A couple of weeks ago, I posted about meditation.
Meditation is really, really hard for me. I know you all heard this all before but it is harder than making myself work out, harder than passing up cake, harder than pull-ups. and pull-ups are really hard.
The thing for me, about meditation, is that I can sit. And I can breathe . . . usually. Maybe not for long, and I may or may not actually fully empty myself out. And all of that is fine. I agree with my therapist that it's a practice, and that's it's called practice for a reason. It is whatever it can be on any given day - some days it's a constant process of hearing the voices and judgements in my head, and other days it's a chance to slow my brain down and feel something like approaching peace, some days it's a chance to process. Most days, whatever has happened "on the mat" so to speak, I feel good about having done it at all. Most days, when I open my eyes up after sitting and breathing, colors look brighter and my vision seems to be sharper. Life seems a little more in focus from how it was.
This is funny, because I've been sitting for three minutes at a time. No more, no less.
You may remember that when I wrote about ADD I talked about following a plan of 2 minutes a day, then ramping up to 5 minutes a day. But the truth is, it took two tries to get 2 minutes a day consistent for a week at a time. Two minutes seems like so little, but just as I discovered when I was taking pictures of myself every day for a year, and posting them, the list of things we do EVERY DAY without fail, never missing them, for any reason, is really, really finitely small. For me, now that I am not longer doing a 365 days photo project the list is this long:
1. Breathe
2. Drink Water
3. Brush my teeth ( I never don't do this. Because I am very, very into clean teeth)
That's the entire list, plus now, trying to sit and breathe every day. I don't eat every day. Almost every day, of course, but since doing a 365 I am very aware that thinking you do something every day is not the same as doing things every day. So, I know, for instance, that three times in the last 3 years I've been sick enough to skip eating for a day. I may, if I can succeed at sitting and breathing every day, add writing every day, or even do another 365, but for now, four things is enough to try for because I have a tendency to over-commit and even to over-commit plus then beating myself up for not being able to maintain everything.
So, here is the story of me trying to meditate every day, for just a few minutes.
Week 1. Objective: sit for two minutes every day. After a week of doing this, advance to 5 minutes a day.
The first three days were great. I got up each morning, sat for two minutes, and then had these peaceful and very contented breakfasts. I sat on my porch and noticed things. I had visions of photos I wanted to take and things I wanted to write. I felt good. Then, I started feeling . . . dragged around by unexpected feelings. Stress, judgment, expectation. I was so, so tired and found myself sleeping in. I had interviews. I felt . . . too full. So, I missed day 4 and 5. On day 6, I really needed my processing time and did my breathing on the couch, staring at my "processing ceiling." On day 7, I knew I needed another week of two minutes before "advancing."
Week 2. Objective: Sit for 2 minutes a day. Set no other goals regarding the practice of sitting and breathing.
Day 1 - I should read that book that Susan gave me. Actually, she loaned you two books. Maybe you should swim this week. And, Gabrielle loaned you a book too. Does she still have a copy of "All Families are psychotic?" Is this helping you with your family? Maybe, maybe not. If nothing else, then at least it makes you feel better at dealing with you. Shut up, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!
Day 2 - Breathe in. Breath out. Breathe in. Breathe out. That's all.
Day 3 - One in; one out. One, two, in; One, two, out. One, two, three, in; one, two, three, out. So, on and so forth.
Day 4 - I should make coffee this morning. Shut up brain. Breathe. Seriously, you breathe without thinking. why can't you JUST do this?
Day 5 - I wonder if there's any research about how asthmatics benefit from meditation and breathing practice? I need to blow my nose. This allergy season blows.
Day 6 - crap. I almost forgot to do this! And then . . . emptiness. And relief.
Day 7 - I don't want to. But I refuse to mess this up. Try not to fall asleep!
Week 3. Objective: Sit for 3 minutes a day. Set no other goals regarding the practice of sitting and breathing.
Day 1: Let's try sitting in the afternoon = epic fail. My mind was EVERYWHERE at once, and nowhere fully, and importantly, nowhere near settled on sitting peacefully.
Day 2: Sitting in my car before an interview. Set a timer and used this technique from the article (which I used to use in high school and college):
If (following the breath) seems hard at first, you can substitute the method of counting your breath. As you breathe in, count 1 in your mind, and as you breathe out, count 1. Breathe in, count 2. Breathe out, count 2. Continue through 10, then return to 1 again. This counting is like a string which attaches your mindfulness to your breath. This exercise is the beginning point in the process of becoming continuously conscious of your breath. Without mindfulness, however, you will quickly lose count. When the count is lost, simply return to 1 and keep trying until you can keep the count correctly.
The timer went off before I realized it. It went wayyyyyy fast.
Day 3: whoooooooooooops! Totally forgot.
Day 4: see above
Day 5: Breathe in. Breath out. Breathe in. Breathe out. That's all.
Day 6: What if I don't get this job? What should I make for dinner? Did I eat enough protein today? It's hard to breathe through my nose right now. My knee hurts. Beer sounds good. I should substitute a carb at dinner for a beer. Should I start getting serious about part time jobs for the summer? How much time will that take away from my job hunt? Does that just prolong this issue rather than solving it?
Day 7: whooooops! Totally forgot.
Thus, today is 3 minutes, day 1.2 - insert here me laughing at myself.
But gently.
As the article says, "If you're anything like me, meditation will help you realize just how far, and how fast, your mind can wander from what you're supposed to be doing at the moment. In an age of multitasking, hyper-scheduling, and instant internet distraction, that alone can be a huge help."The problem for me, is clearly that my mind wants to run right up against the glass separating me from the the big giant beastly things we look at safely, when they are in cages. And then it wants to run back as quickly as it came. And on the path back, it encounters other things. Things that are conveniently distracting like what to eat, drink, and read.
So, when I picked up "When things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron, I knew I was onto something when she said,"Fear is a universal experience. Even the smallest insect feels it. We wade into the tidal pools and put our finger near the soft, open bodies of the sea anemones and they close up. Everything spontaneously does that. It's not a terrible thing that we feel fear when faced with the unknown. It is part of being alive, something we all share. We react against the possibility of loneliness, of death, of not having anything to hold onto. Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth. If we commit ourselves to staying right where we are, then our experience becomes very vivid. Things become very clear when we have nowhere to escape."
It's hard to pass by a mirror and not notice that it's you in there.
