I had gotten an email asking me for that interview, and since my application had been as a response to Craigslist, the email didn't help me with the problem I had when I applied . . . which was that I didn't know very much about what this job would actually have me do. The email asked if I could meet that Friday at 11, and gave me an address, that was all. Somehow the combination of unnerving winds, sleep deprivation, anxiety, and unknowns combined and formed in my brain as a really horrible dream.
I dreamt that I showed up in an office park for this interview, and the building I was in had a long side hallway. It was dim, and there were no doors along the way. I walked down the hallway, entered the office, and the reception area was normal, normal, normal. I waited in a chair, and as the receptionist took me back, I was pushed into a dark room, chained to a metal frame on the wall, and locked up for over two days. There were other women there, most drugged or beaten. We were sold for . . . . well, you get the picture.
I was freaked out enough by this that when I went for the interview, I texted the address to a friend and picked a check-in time to text again. I joked about this on Facebook, but I was actually pretty upset.
A friend was joking with me the next day, and I was telling her about the actual interview, and how when I had to go down a long empty hallway, I actually almost reconsidered, and when their reception area was completely dark, I almost left. She joked, "You were thinking there were zombies in there." And quick as anything I retorted, "No! If it was zombies, I would know what to do!" You see, I have a zombie survival plan, but not a terrible-people-selling-woman-flesh plan.
So, you know, clearly, there were neither zombies nor disgusting pimps at that interview. But, in honor of my favorite show coming back tonight with the mid-season premiere, I want to talk about zombies. (I mean, let's be honest, I always enjoy talking about zombies. But since it has little to do with my quest to balance my life and make it more meaningful, I restrain myself here as much as possible. Other occasions in my life . . . maybe not so much restraint.)
So, here is the deal, while I don't believe in zombies, I do heart them deeply. And I have thought a LOT about zombie apocalypse preparedness. Luckily, a lot of the basics apply to being ready in case of other emergencies.
So, now for your reading pleasure, I will discuss my zombie survival plans.
If zombies attacked me in my home, well, I have two sliding glass doors and a window at garden level. So, I would pick something up and start swinging, close and lock a door behind me, and get out. There is no making a stand in this condo. If I had been in that office, same idea. Pick up a chair, start swinging. Aim for the head, and try not to get backed into a wall or room with no door. And then run.
But, the thing about running is, no matter how great your cardio endurance is, you will not be able to do it forever. So, in my mind, it's important to run smart, not just fast. You don't want to run into any dead ends or enclosed spaces. Nowhere dark if you can avoid it. And you want to aim for somewhere that will allow you to rest/close out the zombie pursuers for a bit or somewhere that will allow you a more permanent safety. Like the horror movie rules put forth in SCREAM, it is also wise to not run up anything you can't get down off of. Zombies used to be people, and people can climb stairs, and in some cases, trees. Run out and DOWN whenever possible
Now, most people who survive the initial wave do it out of luck and quick reflexes. Being in the right place at the right time, or accidentally figuring out how to stop a zombie that comes after you (go for the head!) will keep you alive on the first day, maybe the second. But the key to the third day and beyond is to start stockpiling necessities.
My list includes building a plan that allows me and whomever I'm with to have more of some important stuff:
- Water - need a source, and a plan to purify it
- Food - standard stuff applies here. Lots of protein, and stuff that keeps well. Canned goods are great, but hard to carry if you're hiking. Protein bars, protein powder, and jerky seem like the right call, however unappealing.
- Medications and someone who has some medical knowledge (EMT, nurse, doctor. More on that in a minute).
- Shelter
- Weapons (More on that in a minute too)
- Transportation
- People
If we're to believe Hollywood, what I can expect is a magically blended group of lots of different ethnic backgrounds and skills. My requests are for one person who knows electronics, one person who know weapons and can train others, someone who has medical knowledge, and someone who knows something about food and agriculture or finding food in the wild (I have a friend who knows all about edible wild plants - she would be welcome in my group!). So, having more people isn't just about safety in numbers, it's about gaining different skills in those numbers. I'm accepting applications now . . . you know, just in case.
A special word about children: of course, with no kids, it doesn't matter if my group survives, or even another group. Humans would die out eventually. So, kids are necessary. But let's be honest, they're also risky. (In the race to stay alive, kids slow us all down. Brutal, but factual) The nature of children is that they have to push the envelope while growing up in order to become adults. That often involves impulsive, loud, messy, high-profile behavior. Which of course is dangerous when trying to protect an encampment or run for your lives. So, I think kids have to be handled very carefully. And honestly, that means there have to be enough people to help handle them. And a stable location if at all possible. Good lord, I just hope that no one with a toddler hooks up with my camp despite the fact that I love toddlers.
