to get some exercise. So, we crossed the river and headed up the rocky, craggy, high grade hill. Yep, the difficult path.

Let me say this. I never tripped. I never completely lost my wind (despite being at a higher elevation than the town I live in). I never wanted to quit. But, my brain was going at every moment, my feet and knees were working hard, and I was sweaty within 10 minutes. We did stop a couple of times to let people pass us. One was an undergraduat-y looking guy who seemed to be jogging up the rocky hill. that's nice for him. The other was a group of women that we dubbed the "Barbie goes Hiking" group - they were having constant conversation about wedding vows and wedding vow renewals. We decided having them beat us for the front position was fine if it meant we didn't have to listen to them. But for the most part we were walking or hiking UP for 40-60 minutes steadily.

We did not make it to the lake. I would be willing to go back there with the right person or people (someone who is not leaping and jogging up the hill, people who get that I'm a little slower not because I'm wussy but because I have to do it right) and the water and food to do it for the day. But it was 5 miles to the lake, so 10 miles round trip. Nope, not our plan for the day. But we broke a good sweat and various sources estimate that we burned between 700-900 calories. It was great that we got to see some gorgeous pictures, amazing views, and quiet (minus the Barbie hikers). We realized as we were leaving that when we arrived there were half a dozen or so cars parked and when we left it was a full lot. We got there at the right time). And I got an opportunity to put everything I've been working on for the last 18 months into practice.

You would miss one run and sign up for one blister for this, right?

Then, we went shopping. I like to remember my trips by buying things I don't need.

 I kept it under budget this time, and will always remember my awesome, unplanned, serendipitous weekend with my friend when I look at my bowl, pointless but hilarious little-shop-of-horrors steel art, and phone charger shelf. Happy, happy Christie. Thank you, thank you friend for being cool, smart, hilarious, and a fabulous friend.

ways that I'm extremely lucky

I am a lucky, lucky girl. I don't always feel this way, but I am. I am unlucky in love, and I sometimes struggle at work or in my family, but I must always remember how very lucky I am. My blessings show themselves as the many wonderful, giving, generous, funny, interesting friends who are truly, truly there for me. This is always my safety net, even when I don't always love having people be, "there for me." I'm not good at asking for help, saying what I need, or accepting help, support, or even just kindness when it's offered. But I have a plethora of friends who do it anyways. And they are amazing people! I have friends here in Colorado that I work out with, sing with, and plan fun girl-outings with, or even have deep spiritual talks with. I have friends in Boston, Illinois, Florida, and New Jersey that are like extensions of my family and treat me like I'm just part of their household. I have friends who give me reality checks when I need to toughen my spine, and friends who hold me when I feel broken and miserable. I have friends who love to laugh and play, and friends who keep a serious eye on the road. I have great, amazing, funny, smart, talented, wise, selfless friends.

Although I sometimes feel that I don't have enough of the things I need, I always have more than enough love, support, fun, connection, places to stay, people who care about what is going on with me, and laughter.

I've had two very powerful  reminders of this lately. They both revolved around my very-not-happy-day last Friday. I posted something about my tears on Facebook and within a couple of hours had an outpouring of support. Two friends called me to make sure I was ok, while another asked me if he should call and one more told me later he had picked up the phone several times wanting to call and check on me, but then wasn't sure if I was still at work. One of my friends, who I consider family, texted me some love, and a reminder that he would be visiting soon - a cross country trip he will make just to have some good times with me. I got messages from friends who reminded me that the person who bullied me deserved my pity, not my anger. I had messages of compassion, and messages from people reminding me they would happily take up my cause and kick some ass for me. All told, I heard from 15 people last Friday, all within 4 hours of my post. And every message, either explicitly or implicitly said the same thing, You are great. I think well of you. Don't buy into this bad experience as being true of what you mean or who you are.

It was humbling, this massive outpouring of support. It actually made me worry that I had presented my sadness and distress as being much more dire than they were. I was not in any danger nor was I without the tools or experience to deal with the situation. It was just a very bad day at the end of a couple of weeks that were very exhausting and very emotional. It was awe-ing to see how many people came "to the rescue" when I had a bad damsel moment.