I am afraid. And fear is something I don't face very often because there is little I fear. I often proceed to do things that others think are hard without fear. It's not that I don't feel normal anxiety, it's that I don't have a lot of fears. I'm not afraid of elevators, heights, jumping from them, sparring big men, tunnels, moving to new places, or meeting new people. Other people ask me to deal with their rodent and bug issues. I have not a second thought about blood or needles, and I have watched my own surgeries. I'm allergic to pain meds, so when I do have surgeries I deal with pain on my own. The list of things I'm afraid of is almost as short as the list of things I do daily without fail:
1. I am afraid of the dark. It's silly.
2. I am not exactly afraid of but have some strong irrational reactions to anyone pushing on or pinning my neck.
3. I have some weird and not always logical concerns about meat and diseases. This is most often seen in how I shudder and wash my hands eight times after handling chicken. Bllleeeechhhh.
4. I secretly worry that all of this time I've spent thinking about raising kids won't translate into me actually being a good parent.
I've had this list for some time. I've operated under the idea that I walk through the world, mostly unafraid so long as I don't have to deal with chicken in the dark while someone is pointing out all of the flaws in my fictitious-as-of-yet parenting.
But, as it turns out, our friend Pema has me thinking. I recently told someone that we can't every know what someone thinks, how their mind actually computes something, or what we feel. As a psychologist I was trained deeply to understand that all we can see, all we can measure, is behavior. And my behavior suggest I am attracted to other unnamed things that frighten me, but that I am, in fact, scared.
And so my natural instinct is to "forget" to meditate, forget to sit with that discomfort, or to sit, and then instantly turn the spot light on other things (like beer, and books, and peanut butter).
My therapist said "don't you think it's about time that you stopped carrying all of that judgment around with you?"
And my person said, "maybe you need to get comfortable with being able to make decision without knowing all of the variables."
These are all ways of saying, what Pema says which is, "What we're talking about is getting to know fear, becoming familiar with fear, looking it right in the eye - no, not as a way to solve problems, but as a complete undoing of old ways of seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, and thinking."
I notice that I am changing. I sleep differently. I approach things differently. And though I can often be hear lamenting, "I have no way to plan what three months from now looks like, " I can also be heard saying that with reverence and wonder. I eat differently. I sometimes rationalize what I have done, accepted, or asked for help on; but I am also doing it without nearly as much pain as I previously experienced.
So, I will keep sitting. And seeing how up-close-and-personal I can get with my fears. you know, the ones I'm still getting acquainted with. when I know what they are, an update on that list will be forthcoming. (Duhn duhn duhhhnnnn) It may take me forever and a day to sit for 5 minutes a day, but I'm quite sure that however and whenever I get there I will know my insides better, and see the outside not just more sharply, as I do now after just 2 or 3 minutes, but with much less fear and judgment and much more vividness.
Showing posts with label awake. Show all posts
Showing posts with label awake. Show all posts
Monday, May 7, 2012
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Tales from an un-house-wife
My mom is fond of spinning a web of hypothetical plans for the magical
day when she finds herself independently wealthy. She says she would volunteer
somewhere very meaningful, hire a trainer and house cleaner, and go to the spa
every week.
These all sound like good plans.
But, I now have my first ever experience of not running from one place to the next, or one job to the next, and the idea of not working is no longer novel to me. I do volunteer, and it is somewhere very meaningful. I do work out. I don't go to the spa, but I do give myself a pedicure every two weeks - not just because it is more economical to do it myself but because I actually have time for such things now. I will probably never hire anyone to do my cleaning for me. I cleaned houses to pay for college (among many other jobs I took on during that time to pay tuition) and it's hard for me to be part of that dynamic, as a result. Also, let's be honest - I get a lot of satisfaction out of cleaning things. (Ok, maybe not windows. Or tile. Of any kind. Or stoves. So, let's say I would hire someone to clean those things, and those things only, maybe 3 or 4 times a year)
It seems like a cushy lifestyle, right? To sit outside and read, or write, to have a cool dog to hang out with and to take hikes, to have the luxury to cook, and keep your house clean, and meet friends for lunch in the middle of the day. And minus the constant applying, and the stress about where my life is going, and how far off course I am from my long term plans, this is my life right now (add borrowed dog to very cool hiking trails, mix well, smile).
But, let's just say it was possible to subtract out the stress, and the constant mill of applying and fretting about getting a job (I can manage this stress subtraction operation for short periods - maybe even for 10-12 hours on a really nice Saturday) - not working carries with it other liabilities. For one, I'm struggling with focus and concentration because of the special blend of coming by ADD naturally, stress, and open-ended-ness of this venture. For another, I'm becoming a secret introvert. I have the utmost respect for introversion, and I need my alone time to process and analyze - that has always been true even when I haven't been as good at recognizing it. But now, I'm hearing my extroverted self say, "I don't want to go to ______ if it's going to be really loud and full of people," and putting a lot more energy into having one social interaction at a time. None of this is bad, per se, except that the last time I found myself in this mode it was because I was profoundly lonely and depressed and felt stranded in the place I was in. So, I'm watching this carefully to make sure that I'm not secretly really un-ok. In practical, logistical terms it means that when I find myself in this mode, personal interaction requires a little more bandwidth for me. So, interviews are becoming more taxing. It's easy for me to go, to talk, to be open and engaging and make the connection, but it was very apparent this week that that took a toll on my reserves. Or rather, it wasn't apparent, and that's why I passed out on my couch with my clothes on afterwards . . . and now I am very aware of it.
But all of this pales in comparison to what may be two irrational fears I have been struck by lately. I have, over the last couple of weeks, been very anxious about getting a job and then not being able to do it well. This is silly, if I look at it logically, because the truth is, I was very good at my last job. And, perhaps even more importantly (and even less humbly if that is possible) I am very good at learning new tasks quickly, and deeply, and then very quickly creating systems and processes to manage them and do them with aplomb and efficiency, and shortly thereafter working to connect my tasks and efforts and communication functionally to any other employees, departments, projects, so that I have thorough knowledge of how what I am doing affects other operations. I know my strengths (high standards and accountability, communication, training, work ethic, organization) and my weaknesses (typos, over-committing, seeming to apply unreasonably high standards to others, getting very attached to processes). And I'm passionate about doing important things, doing them well, and doing them for the right reasons. So, when I'm spending all of this alone-time introspecting, I can usually logically back away from this fallacy. I can talk myself off that ledge pretty well, though finding myself on it is unsettling.
More poignant than worrying (without cause, I suspect) that I will get a job and flop, is the right-now problem of having not worked for nearly 4 months and feeling very dull around the edges. I find myself, for the first time in my life, sometimes lacking things to say. (For anyone who knows me, please note this may be the ONLY time where I have a dearth of thoughts and words to share.) I say a lot here, but don't want to repeat myself when talking out loud. And most of the rest of my life seems to exist outside of the the real world. I feel like I've been quarantined, or in a coma, and am missing out on what the rest of the world does when it goes about its business. Its funny, because when I was working, I had placed intense focus on making sure that work didn't consume me. I actively sought out a life outside of work - running, working out, friends, singing, writing, and photography. I desperately wanted to have things that fulfilled me outside of work, and that mattered to me in ways that couldn't be measured by hours worked, a paycheck, mid-year evaluation, profitability metrics. But now, my whole life is not working, and I feel I have gone MIA from the population of people who DO THINGS that matter. I mean, who cares how much I walked or meditated this week? Or the new recipe I found and then immediately altered? Or the fact that I had deep thoughts about how to rearrange the office, and my bedroom? Right - even I don't find those things that interesting and I'm the one contemplating them.