See how people are the most valuable resource in case of surviving a zombie apocalypse? A group of about 10-20 is ideal if actively running and not hunkered down somewhere stable. If somewhere stable, it's all about what your facility and supplies can handle without being stretched too thin. But, of course, if the group gets too large, some kind of hierarchy or decision making structure has to be put in place. Lord of the Flies plus zombie apocalypse is a baaaaaaaaaaaad plan.
Now, in an urban environment, you want to look for a building that has access to other things you need such as food and water, but at the same time, it can't be something too big to hold down. For instance, I would NOT recommend a hospital - it's too big to secure. Too many places where zombies could work their way in unbeknownst until it was too late. I have the same worry about department stores or malls, plus the big plate glass windows in those places too. I can see reinforcing a Target with a group big enough. Plus, then you have the air mattresses and granola bars right there, some basic first aid supplies, not to mention the built in Starbucks with the espresso machine (ahhhh). The other big concern in this situation is that nowhere, not even a Target or Walmart, will have everything you need for all time. So you need to have a plan to be able to get in and out very stealthily without being chased, or caught. Here's the trick with that Target-type place. I and my zombie-surviving peeps could decide, "Yes! That store is perfect!" but if you get there, and there are hordes of undead wandering around, and it will be noisy to get by them . . . it's not perfect. In an urban setting, you can bet that if there's a crowd of 50-100 zombies around your spot, there are hundreds more just a couple of blocks away that WILL make their way to you once they hear the scuffle or the shots fired. Move on to plan B, quickly and quietly.
In a more open or rural environment, the choices are a little more complex. I've heard arguments for mountain tops, valleys with water sources, small towns. I'm willing to be persuaded on most of those. I'm not a fan of the mountain top option, because it would be easy to get surprised by a tenacious horde that made the trek and happened to come upon you on the part of the mountain that sealed off your route. I have been convinced that a free-standing building that has a generator, some guns, and the ability to be secured could work. I'm also a fan of the secluded farm or ranch, as long as there are enough people to stand watch in shifts. I am NOT psyched about the idea of camping out doors . . . too vulnerable.
Transportation depends a lot on setting, but suffice it to say you need at least one form of transportation that is very maneuverable on different terrains and can weave in and out of things - motorcycles and horses come to mind. But this should not be the primary form of transportation for the group, since their strength of being smaller and more movable is also their weakness in that in the wrong situation, that lightness could easily be preyed upon and taken down . . . literally. So, you also need something big and tough - giant redneck trucks and tanks come to mind.
Now, here's the deal. Once shelter and a group of people to secure it and keep it supplied and secured are in place, then it's time to think of other things. Weapons are everyone's priority, and I see it as an important piece. But, for me, as long as a range of weapons (guns, yes, but something quieter too . . . guns with silencers? Cross bows? Axes? Throwing knives? I'm not entirely sure yet. ) and a cache of ammo is socked in, I'm good.
My primary concern is that after a group of people is assembled and has survived a week or more, then the issues become not just the zombie-problems, but the people-problems. This is to say, survival in an apocalypse is about more than not getting eaten; it becomes a lot about how civilization's answers to our problems may or may not exist anymore to be taken for granted. Routine surgeries and health issues quickly become life threatening. That appendicitis could kill you. That asthma attack could take you down. So for me, medicines and medical knowledge are paramount. Included in that is the dire need for birth control. Somehow, when trying to survive and make sure life is still being lived, people seem to like to . . . ahem . . . get it on. Lets be honest, we need kids to grow up in this apocalyptic imagining, but nobody needs to be pregnant while running for their life. By the second trimester, that's just like a two-fer for the zombie that catches up to her.
There are other things too, though. Like, taking for granted the things that technology provides. Hence, someone with a background in electronics, technology, and/or mechanics is most welcome on my zombie team. I need someone to help me re-start a generator, hot-wire a car, fix a radiator, or get the radio working.
So, my hope is that if I could fight my way out of the aforementioned office or home invasion, and meet up with the right people, I could learn to shoot, make a fire, find food, or at least cook the food that was found, siphon gas, and expand my basic first aid to include giving stitches if not removing diseased appendixes. Let me know if you'd like to join me in case of apocalypse.
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