The other thing that happened is that a couple of friends immediately started making plans with me. Plans to hike, workout, call, etc. And one of my friends, who I regrettably don't get to see enough of, reached and said, "I was supposed to have a weekend away with my husband and that's not going to happen, but I'm still going up there. Wanna come?" Ummm, YES!

A couple of days of hiking, mountains, lounging at the pool, and eating tourist food seems just fine to me. What will be best of all is the time to hang with her. We have found that we have conversations that start with where one of us go the shirt we're wearing and up with talking about atheism, running, zombies, psychology, child raising, and everything in between. We laugh a lot and have conversations that make us think hard (well, I can't speak for her, but I can for me).

This break comes at a good time. I've been struggling the last couple of weeks. I don't really feel I've earned another vacation after taking time off to go to Seattle just a couple of weeks ago but somehow I need it. Even for a day. The last two weeks have been difficult and uncertain ones for me at work, in my family, and in the relationship I'm not sure if I'm having or not having with my boyfriend. I have been on the road nonstop and have worked too many extra hours, while still fretting about being behind. I have worked very hard to be in a healthy place with my family, and I think I'm there but it's work. And I feel it. And things are still very open and undecided in my relationship, with some hopeful moments and some very sad ones.

All of that has affected the things I do to process and unwind. It's been hard to get my cardio in. It's been harder to sleep. I haven't gotten as much enjoyment out of singing or cooking because it takes me too long to let go of the other things that followed me around that day to get full enjoyment out of the fun of singing and cooking. And my writing has been effected. Squeaking out a few posts in the past week has been hard, hard going. I feel I am always trying for words that are just beyond my reach. The pieces of my thinking about whatever I am writing about don't quite come together in a strong fit because I'm kind of mentally FULL right now. There isn't room for a lot else, just the things that are already on my plate.

So, as I pack to head off to the mountains, I don't think I'm taking this blog with me. This is metaphorical, of course, since I will have technology with me. What I mean is, I just want to turn down the noise on everything right now, enjoy my friend, and see where that leaves my head and heart, and then see where that leaves my eating and my body. As you can imagine, during the last couple of weeks there have been victories and defeats in that category. Instead of focusing in and relentlessly tinkering with that non stop, I'm trying to take a brief respite; a moment of reminding myself that chubby or not chubby, healthy or not, single or coupled, I am lucky. Let's see what that does for my attitude, my faith, my outlook, and my motivation.

See ya'll on the other side of a mini-cation!

loyalty

I should call this post "to the bitter end," because that is too often the consequence of my brand of loyatly.

I have mentioned before that I am loyal to a fault, and sometimes to my own detriment. When I think about it, I'm not exactly sure where the kind of fierce loyalty I practice comes from. I don't have memories of some childhood lesson learned, or of this being presented as a value in the home I grew up in in words or deeds. If anything, I saw some pretty strong examples of reasons why sticking to someone or something can be more difficult than it's worth. Nevertheless, here I sit as one of the most determinedly steadfast people I know. I stick by people even when it makes no sense. I stick by people who have hurt me, or done things I don't condone. I have stuck by people and my caring for them even as they go to jail or make horrible mistakes they cannot take back. I have stuck by friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, and family when they have not earned it I have stuck by jobs even when I am frustrated or not making enough. I do this, and meanwhile do a killer job at whatever it is even when I think I deserve better. On a near daily basis I support policies that I disagree with out of loyalty and professionalism. I stuck it out in school even when my adviser abused me and stole from me, and when I realized that she had treated other students just as badly if not worse. Moreover, I finished my master's in her lab and thus ran her lab and advised her students for her.

Once I'm in, I'm all in.

I was talking with a good friend recently and he said, "I'm totally committed. You'd think it was a good thing but it's not." And I know just exactly how that feels.

I gain so much from this. I have gained the ability to forgive and move on (though it takes me awhile). I have kept friends I would have lost if I was faster to close the door. I have the ability to not give up on someone where other people would walk out and not look back.I assume my children will one day benefit from the deep value I have to commit.

If I had to guess, I would say this latching on and not giving up is about a few things. First, I am bad at giving up. I don't quit. I don't give in. I had a client a few years ago who made it her mission to make things very hard on the company, and since I was the representative of the company, her evil quest was directed at me. I remember saying to my bosses boss when she had made her most recent war volley that, "She picked the wrong person if she thinks this means I will give up. Because I will just dig my heels in harder." It took me forever to leave grad school, even though I had every reason to.  (and I didn't exactly quit so much as I left at an appropriate juncture) It took me an extra year to get my black belt, and I just kept at it. I grew up with the message in my ear that math wasn't my thing. So, of course, after picking the one college where taking a math class wasn't required (no grades, tests, pre-set majors or required courses at Hampshire College) I "minored" in math. I don't give up.