I sometimes open my mouth to say something about mopping my floor, fixing my dishwasher (which, if I'm being honest, I was a little proud that I could do), lightbulbs in my house, and why I used yellow tomatoes in a recipe instead of red, and there's a warning siren that goes off that screams, "Don't be a 1950's housewife!!" I am nobody's wife, of course, but damn, it would be easy to drink beer at noon, watch Grey's Anatomy, and let the constellations of my brain cells form around grocery sales, how to use my slow cooker and when to use bleach as a household cleaner.
My mom admitted to me that when she graduated high school her aspiration was to be a wife and mother. I have respect for this, as she did both well, and as it was a very different time for families, for women, and for how those choices got made. But, as a dear friend (who, I would add, achieved waiting patiently for the very thing she was internally very impatient to get) who recently had her first child said to me, "I love this baby soooo much AND I'm not a stay at home mom." It wasn't, I love my child BUT. It was both things, joined conditionally by AND. I am not a mother, nor wife, but I can say this - I love my new found peace and contentment and the rightness with myself and clear vision of what I want and how I think I can contribute. I love it so much, AND even if I were able, it would not be ok with me to stay home without a greater purpose for too much longer than I already have.
I want to have stories, I want to do difficult things, I want to fail and get better at something, I want to try and fit a dentist appointment into a busy week of meetings, I want to point to results at the end of the year or quarter or whatever and know what part I had in them, I want to make a to do list of tasks that relate to tasks I can't accomplish in this house with a pot, pan, cutting board, or mop. I even want to complain about traffic or a commute or a roadblock to achieving something in my office because this would mean I was back in the world doing things, earning my happy hour in Friday, thinking about how to get better at something, how to do more, how to be of use.
I never wanted to stay home. In my mind, if I was ever going to stay home it would be for my child, and it would have a pre-determined end point, a light at the end of the tunnel. I feel now like I am at the end of the tunnel, and waiting expectantly for that light to come on.
It's time for me to find my way out of this labyrinth and see "what's next" but I'm not sure this gets to happen on my schedule. So, I'm trying to do the things that work to keep me feeling connected to the rest of the world, and trying to dream up projects and pursuits that keep me from getting too boring to stand even myself. This is where it would be GREAT NEWS to be independently wealthy because then I'd have the resources to take on whatever seemed most engaging to me - skydiving, digital photo editing, class on how to make sushi, cello lessons, done, done, check, check. But I've also found, in past lives, that working through and past limitations can sometimes unearth previously unrealized creativity. (The first time I consciously experienced this was when I wanted to have my lab over for dinner and found out that one member was vegetarian and allergic to: onions, garlic, dairy, eggs, and citrus. At first I thought, "what in the WORLD could I make that isn't completely bland without any of those ingredients?" And then I came up with a killer menu. ) So, I'm trying to see this as a stellar opportunity to be creative about how I want to be creative - read more about meditation, take some free yoga, train for a 5k that I might never race, draw sketches of how I could rearrange and redecorate my house, take free online software tutorials, think about what I would give a TED talk on, document gluten free recipes, write a zombie story, are all on the list of potential projects. Interesting other suggestions, please feel free to apply as comments to this post. :)
And let us all bow our heads an pray that I do not, someday, write a post about mopping my floors.
These all sound like good plans.
But, I now have my first ever experience of not running from one place to the next, or one job to the next, and the idea of not working is no longer novel to me. I do volunteer, and it is somewhere very meaningful. I do work out. I don't go to the spa, but I do give myself a pedicure every two weeks - not just because it is more economical to do it myself but because I actually have time for such things now. I will probably never hire anyone to do my cleaning for me. I cleaned houses to pay for college (among many other jobs I took on during that time to pay tuition) and it's hard for me to be part of that dynamic, as a result. Also, let's be honest - I get a lot of satisfaction out of cleaning things. (Ok, maybe not windows. Or tile. Of any kind. Or stoves. So, let's say I would hire someone to clean those things, and those things only, maybe 3 or 4 times a year)
It seems like a cushy lifestyle, right? To sit outside and read, or write, to have a cool dog to hang out with and to take hikes, to have the luxury to cook, and keep your house clean, and meet friends for lunch in the middle of the day. And minus the constant applying, and the stress about where my life is going, and how far off course I am from my long term plans, this is my life right now (add borrowed dog to very cool hiking trails, mix well, smile).
But, let's just say it was possible to subtract out the stress, and the constant mill of applying and fretting about getting a job (I can manage this stress subtraction operation for short periods - maybe even for 10-12 hours on a really nice Saturday) - not working carries with it other liabilities. For one, I'm struggling with focus and concentration because of the special blend of coming by ADD naturally, stress, and open-ended-ness of this venture. For another, I'm becoming a secret introvert. I have the utmost respect for introversion, and I need my alone time to process and analyze - that has always been true even when I haven't been as good at recognizing it. But now, I'm hearing my extroverted self say, "I don't want to go to ______ if it's going to be really loud and full of people," and putting a lot more energy into having one social interaction at a time. None of this is bad, per se, except that the last time I found myself in this mode it was because I was profoundly lonely and depressed and felt stranded in the place I was in. So, I'm watching this carefully to make sure that I'm not secretly really un-ok. In practical, logistical terms it means that when I find myself in this mode, personal interaction requires a little more bandwidth for me. So, interviews are becoming more taxing. It's easy for me to go, to talk, to be open and engaging and make the connection, but it was very apparent this week that that took a toll on my reserves. Or rather, it wasn't apparent, and that's why I passed out on my couch with my clothes on afterwards . . . and now I am very aware of it.
But all of this pales in comparison to what may be two irrational fears I have been struck by lately. I have, over the last couple of weeks, been very anxious about getting a job and then not being able to do it well. This is silly, if I look at it logically, because the truth is, I was very good at my last job. And, perhaps even more importantly (and even less humbly if that is possible) I am very good at learning new tasks quickly, and deeply, and then very quickly creating systems and processes to manage them and do them with aplomb and efficiency, and shortly thereafter working to connect my tasks and efforts and communication functionally to any other employees, departments, projects, so that I have thorough knowledge of how what I am doing affects other operations. I know my strengths (high standards and accountability, communication, training, work ethic, organization) and my weaknesses (typos, over-committing, seeming to apply unreasonably high standards to others, getting very attached to processes). And I'm passionate about doing important things, doing them well, and doing them for the right reasons. So, when I'm spending all of this alone-time introspecting, I can usually logically back away from this fallacy. I can talk myself off that ledge pretty well, though finding myself on it is unsettling.
