Loss

I have all kinds of posts I've been writing and working on for a week or more that should be getting my time and attention but I'm bypassing that for today.

Today I was asked to attend a phone meeting with my supervisor at 9am. The agenda set forth for the meeting was, "Priorities for next year." Instead he asked about the very complicated project I completed yesterday, and then asked me to hold while he dialed someone else onto the line. It turned out it was HR getting on the phone to handle a conversation about the dissolution of my position and the terms of my limited severance.

So, there it is. Jobless for the first time since I was 14 years old. There was a brief stint during my first semester of grad school before I had gotten wise to the ways of picking up extra money from my university (teaching and tutoring), but really. I've haven't been unemployed since before I was too young to be employed. I have always earned my own way and taken care of myself since I can remember.

This is a weird feeling. I'd like to not be working due to a better reason. Like babies to care for. Or winning the lottery :)

Instead, my job is just gone. It seems this is through no fault of my own, but it is hard not to take it personally when it comes at this time of year and after all my hard work. I think in the end, the company is going through a lot of change and I was exfoliated during that process.

In truth, I am not sad about the job. I had outgrown it some time ago and no longer felt I was being challenged, growing, or being fully appreciated. In that sense, this is an opportunity. My therapist was fairly dancing as he coached me through this and saying, "I'm sorry, I can't help but be excited about this! I think this is such a great opportunity to be grateful for." I agree with him in the thinking about the job. He is right. It is time to find a better fit. It is time to keep growing. It's time to stop holding myself back because I'm afraid to give up what's comfortable for what might be better; what might be ecstatically happy.

On the other hand, I know people who have looked and looked and looked. One of them lived in my mom's basement for far longer than was good for either of them. I am not sorry about the job. I'm scared about the paycheck. I posted on facebook this morning, "I just lost my job." and this afternoon I posted, "Sometimes change is chaotic, scary, and handled badly. Sometimes it's an opening. This will be both I think." The later is perhaps the more deeply honest statement. There is an opportunity here, but there is also some real damage in how it came about. Isn't there a Hindu Goddess that is in charge of both? That paves the way for change by tearing the walls down? I have her on my mind today.

Since judging myself is the thing I DO it is very hard work not to make this a judgement about me being a bad person, a poor worker, or in some other way my fault. I am working really hard to breathe through that and am very lucky to have amazing support from just droves of people who love me and help shine my light a little brighter. Some amazing special mentions (thought I've had all kinds of calls, texts, and facebooks and couldn't possibly mention everyone. But thank you!) go to my mom for helping to keep things at an even keel today, to my bestie Rob for calling right away and listening to my messy thoughts, to my other bestie David for putting words to my anger when I couldn't, to my brother for being quietly supportive, to my lovely best girlfriend for calling me immediately despite having a nursing baby to care for, to my therapist for helping me breathe through my initial hour of reaction, to my dear friend Wil for starting to forward me job search ideas right away, and to all my ladies who are coming over tonight to surround me with laughter and beer. Probably the best medicine for this day.

Tomorrow I will ship my computer and cell phone and next month someone will come to clean out my office. So be it.

I will get there and start thinking of this as a good thing. Maybe not today though.

In the meantime this quote from someone talking about felting and making beauty and art out of what you're doing applies today, and thanks to Wil for this," You have to know how to use the accident, how to recognize it, how to control it and ways to eliminate it so that the whole surface looks felt and born all at once." -- Helen Frankenthaler '49