The other issue is that I see what is good in almost everyone I meet, even people who really friggen annoy me. I see the good in the person who bags my groceries with tomatoes on the bottom of the bag. And I have a nice conversation with him. I see the good in the cop who pulls me over out of boredom (and says, "you were almost going over the speed limit."). I see the good in the family member who abandons me and my affection. I look for the better side hiding underneath the good in the friend who gave me a hard time. I see the good in the boyfriend who was pathologically not there for me and expected me to give, and give, and give. (When he left me in the town I had moved to for his benefit days after my father had died claiming somehow that that loss was more about his unresolved family feelings than mine, I stopped seeing the good . . . six months later. We don't refer to him by his given name anymore.)

It's hard for me to close the door on anything I have invested in - a job, a friendship, a degree, a person I love. For me, I call this the "used car problem." See, I've only ever owned used cars. and some of them were more used than others. When you get a great deal on a used car, you have to also plan that some of the money you saved will go into keeping the car alive. I'm also pretty on top of regular maintenance. So, at some point, I would look at each car and think, "How much more money will I put into you?" On my last car before this one, I replaced the battery, hoses, two tires, brakes and two drums,  an important component of the electrical system, and water pump. That added up to more than I had paid for it in the first place. Of course, it didn't happen all at once. I invested a little bit at a time over 5 years. Somewhere in the third year I had the thought, "Do I really want to put this work into the car?" But then thought, "well, I've invested tires and brakes already, so I might as well pay the $300 for this repair."

It happens a little at a time, and it totally is the good money-after-bad issue. Only, with people, it's hard to see when the money turns bad. Well, for me anyways. If I don't give up on things, it seems just plain wrong to walk away from people.

The problem, of course, comes when people like my friend and I throw our lot in for the long haul and then get taken for everything we're worth. It's easy for someone who doesn't intend to be manipulative to take advantage of the capacity for commitment, and the large amount of loyalty. For someone who is needy, demanding, or a "taker" it's even easier. And let's just say that I have had my arm twisted professionally in the past.

When I allow this to happen, sometimes I get to keep someone or something in my life that deserves my investment, and sometimes I end up having to file a restraining order (true story). I am getting better at finding better used cars to begin with. My standards are going up. But my investments go up too.

I am working really hard these days to examine all my loyalties and see which ones best serve me. I am investigating deep, deep down to think if the people, places, jobs, and activities I put so much of myself into to see if I get enough out of it. I have found myself recently saying at work, "well, there's only one of me so I had to _____." I need to think this way more often.

There's only one of me. And I only get one today. One life. One heart. I need to . . . if not protect it,  at least be very choosey. Otherwise I could give too much of myself to things that don't work for me. I feel really sad when I think about the time I gave away in my 20's to things that didn't get me where I want to be. I know where I want to be now, so I am looking very carefully.

9 not-so-simple tricks

I had major IT issues today. And since the IT solution to everything always starts with downloading something and then restarting my computer, I did. After this giant problem (which plagued everyone at work, but hit me harder and in different ways because I am a remote worker and "off the system" ) I had to restart everything, and when my web browser opened, because it defaulted to MSN's home page, it opened up to a scroll of daily articles. One of them was titled, "9 quick tricks that cut calories." Of course I had to look.

It was an interesting read for me, not just in terms of getting good ideas, but in realizing that I already had a lot of this down or have adjusted to fit me better.read down and click on the individual slides. I had varying reactions when I read these from "oh, that's a good idea," to "yup, that works. I should do it more consistently" to "what?!"

1. Take note - logging food. People who logged their food were found to be able to lose twice as much as those who don't. This is because people often underestimate what they are actually putting in their mouths.