More poignant than worrying (without cause, I suspect) that I will get a job and flop, is the right-now problem of having not worked for nearly 4 months and feeling very dull around the edges. I find myself, for the first time in my life, sometimes lacking things to say. (For anyone who knows me, please note this may be the ONLY time where I have a dearth of thoughts and words to share.) I say a lot here, but don't want to repeat myself when talking out loud. And most of the rest of my life seems to exist outside of the the real world. I feel like I've been quarantined, or in a coma, and am missing out on what the rest of the world does when it goes about its business. Its funny, because when I was working, I had placed intense focus on making sure that work didn't consume me. I actively sought out a life outside of work - running, working out, friends, singing, writing, and photography. I desperately wanted to have things that fulfilled me outside of work, and that mattered to me in ways that couldn't be measured by hours worked, a paycheck, mid-year evaluation, profitability metrics. But now, my whole life is not working, and I feel I have gone MIA from the population of people who DO THINGS that matter. I mean, who cares how much I walked or meditated this week? Or the new recipe I found and then immediately altered? Or the fact that I had deep thoughts about how to rearrange the office, and my bedroom? Right - even I don't find those things that interesting and I'm the one contemplating them.
I sometimes open my mouth to say something about mopping my floor, fixing my dishwasher (which, if I'm being honest, I was a little proud that I could do), lightbulbs in my house, and why I used yellow tomatoes in a recipe instead of red, and there's a warning siren that goes off that screams, "Don't be a 1950's housewife!!" I am nobody's wife, of course, but damn, it would be easy to drink beer at noon, watch Grey's Anatomy, and let the constellations of my brain cells form around grocery sales, how to use my slow cooker and when to use bleach as a household cleaner.
My mom admitted to me that when she graduated high school her aspiration was to be a wife and mother. I have respect for this, as she did both well, and as it was a very different time for families, for women, and for how those choices got made. But, as a dear friend (who, I would add, achieved waiting patiently for the very thing she was internally very impatient to get) who recently had her first child said to me, "I love this baby soooo much AND I'm not a stay at home mom." It wasn't, I love my child BUT. It was both things, joined conditionally by AND. I am not a mother, nor wife, but I can say this - I love my new found peace and contentment and the rightness with myself and clear vision of what I want and how I think I can contribute. I love it so much, AND even if I were able, it would not be ok with me to stay home without a greater purpose for too much longer than I already have.
I want to have stories, I want to do difficult things, I want to fail and get better at something, I want to try and fit a dentist appointment into a busy week of meetings, I want to point to results at the end of the year or quarter or whatever and know what part I had in them, I want to make a to do list of tasks that relate to tasks I can't accomplish in this house with a pot, pan, cutting board, or mop. I even want to complain about traffic or a commute or a roadblock to achieving something in my office because this would mean I was back in the world doing things, earning my happy hour in Friday, thinking about how to get better at something, how to do more, how to be of use.
I never wanted to stay home. In my mind, if I was ever going to stay home it would be for my child, and it would have a pre-determined end point, a light at the end of the tunnel. I feel now like I am at the end of the tunnel, and waiting expectantly for that light to come on.
It's time for me to find my way out of this labyrinth and see "what's next" but I'm not sure this gets to happen on my schedule. So, I'm trying to do the things that work to keep me feeling connected to the rest of the world, and trying to dream up projects and pursuits that keep me from getting too boring to stand even myself. This is where it would be GREAT NEWS to be independently wealthy because then I'd have the resources to take on whatever seemed most engaging to me - skydiving, digital photo editing, class on how to make sushi, cello lessons, done, done, check, check. But I've also found, in past lives, that working through and past limitations can sometimes unearth previously unrealized creativity. (The first time I consciously experienced this was when I wanted to have my lab over for dinner and found out that one member was vegetarian and allergic to: onions, garlic, dairy, eggs, and citrus. At first I thought, "what in the WORLD could I make that isn't completely bland without any of those ingredients?" And then I came up with a killer menu. ) So, I'm trying to see this as a stellar opportunity to be creative about how I want to be creative - read more about meditation, take some free yoga, train for a 5k that I might never race, draw sketches of how I could rearrange and redecorate my house, take free online software tutorials, think about what I would give a TED talk on, document gluten free recipes, write a zombie story, are all on the list of potential projects. Interesting other suggestions, please feel free to apply as comments to this post. :)
And let us all bow our heads an pray that I do not, someday, write a post about mopping my floors.
Monday, April 2, 2012
We are bound together
You will all remember that last week saw me reflecting deeply and walking through the emotional quicksand of my past employment in order to start the process of working with the recruiting team I have contracted with.
In theory, I adore their approach. They are very intent on determining what pushes people to perform and show their best side, and to help people identify the jobs and opportunities that will contribute to a career - not just a paycheck. Clearly, this is what I was aiming at when I wrote a description of my ideal job. And in other ways, writing about my core values and thinking deeply about what matters to me, and how I know rightness from wrongness, is about finding the right fit too. I can't go back to how I was before, to that lifestyle, certainly, to giving too much for too little in return. But also, I can't go back to being numb and only letting myself measure myself against my values when on the therapy couch. I'm awake now: I feel. I see. I remember.
I can't go back. this means I have to go forward. So, in theory, the idea of testing my skills and competencies, but also having a recruiter strap on a harness and a flashlight and go caving with me to deeply excavate what motivates and excites me is exactly the right step. But in practice, it's hard emotional work for me right now to try and stay present, in this moment, but think ahead to what I want at the same time.
Wanting things is akin to expectations. And expectation can lead to attaching myself to outcomes that may or may not happen. And that is one slippery slope away form disappointment. So, wanting things feels scary to me right now.
But, of course, I do want things. I want a job I can stay in for 3-5+ years; long enough to not just build skills and extend my experience, but to grow into different responsibilities and/or titles and influence positive change. I want not to move out of my condo. I want to go see my friends on the east coast. I want things.
So, when they asked me to write about what motivated and inspired me, what I thought was, This is the mission statement I can't quite get condensed and succinct enough to write yet. But I sat myself down and made myself write the following:
---------------------
I care about people being the best they can be, for themselves first, and for one another as an extension of that. As James Taylor says in one of my one of my favorite songs (If you like this blog AT ALL please click the link and listen, as a favor to me), "We are bound together by the task that stands before us. By the road that lies ahead. We are bound. And we are bound."