I do log my food. Sometimes I forget, but when I do it I am completely honest. Even if what I have to log is that I ate a bowl of popcorn for dinner. What works a treat about it is that when I log, I not only practice accountability and consider my serving sizes (which is the point), but I also end up doing some planning. Oh, I had Greek yogurt for breakfast so I should probably limit dairy for the rest of the day. Chicken for lunch, so I need to have eggs or fish for dinner. Three servings of veggies, at least 2-3 more! What doesn't work about this is that sometimes I get busy and forget to log my food. Right now I have an adorable little journal I carry around in my purse, and I'm getting better at it, but sometimes days slip by. This slide has inspired me to be more religious about it.

2. Find Balance - sometimes dieters get overwhelmed with counting calories, so this is suggesting that instead of counting every ounce and morsel people just try to balance their plates with 1/3rd vegetables, 1/3rd protein, and 1/3rd whole grains.

This sounds so good in theory. It can get time consuming to count calories, and for someone like me, absolute value of calories matters, but what matters almost as much is the source and quality of those calories. (Not all calories are created equal! 400 calories of protein and vegetables is not equivalent to 400 calories of beer) But, even 6 years ago we knew that grains needed a smaller place in the food pyramid. And now, we have something newer and more fine tuned that represents how many vegetables we really should be eating.So, I don't know about this 1/3rd of your plate in carbs thing.

More to the point, at least in my case, if I eat a third of my food in carbs, I will eat an amount of unneeded (and often unintended) calories equal to those carbs because those carbs will bump up my cravings and alter my blood sugar stability. In my world, carbs breed the need for more carbs. That's how over-zealous insulin works. So, the better plate for me is one where it's a smaller plate, and 2/3rds of it is covered with vegetables, some of them raw. And the rest with protein and maybe a smidge of dairy. Fruit about once a day.

3. Swap Smart - basically, the message here is that you can't deny yourself everything, but at the same time you can't have everything you want and still lose weight. So, if you want a treat, have a small one, but don't still have your sweet coffee drink, pretzels, or for yo too.

This I totally agree with . . . to a point. It can't be the case that people never eat a donut, cookie, or have a pumpkin latte again. That's not the real world. On the other hand, for me, having that cookie, even twice a week or so, will derail my results so much that it will demotivate me to the point of having that cookie every day, and then twice a day, and then in come the Cheezits and hello FRED! So, I need to not only give myself the cookie and then take something else away in its place, I need to pick and choose my moments to eat off plan VERY carefully, and keep those moments VERY isolated.

4. Scale Back - try cutting back on serving sizes by putting cereal in mug or dinner on a salad plate.

Duh. Serving sizes are one of the biggest problems we have created for ourselves. The next time you go to a restaurant, notice what they serve your entree on. It's the serving platter size in a dish set, not the dinner plate size! Having said all that, I do sometimes really blow it when it comes to serving sizes. See above - logging is good. Also, looking up some simple things about serving sizes can be helpful. When you read the calories, fat content, and protein per serving . . . pay attention to what the serving size listed there is! I've noticed it is so often smaller than what we normally serve up. How much is a serving of chicken or fish? About the size of a deck of cards. What IS 2 oz of shredded cheese? Get a scale. It's hard work, but worth retraining on this stuff. At least for me.

5. Slurp your starters - when eating out, have a broth based soup. It's filling and healthy and can help you eat less.

This works! Whenever I go for sushi, I get miso. Not only is it tasty, it is hot, simple, nutritious, and filling.

Other tips - I eat something fresh, raw, and high in fiber before going out. Apples! Broccoli! I go in filled up, and it keeps me from munching mindlessly on bread or chips and salsa.

Also, as much as possible, I look up menus before I go so I can go in with a game plan. And if I'm not getting a salad, I do try to ask for a box so I can split my meal into what I'm eating now and put away the part that is more than my serving size.

6. Slow down - try sipping water and even setting your fork down between bites. If the meal takes longer you are more likely not only to be more satisfied, but to know when you are full and not keep eating past your full point.

This works so well, except it's hard. I often have to eat in my car or very quickly before I get in my car. But even for eating small snacks, I do find that if I slow down, and eat mindfully, really paying attention to what I'm tasting, chewing it, and my other sensations, I enjoy my food more. And I eat less

7. Nosh often - eat smaller amounts more often throughout the day. This keeps your metabolism fueled all day as well as keeping you from being uber-hungry and then going overboard and eating too much in one sitting

This is a mainstay of EVERY sound eating plan. And there's a simple reason: eating makes your metabolism fires burn higher. Yes, that's right - eating makes you burn more calories. I know this sounds backwards, but every time you eat, it causes your endocrine system to fire up. The problem comes when I eat more than my metabolism can burn. But if I eat small amount, 4 - 6 times a day, it usually works out. And as a bonus, I'm never hungry or blood sugar crashing and I have more energy to work out, and more endorphins.