I believe people owe it to themselves to be aware, to develop core values and to try and check themselves, their decisions, and their impact on others around them against those values. To be responsible for what they bring to others, and for themselves, and to be thoughtful about who they become. I came from a family that was dysfunctional in most of these ways, but had formative experiences that showed me how deeply people are connected, and how powerful it can be to share positively, and to inspire people to investigate their limitations and make a plan to reach for more.
"There is a feeling like the clenching of a fist, there is a hunger in the center of the chest. there is a passage through the darkness and the mist. and though the body sleeps, the heart will never rest. "
I sing because it opens me up to the vulnerability needed to investigate my deepest emotional motivations. I write because I can’t not write. I pursue photography because it helps me stay awake and aware to how I see things and how they can be seen differently. I am not an artist, but it makes my heart stir to create and contribute.
"It is a hunger in the center of my chest, oh yes."
I spend time with children, and students, because it is a reminder to me of the importance of asking questions, seeing things in new ways, and the excitement of seemingly ordinary things. I am a committed life-long learner because stagnation and complacency are the enemy of the kind of considered growth I care about contributing to.
I care about data, because analyzing information is how I form a picture of what has happened, and where new potential lies. I run and swim because it gives my mind time to process these things. I organize, and plan because I want to be able to do the most I can do, and get the most out of what I am doing.
I give to charity because I know there are problems I can never fix, but not doing what I can do to make things better isn’t something I can live with - not and look at my reflection in the mirror.
"Oh let us turn or thoughts today to Martin Luther King. And recognize that there are ties between us. All men and women, living on the earth, ties of hope and love. Of sister and brotherhood."
I place deep attention on being honest and maintaining integrity, even when it costs me, but I try also to balance this with being fair and sensitive to other people involved in any process I’m engaged in.
"Shed a little light, so we can see. Just a little light."
I am an introspective extrovert, and that allows me to reflect deeply on my motivations, and to listen carefully, collect the data on others' passions, and to draw them out to share that information with me. Knowing people, their plans and passions, allows me to best counsel, consult, and train towards better outcomes. I want to create the opportunity for people to be just uncomfortable enough to experience real change and growth, but not so uncomfortable that they turn away from the moment where they can truly not just see potential for change, but can actually put it into action. I put a lot of my energy into careful articulation and communication in both verbal and written form because persuading and exciting people starts with trust and belief, and communication is one of the best foundations for that that I know or can offer.
I want to impact positive change in the world, in my community, in my loved ones and friends, and in myself by carefully considered analysis, thoughtfully matched goals and action plans, disciplined and inspired life-long learning, and providing and accepting the support to see areas of improvement and work towards taking responsibility to change and grow.
---------------------
Ties of hope and love, my dear readers, hippie and tree-huggery or not, it's what I really think. I didn't use all of those song lyrics in what I wrote for that office, (in fact, I quoted James Taylor only once) but the truth is . . . I have seen that the thing that most stops work, productivity, creativity, and growth are problems between people. Its the moments when people stop talking, and start assuming, blaming, yelling, striking, or giving up on each other that alters the path irrevocably. I've also seen how getting things done, how momentum and growth and contribution is so powerfully impacted by people working and playing well with one another. When we connect mindfully, when we use it to do good things, it is the best thing.
Some day I'll be able to boil all of this down to a mission statement, but for today it was enough that I could articulate that on paper for my consultant, and have deep conversation about it and related topics. Whew. And now . . . I'm tired!!!
In theory, I adore their approach. They are very intent on determining what pushes people to perform and show their best side, and to help people identify the jobs and opportunities that will contribute to a career - not just a paycheck. Clearly, this is what I was aiming at when I wrote a description of my ideal job. And in other ways, writing about my core values and thinking deeply about what matters to me, and how I know rightness from wrongness, is about finding the right fit too. I can't go back to how I was before, to that lifestyle, certainly, to giving too much for too little in return. But also, I can't go back to being numb and only letting myself measure myself against my values when on the therapy couch. I'm awake now: I feel. I see. I remember.
I can't go back. this means I have to go forward. So, in theory, the idea of testing my skills and competencies, but also having a recruiter strap on a harness and a flashlight and go caving with me to deeply excavate what motivates and excites me is exactly the right step. But in practice, it's hard emotional work for me right now to try and stay present, in this moment, but think ahead to what I want at the same time.
Wanting things is akin to expectations. And expectation can lead to attaching myself to outcomes that may or may not happen. And that is one slippery slope away form disappointment. So, wanting things feels scary to me right now.
But, of course, I do want things. I want a job I can stay in for 3-5+ years; long enough to not just build skills and extend my experience, but to grow into different responsibilities and/or titles and influence positive change. I want not to move out of my condo. I want to go see my friends on the east coast. I want things.
So, when they asked me to write about what motivated and inspired me, what I thought was, This is the mission statement I can't quite get condensed and succinct enough to write yet. But I sat myself down and made myself write the following:
---------------------
I care about people being the best they can be, for themselves first, and for one another as an extension of that. As James Taylor says in one of my one of my favorite songs (If you like this blog AT ALL please click the link and listen, as a favor to me), "We are bound together by the task that stands before us. By the road that lies ahead. We are bound. And we are bound."
I believe people owe it to themselves to be aware, to develop core values and to try and check themselves, their decisions, and their impact on others around them against those values. To be responsible for what they bring to others, and for themselves, and to be thoughtful about who they become. I came from a family that was dysfunctional in most of these ways, but had formative experiences that showed me how deeply people are connected, and how powerful it can be to share positively, and to inspire people to investigate their limitations and make a plan to reach for more.
"There is a feeling like the clenching of a fist, there is a hunger in the center of the chest. there is a passage through the darkness and the mist. and though the body sleeps, the heart will never rest. "
I sing because it opens me up to the vulnerability needed to investigate my deepest emotional motivations. I write because I can’t not write. I pursue photography because it helps me stay awake and aware to how I see things and how they can be seen differently. I am not an artist, but it makes my heart stir to create and contribute.
"It is a hunger in the center of my chest, oh yes."
I spend time with children, and students, because it is a reminder to me of the importance of asking questions, seeing things in new ways, and the excitement of seemingly ordinary things. I am a committed life-long learner because stagnation and complacency are the enemy of the kind of considered growth I care about contributing to.
I care about data, because analyzing information is how I form a picture of what has happened, and where new potential lies. I run and swim because it gives my mind time to process these things. I organize, and plan because I want to be able to do the most I can do, and get the most out of what I am doing.
I give to charity because I know there are problems I can never fix, but not doing what I can do to make things better isn’t something I can live with - not and look at my reflection in the mirror.
"Oh let us turn or thoughts today to Martin Luther King. And recognize that there are ties between us. All men and women, living on the earth, ties of hope and love. Of sister and brotherhood."