8. Pick Protein - protein is important for building lean muscle, which helps burn more calories. and it is also more filling so it should be part of every meal.

For me this is another no-brainer, but it also can be hard. I am the pickiest person in the known western world when it comes to knowing where my dead animal came from. It takes WORK for me to find chicken and meat and fish that I'm ok with, but it's valuable to do it if it means I can eat less carbs without feeling the loss so much. Plus, muscles are hot.

9. Beat Bloat - something about drinking water with lemon, and not eating too much broccoli.

I seriously don't know what this is about. I will not relinquish my broccoli.

So, the lesson here is that I'm doing quite a lot of what is recommended. As a result, my calories are fewer and my weight decreases as well. But it's probably worth paying attention to the places where I sometimes fall down on the job. I think it's also important to look at something else - whatever tips are here, there's also my explanation of making it work in my own life. Maybe there are places where I'm shorting myself results by messing around with the "formula" but there are probably just as many places where I made adjustments for the better. If I did nothing but apply a formula, I'd fail every time.

I know this because when I try to apply an equation to my eating and exercise without taking into account the variables, I fail. Every. Time. If I don't make it work within my real life, all it does is create an un-real life that I can't keep up with after a week or two.

So, simple tricks, but making them really work means factoring in how it works in my life. We'll see what the nutritionist says about this in a couple of weeks.

babies

Babies.

I wants them.

They don't necessarily need to come from me in order for me to raise them happily, but I want them. I have often said that how I feel about kids is that the HAVING of them isn't what most interests me as much as the RAISING of them. That part, well, that part I am bout 3 years overdue for getting a chance to do.

It's easy to look at me, and my life, and my age, gender and biology and say this is about some clock that ticks and tocks and tells me what to do. I truly don't think it is. I think instead that a long time ago I decided that having kids may not be possible, likely, safe, or even all that interesting to me, but that raising them was something I really looked forward to. Since my teens I have talked about adopting and so when it became clearer that biology was not in my favor of having I thought that it was probably not a coincidence that I had identified earlier that where the child came from was less important to me than to many others. That being said, I think I understand those who fight hard, and spend time, money and heartbreak after heartbreak to have them. (I have more friends than I can easily reckon who have gone through some pretty serious medical stuff to get pregnant, and because I have friends who are in same-sex couples that means I also have friends who have no choice but to go this route or adopt. ) Raising a child is a massive job, and while the rewards are great, the emotional, financial, and logistical costs are huge too. For some, this is not a job they can feel truly motivated for unless they are plugged into a biological connection. I respect that. We were built to reproduce, after all, so it shouldn't be surprising that biology and reproducing of ones' self is part of the equation for many. It just isn't for me.

I'm not so sure that my genetics are so important to pass on. (Actually, my brothers and I have often remarked I literally and figuratively got the short end of the stick in our family. I try not to blame my parents too much since I was their first and they didn't know what they were doing. ) And my biology seems to agree to a certain degree, by limiting my ability to accomplish that anyways. It's ok by me because I think that what is most interesting about me is my outlook on the world, my capacity to love and guide and teach, and my commitment to keep learning, not what's in my genes. And I think I can pass that on to a child who isn't biologically attached to me. Since I do form deep, loving connections with children who aren't "mine" (and since I've had the ability to notice this by being a nanny, having a foster brother who was very young when I was in my 20's, and meeting other children who are still close to my heart along the way) I think I'm an excellent candidate to adopt.

Except, you know, I'm not because while my head and heart are ready, my life isn't. A lot of my campaign to become healthier, and examine the direction my life and career are about taking hold of what I feel is the right time to have children. I need to keep the things that are working for me while throwing out the things that are empty, more difficult than they should be, or just huge time-wasters or energy-drainers for me. In the end, it is about wanting to get more ready for kids and having more to offer them, if I'm being very truthful.