I place deep attention on being honest and maintaining integrity, even when it costs me, but I try also to balance this with being fair and sensitive to other people involved in any process I’m engaged in.
"Shed a little light, so we can see. Just a little light."
I am an introspective extrovert, and that allows me to reflect deeply on my motivations, and to listen carefully, collect the data on others' passions, and to draw them out to share that information with me. Knowing people, their plans and passions, allows me to best counsel, consult, and train towards better outcomes. I want to create the opportunity for people to be just uncomfortable enough to experience real change and growth, but not so uncomfortable that they turn away from the moment where they can truly not just see potential for change, but can actually put it into action. I put a lot of my energy into careful articulation and communication in both verbal and written form because persuading and exciting people starts with trust and belief, and communication is one of the best foundations for that that I know or can offer.
I want to impact positive change in the world, in my community, in my loved ones and friends, and in myself by carefully considered analysis, thoughtfully matched goals and action plans, disciplined and inspired life-long learning, and providing and accepting the support to see areas of improvement and work towards taking responsibility to change and grow.
---------------------
Ties of hope and love, my dear readers, hippie and tree-huggery or not, it's what I really think. I didn't use all of those song lyrics in what I wrote for that office, (in fact, I quoted James Taylor only once) but the truth is . . . I have seen that the thing that most stops work, productivity, creativity, and growth are problems between people. Its the moments when people stop talking, and start assuming, blaming, yelling, striking, or giving up on each other that alters the path irrevocably. I've also seen how getting things done, how momentum and growth and contribution is so powerfully impacted by people working and playing well with one another. When we connect mindfully, when we use it to do good things, it is the best thing.
Some day I'll be able to boil all of this down to a mission statement, but for today it was enough that I could articulate that on paper for my consultant, and have deep conversation about it and related topics. Whew. And now . . . I'm tired!!!
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Core Values
My most recent employer spent a significant amount of 2010 and 2011 navel gazing and thinking about what their values were, as an organization, and how to align goals, action plans, and ultimately department missions and work flow with that in mind.
I spent a large chunk of time in those years helping business owners and prospective business owners write and develop business plans. And, the first section of any good business plan is the mission statement. Often, if I would find items later in the plan that weren't working it was either because someone hadn't seen the longer term of logistics they were plotting. But, even more often than that I ended up in discussions with those people about checking the business decisions and progress they were planning against that stated mission.
We ask businesses and organizations to make statements of their mission and values, so why do we not ask ourselves as concretely what we strive for at our core? Someone recently, without me asking, stated simply that for him, he can strive for nothing more important than having connected deeply with his creative side and shared that in whatever way he could. It was actually . . . astounding to me. It's rare that someone can distill what most matters to them down to one sentence.
It got my mind onto what the mission statements would be of the people I love most in the world? (If I could author some of them, my bet is I have a friend whose mission statement would read, "To pave a way of changing things for the better by a culture of learning and positive, thoughtful change." Another friend would be, "To do good by doing everything thoughtfully and well." And a third would be, "To know I chose.") And how would it change people at large if they had not only a good grasp of their core values, but were checking in and aligning their actions and decisions and lives with that well defined core?
Is it shocking that asking myself what it feels like to change is really about thinking about what is most important to me and shifting myself to match up with that? No. And at this point, I shouldn't be surprised that my same blog-assigning friend said, "one of your next postings should describe your core values and how they drive your day to day decisions. What does it feels like when you are aligned with your core values and what did it feel like when you weren't aligned?"
It felt like a bone break. It felt like . . . it hurt so much to make every decision that I had to turn my thoughts off so I wouldn't notice. I have some experience with this. When I was in grad school, I had an adviser, who to put it mildly, was a nightmare. After stealing, well, a lot of things from me, and promising me things that she didn't deliver on, it was clear I had to leave grad school. My idea of what research was and could be was pretty wounded at that point, but, also, she was the only person working on language in my program. It was clear we couldn't move too much further forward, but also that it would be hard for me to do what I wanted to do without her. I determined that I would leave, but not without a piece of paper showing what I had fought for - not without my master's. What followed was an agonizing 4 months where she and I were in an unspoken grudge match. And because I had expressed concern about not only how she was handling her students and lab, but how my program was handling her, at that point, I was in a grudge match with the program as well.
I had no funding, so that summer I had to work a camp job from 7am until 3:30 or 5 each day, in the blazing heat and humidity, and then come home and somehow write, read, and revise every night. I settled into a pattern of cold shower immediately after work, dinner of yogurt, cucumber sticks, and vodka, and 5-7 hours of work before falling asleep on the hard wood floor underneath the paltry and ineffective air conditioner some time around midnight or 1am.
I wasn't often drunk while writing, but I wasn't often sober either. It occurred to me in the second week of this routine (such as it was) that the fact that I was crossing things off my grocery list in order to buy the vodka wasn't good. (I was so poor that summer. Ooof ) I promised myself that once I defended and revised I would take a drinking sabbatical for up to 6 months (and importantly, lived up to that promise) but I didn't stop drinking that summer. I explained to a friend, who I also used to help keep me accountable for this unhealthy behavior, that I needed to drink otherwise the voice in my head screaming, "This hurts and it is AWFUL" would be so loud that I would have no choice but to set fire to my master's and walk away. And I had locked myself down to needing to get it done so that I could walk away with more than ashes and scorched earth.
That decision offended me so deeply because it was an acquiescence to dishonesty, to fraud, to abuse. To doing the opposite of good. Nothing I was doing was going to change things in any measurable positive way - I wasn't going to change the horrible truth of how she treated students, or how the program held faculty accountable. I wasn't going to change what she had stolen from me, tangibly or metaphorically. All I was doing was making sure I didn't leave empty handed . . . which wasn't going to change my prospects significantly in the future. It was what I needed for closure, but it wasn't going to give me, or anyone else, anything bigger than that. It helped a little when in my exit interview from the department the chair admitted that the department owed me an adviser and a chance to dissertate and had let me down, but nothing could give me back those four years or the debt (financial and otherwise) that accompanied them.
That's how doing something against my core values feels. It hurts so much that I have to anesthetize. What worries me is not that I did it with vodka in 2005, but that I now do it without any conscious choice or substance involved. I realized this in mid-2011 when I was taking a respite in NJ with smart, awesome friends, and all of a sudden found that I was using a larger working vocabulary, handling more complex analysis, and feeling AWAKE. Then, startled, I realized, I had been numbing out for the months before. Waking up, showering, and then resolutely unplugging my brain so that I could go through the motions without having to look too hard at what I was doing or feeling. I said to my friend then, who happened to be the very same one who was my checkpoint during the vodka-soaked-second-master's-thesis days, "I somehow learned how to dull the roar of the voices inside me without alcohol." We both had a really long, sad, quiet moment then.
In grad school, I had aimed my life at certain accomplishments and milestones. It didn't negate my deep seated commitment to honesty, to fairness, to doing what's right, but it did back-burner some of those things some of the time. Ultimately, enough had gone wrong that I chose to leave, though I'm sure some people would tell the story differently saying I had to leave. Both things were eventually true, but one was true first. With my last job, that story was reversed, and it would have been better for me if it hadn't been. I should have made the same decision I made when I was in grad school. But . . . one of the things that made it hard to see how unhappy I was was that for a long time, I was doing some good there. And then when I wasn't, I spent an almost equal amount of time convincing myself I was making a difference. I thought I was pushing through something hard for the right reasons. Or that's what I told myself. I failed to pay attention to the fact that if something hurts so much that you have to turn down your brain, it usually means something is horribly off kilter. Pain exists for a reason, and it's to let us know when something needs attention. And usually what needs attention is for our health and well being.
Happiness isn't a value, but it is the canary in the coal mine. Someone very smart said to me, "Your core being defines the happiness you bring to your life." So many times I've seen the evidence in other people's lives that they are creating their own pile of misery. I can't pretend I haven't sometimes done the same. Or, to be clear, at least four memorable times in my life, I have signed on that dotted line for big-ticket unhappinesses. And that unhappiness was always-always-always about my choices, my actions, or something being so misaligned that even if I was acting on one value, another was slipping off the side of the proverbial table.
My values are clear to me. I don't have any hazy moments on what they are. I do have some concerns about trusting myself to act on my own best interests. I'm as self-involved as anyone, but I sometimes forget that acting against my values, even a little bit, wounds me so deeply. So I need to make sure I sleep on things in order to check everything out with my gut and make sure my values are my first and last check point.
My values are:
Being truly awake - I identified this one very early in my life. You can't get far sleepwalking. You can look like you're doing well, walking down the street, whatever, but if you're not awake you're missing what you feel, what you see, what you hear, the chance to make choices, music, poetry, strange and weird moments, the things that you can pull together later to make sense of where you are and how you got there. I want to be AWAKE.
Honesty - I believe in all honesty, all the time. That doesn't mean I say everything at once, but it does mean I try not to leave things out, if that makes sense. It does mean I think the best thing I can do in most situations is to be honest over being nice.
Redemption - I am so bad at forgiving and forgetting, and am worst at this with myself. But I believe in second chances. (And sometimes third chances too.)
Life long learning - I think part of me would die if I stopped being interested in things I don't know about and just started spinning my wheels on things I'm already knowledgeable about. I am most alive and alert when I'm actively learning
Fighting for the right things - it matters to me to stand up when things are wrong. It doesn't have to be loud, or dramatic, but it has to happen. It matters to me to have the courage of my convictions. Conviction alone isn't enough - the courage to act on it is what makes our convictions a mission statement with an action plan attached.
Responsibility - If I commit to something, it's important to me to take responsibility for getting it done, taking care of it, and stewarding in the right way. Goldfish, work, treating people right, making changes in my life. And if I say I'm going to do something and then can't deliver, I have to own up to it.
Leveling playing fields - I believe that life isn't always fair. I believe that I learned as much from injustices as I did from mercy and fairness. I also believe that when injustices are on a large scale, and brutalize people that don't have the ability to choose other circumstances, it limits the accomplishments, the success, the right-ness of everyone else. I believe in doing what I can, however small, to locate and defend rightness, and to try and change wrong-nesses. My tool for leveling fields tends to be education and honesty, rather than bulldozers. In the same way that I think injustice makes all of us a little worse, I think that giving back makes all of us a little better, including, and maybe especially for the person doing the giving.
Words - I believe humans were built to use language to communicate. My linguistics training tells me that is about some magnificent intersection between evolution and biology and need and accidental benefits. It also tells me all kinds of nerdy things about how language is actually not always a completely efficient or effective for communication. Words fail, processing fails, wet computers in our brains fail, pressures and time and attention let us down. But, the me deep inside tells me that the trying matters. I believe in words, in writing, in language, in talking, and in communication, however imperfect and ongoing.
Your core being defines the happiness you bring to your life. Yes. This is who I am if you strip everything down. I'm not quite ready to pull this into a cleanly stated mission statement, but if I stop, and take a breath, everything that feels right to me, everything that makes my heart happy, boils down to one of these things, or a combination of them.
This is what I believe.
I spent a large chunk of time in those years helping business owners and prospective business owners write and develop business plans. And, the first section of any good business plan is the mission statement. Often, if I would find items later in the plan that weren't working it was either because someone hadn't seen the longer term of logistics they were plotting. But, even more often than that I ended up in discussions with those people about checking the business decisions and progress they were planning against that stated mission.
We ask businesses and organizations to make statements of their mission and values, so why do we not ask ourselves as concretely what we strive for at our core? Someone recently, without me asking, stated simply that for him, he can strive for nothing more important than having connected deeply with his creative side and shared that in whatever way he could. It was actually . . . astounding to me. It's rare that someone can distill what most matters to them down to one sentence.
It got my mind onto what the mission statements would be of the people I love most in the world? (If I could author some of them, my bet is I have a friend whose mission statement would read, "To pave a way of changing things for the better by a culture of learning and positive, thoughtful change." Another friend would be, "To do good by doing everything thoughtfully and well." And a third would be, "To know I chose.") And how would it change people at large if they had not only a good grasp of their core values, but were checking in and aligning their actions and decisions and lives with that well defined core?
Is it shocking that asking myself what it feels like to change is really about thinking about what is most important to me and shifting myself to match up with that? No. And at this point, I shouldn't be surprised that my same blog-assigning friend said, "one of your next postings should describe your core values and how they drive your day to day decisions. What does it feels like when you are aligned with your core values and what did it feel like when you weren't aligned?"
It felt like a bone break. It felt like . . . it hurt so much to make every decision that I had to turn my thoughts off so I wouldn't notice. I have some experience with this. When I was in grad school, I had an adviser, who to put it mildly, was a nightmare. After stealing, well, a lot of things from me, and promising me things that she didn't deliver on, it was clear I had to leave grad school. My idea of what research was and could be was pretty wounded at that point, but, also, she was the only person working on language in my program. It was clear we couldn't move too much further forward, but also that it would be hard for me to do what I wanted to do without her. I determined that I would leave, but not without a piece of paper showing what I had fought for - not without my master's. What followed was an agonizing 4 months where she and I were in an unspoken grudge match. And because I had expressed concern about not only how she was handling her students and lab, but how my program was handling her, at that point, I was in a grudge match with the program as well.