I've been patient, I've picked out people I thought would be good parents. And yet, mysteriously, although I thought I might have kids by now, I don't. This is hard for me to swallow. I always had a plan (and you know how I feel about plans) that if I ended up alone I would just go for it and be a single parent. And so it seems like now is the time . . . so, why no babies?

There are logistical issues, like the fact that I work too much, and yet don't make enough. Also, my schedule changes from day to day and week to week, and that doesn't allow me much stability. And I believe kids really need stability and structure. And maybe just as importantly, the kind of mom I want to be requires having more time than I have now. I want to be the mom who can cook dinners at home, play, and read every night. I want to be a mom that can stay home when my kid is sick and needs to stay home. I want my kids to have parents who actively seek opportunities for them to be exposed to new things, learn, and be stimulated. I want to take my kids to the library each week for story times and picking out new books, and I want to know where the local Children's museum is so we can go often. And right now, my job doesn't nurture me to be that kind of person for myself, much less anyone else in my charge.

The bigger problem is that . . . I'm scared. I think all parents are scared, but single parents seem to live in a perpetual state of survival mode.

Before I seem to be a complete wuss, let me say this. I've done my homework on this. By which I mean I have spent a lot of time with my friends who have kids. The few friends I have who have arrived at single parent-hood did it through circumstance, not choice. And they get a lot of help from extended family. I don't really have that option.

And all of the rest of my mommy and daddy friends? Well, they are amazingly happy to be at this point in their life, but not shy about sharing the hardships. There is, of course, a lot of talk about the loss of sleep. But also talk about expense. And the struggle it is for the couple to enjoy each other and their relationship. The new worries, thoughts, and plans. The time. The time. The time.

I have friends who have one parent home with their child, and those who go back to work within 6-8 weeks. I have friends whose children are adopted, and friends who struggled for years to get pregnant. I have friends who are married and raising children, and those who are together but not married. I have friends whose marriages are not recognized in my country (for which I am deeply ashamed and angered). Regardless of how they make their family, everyone tells me they are constantly thoughtful about whether or not they are giving their children enough - enough time, enough attention, enough resources, enough good role models and experiences.

My friends who are at home with their children feel simultaneously blessed and privileged to be able to do it, and guilty that they aren't working. They are worried that this time "off" will be counted against them when they do go back to work and anxious what their children are learning about gender roles and who stays home vs. who goes to work. Meanwhile, my friends who go back to work are tired, run down, and always carrying the guilt of feeling they neither giving enough time to their jobs or their children.  I hear it from the two mommy families, from the moms and dads alike, from all of them. It seems it feels to them like no matter what they do, there are mis-steps and very often the concern of not enough of themselves to go around.

So, how will it be for my children? Likely adopted, and thus in even greater need of time and attention to bond. I can't be in such a rush to bring the children home that will someday be the children I raise that I overlook that. I have to think about the fact that I struggle to find time to unload the dishwasher or the stability in my schedule to eat regular meals and that my children will need clean dishes and food every day. (I know, kids are sooo demanding!)

It's hard for me to wait. I'm actually a pretty patient person (despite what my family thinks of me, I am willing to wait, put work in, and be determined for a long time when it's worth it to me). But I've been waiting since my 20's. And in my 20's I felt like, "ohhh, it's ok. I'm only 26, 27, 28." Now it feels like alarm bells going off every time I pass an adorable baby in the store, or see cute little clothes, or when the next person I know is expecting. Which, honestly, is just about everyone at this point. I love shopping for gifts for them. I really do. Because I love them, and I want their babies to know love and support and resources. (It is my deep belief that children can never have too many people loving them. and that their parents need a community of love and support too. It takes a village, yes, but that same village needs to be there for the parents too, and so, we all need to be there for each other to support in the difficult times and to love and celebrate in the good ones) I've made a fine art of it baby-shopping, actually. It isn't a case of, "I'm happy for _______ BUT . . . ." It's very much, "I'm happy for ___________ AND I wish I could do this too. Now please." With each baby shower, with every birth announcement, I am glad and rejoice for my friends and co-workers. AND I feel also a deep stinging reminder of the thing I most want and haven't achieved.

So, I really don't feel like I can rush right out and bring home a kid. But I wish it were otherwise. In the meantime, I need to take care of myself, and keep this hope in my heart: that when the time is right, I will have children and be a better parent than I could be now.