I had no funding, so that summer I had to work a camp job from 7am until 3:30 or 5 each day, in the blazing heat and humidity, and then come home and somehow write, read, and revise every night. I settled into a pattern of cold shower immediately after work, dinner of yogurt, cucumber sticks, and vodka, and 5-7 hours of work before falling asleep on the hard wood floor underneath the paltry and ineffective air conditioner some time around midnight or 1am.
I wasn't often drunk while writing, but I wasn't often sober either. It occurred to me in the second week of this routine (such as it was) that the fact that I was crossing things off my grocery list in order to buy the vodka wasn't good. (I was so poor that summer. Ooof ) I promised myself that once I defended and revised I would take a drinking sabbatical for up to 6 months (and importantly, lived up to that promise) but I didn't stop drinking that summer. I explained to a friend, who I also used to help keep me accountable for this unhealthy behavior, that I needed to drink otherwise the voice in my head screaming, "This hurts and it is AWFUL" would be so loud that I would have no choice but to set fire to my master's and walk away. And I had locked myself down to needing to get it done so that I could walk away with more than ashes and scorched earth.
That decision offended me so deeply because it was an acquiescence to dishonesty, to fraud, to abuse. To doing the opposite of good. Nothing I was doing was going to change things in any measurable positive way - I wasn't going to change the horrible truth of how she treated students, or how the program held faculty accountable. I wasn't going to change what she had stolen from me, tangibly or metaphorically. All I was doing was making sure I didn't leave empty handed . . . which wasn't going to change my prospects significantly in the future. It was what I needed for closure, but it wasn't going to give me, or anyone else, anything bigger than that. It helped a little when in my exit interview from the department the chair admitted that the department owed me an adviser and a chance to dissertate and had let me down, but nothing could give me back those four years or the debt (financial and otherwise) that accompanied them.
That's how doing something against my core values feels. It hurts so much that I have to anesthetize. What worries me is not that I did it with vodka in 2005, but that I now do it without any conscious choice or substance involved. I realized this in mid-2011 when I was taking a respite in NJ with smart, awesome friends, and all of a sudden found that I was using a larger working vocabulary, handling more complex analysis, and feeling AWAKE. Then, startled, I realized, I had been numbing out for the months before. Waking up, showering, and then resolutely unplugging my brain so that I could go through the motions without having to look too hard at what I was doing or feeling. I said to my friend then, who happened to be the very same one who was my checkpoint during the vodka-soaked-second-master's-thesis days, "I somehow learned how to dull the roar of the voices inside me without alcohol." We both had a really long, sad, quiet moment then.
In grad school, I had aimed my life at certain accomplishments and milestones. It didn't negate my deep seated commitment to honesty, to fairness, to doing what's right, but it did back-burner some of those things some of the time. Ultimately, enough had gone wrong that I chose to leave, though I'm sure some people would tell the story differently saying I had to leave. Both things were eventually true, but one was true first. With my last job, that story was reversed, and it would have been better for me if it hadn't been. I should have made the same decision I made when I was in grad school. But . . . one of the things that made it hard to see how unhappy I was was that for a long time, I was doing some good there. And then when I wasn't, I spent an almost equal amount of time convincing myself I was making a difference. I thought I was pushing through something hard for the right reasons. Or that's what I told myself. I failed to pay attention to the fact that if something hurts so much that you have to turn down your brain, it usually means something is horribly off kilter. Pain exists for a reason, and it's to let us know when something needs attention. And usually what needs attention is for our health and well being.
Happiness isn't a value, but it is the canary in the coal mine. Someone very smart said to me, "Your core being defines the happiness you bring to your life." So many times I've seen the evidence in other people's lives that they are creating their own pile of misery. I can't pretend I haven't sometimes done the same. Or, to be clear, at least four memorable times in my life, I have signed on that dotted line for big-ticket unhappinesses. And that unhappiness was always-always-always about my choices, my actions, or something being so misaligned that even if I was acting on one value, another was slipping off the side of the proverbial table.
My values are clear to me. I don't have any hazy moments on what they are. I do have some concerns about trusting myself to act on my own best interests. I'm as self-involved as anyone, but I sometimes forget that acting against my values, even a little bit, wounds me so deeply. So I need to make sure I sleep on things in order to check everything out with my gut and make sure my values are my first and last check point.
My values are:
Being truly awake - I identified this one very early in my life. You can't get far sleepwalking. You can look like you're doing well, walking down the street, whatever, but if you're not awake you're missing what you feel, what you see, what you hear, the chance to make choices, music, poetry, strange and weird moments, the things that you can pull together later to make sense of where you are and how you got there. I want to be AWAKE.
Honesty - I believe in all honesty, all the time. That doesn't mean I say everything at once, but it does mean I try not to leave things out, if that makes sense. It does mean I think the best thing I can do in most situations is to be honest over being nice.
Redemption - I am so bad at forgiving and forgetting, and am worst at this with myself. But I believe in second chances. (And sometimes third chances too.)
Life long learning - I think part of me would die if I stopped being interested in things I don't know about and just started spinning my wheels on things I'm already knowledgeable about. I am most alive and alert when I'm actively learning
Fighting for the right things - it matters to me to stand up when things are wrong. It doesn't have to be loud, or dramatic, but it has to happen. It matters to me to have the courage of my convictions. Conviction alone isn't enough - the courage to act on it is what makes our convictions a mission statement with an action plan attached.
Responsibility - If I commit to something, it's important to me to take responsibility for getting it done, taking care of it, and stewarding in the right way. Goldfish, work, treating people right, making changes in my life. And if I say I'm going to do something and then can't deliver, I have to own up to it.
Leveling playing fields - I believe that life isn't always fair. I believe that I learned as much from injustices as I did from mercy and fairness. I also believe that when injustices are on a large scale, and brutalize people that don't have the ability to choose other circumstances, it limits the accomplishments, the success, the right-ness of everyone else. I believe in doing what I can, however small, to locate and defend rightness, and to try and change wrong-nesses. My tool for leveling fields tends to be education and honesty, rather than bulldozers. In the same way that I think injustice makes all of us a little worse, I think that giving back makes all of us a little better, including, and maybe especially for the person doing the giving.
Words - I believe humans were built to use language to communicate. My linguistics training tells me that is about some magnificent intersection between evolution and biology and need and accidental benefits. It also tells me all kinds of nerdy things about how language is actually not always a completely efficient or effective for communication. Words fail, processing fails, wet computers in our brains fail, pressures and time and attention let us down. But, the me deep inside tells me that the trying matters. I believe in words, in writing, in language, in talking, and in communication, however imperfect and ongoing.
Your core being defines the happiness you bring to your life. Yes. This is who I am if you strip everything down. I'm not quite ready to pull this into a cleanly stated mission statement, but if I stop, and take a breath, everything that feels right to me, everything that makes my heart happy, boils down to one of these things, or a combination of them.
This is what I believe.
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