1 down, 3 to go

This has been coming for a few weeks, but I've put it off. I was hoping to procrastinate it further. But, today my time had come. Yes, today I could no longer elude this difficult chore.

Shopping.

I typically go in to a shopping trip with a lot of hope and expectation and come out sweaty, defeated, and feeling as bad as if I had just been beaten with a truckload of underwire bras. Shopping is WORK. Literally, shopping takes walking, contorting, and carrying a significant amount of stuff. Shopping is that much work for everyone, sure. But shopping for someone like me is also emotional work. When you don't look like the pictures a funny thing happens . . . no matter how many cool clothes you put on, you still don't look like the pictures! More to the point, in my case, I am short. My legs are short even for a short person (which means, yes, my torso is long), my feet are flat, my arms and thighs are muscular, my hips are so wide that it's kind of unbelievable that I haven't had kids, my chest is large and I'm flat out just not built for clothes. Yet, of course, I cannot go around without clothes. So, shopping usually makes me feel like I must be a deformed person. I try on pants and think, it's great that they're 25% off because I'll have to pay to get them hemmed. I try on dresses and feel like I'd be better off wearing a sheet. I try on shorts and want to laugh and point at the girl in the mirror even though I know that she is I.

In ascending order from awful to horrifying torture, the things I least like to shop for are:

• Shorts - I despise the pairs of underwear that girls are wearing these days and calling "shorts" and anything longer comes down way past my knees because I have disproportionately short legs
• Gloves - I have midget fingers too
• Exercise pants - I need something that will not ride up, but will also not drop off my hips when I'm doing squats and I need those pants to magically also not be too long on my legs.
• Tank tops. These are a crucial layer to have in the wardrobe of a Coloradan. A nice way to add some warmth without making something bulky, and also, help make something that shows "too much" more professional. I crave to have tanks and camisoles in every hue in the rainbow. But ones with shelf-bras - no. And the ones that are build to lie long and flat on girls with Barbie's measurements, also no.
• Jeans and business pants - will they fit my hips and thighs? Will they drag on the ground? Will I spend the same amount I paid to buy them to have them altered? Will they make my midsection look massive? Nobody knows. It's like spinning the wheel of chance every time. And sizes are not consistent so that so doesn't help.
• Anything with buttons - I've been trying to figure out if there is a nice way to say this; if there is I don't know it. I have some special gifts and endowments. The kind that sometimes mean random strangers ask me out before they know my name. Anything with buttons is a major ordeal
• Dresses. Ugh. Who came up with this plan of one piece of fabric that is somehow supposed to flatter all different parts of my body? And if they have buttons, see above. I actually love dresses, but hate trying to find them
• Bras. I would buy stock in the company that realizes that for someone with "gifts" having a bra that is a color other than white, beige, or black and is also a good fit, support and comfortable is worth its weight in gold.
• Bathing suits. This is not even a pure body image issue in terms of seeing more of myself. Bathing suits are sized for a whole body. This does not always take into account my "gifts" or the fact that my torso is longer than average. It's the worst.

This means that the only kind of shopping I really enjoy is shopping for socks, shoes, new glasses, makeup, and jewelery. And the stuff I REALLY like in those categories requires some serious bank! I have champagne tastes. Yes, even in socks. I like really nice ones made out of bamboo, or awesome athletic-esque fibers.

The last time I shopped for real it was to buy as many skirts as I could find that would meet my corporate dress code and also cover up my knee braces. And let me tell you, THAT fashion statement was worth forgetting.

But today, my time had come. Two weeks ago I pulled the belt in tighter. Last weekend, I discovered that my "good" pair of jeans could come up and down my bod without unbuttoning. This morning, I had to try on 4 pairs of pants before settling on a pair I used to wear two years ago. And so today, as I drove past the outlet mall, it had to be done.

I walked in with dread. I walked out with an awesome sweatshirt-jacket, a tank top, two shirt-type things, and . . . drumroll . . . a pair of jeans. Not just a pair of jeans. A pair of jeans one size down.

Excuse me for a minute:

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!

I kept on trying on jeans in the last size. all different styles, cuts, and colors and thinking, "God, these look awful!." And then the light bulb went off. Christie, if your old jeans that are too big are from this store then maybe new jeans need to be in a new size.

I won't lie, my first instinct was to jump up and down and yell out in glee. But since I didn't want to scare the nice people in Eddie Bauer, I held off. My second instinct was to buy three new pairs of jeans in various styles in color, in order to celebrate the new size. I didn't follow this impulse either.

I  had to realize that this is what I hope is the first of many changes. I'm thrilled to have achieved this milestone, but this is the beginning, not the end. I'm psyched to be one size down and get some positive feedback. I'd feel accomplished to be down two sizes, and happy to be down three. But my target is really to be down four sizes. One down, three more to go. So I held off on splurging and bought one pair. But that one pair feels like . . . it feels better than the fanciest dress I've ever worn. It made me really excited to go running tonight and get up and go walking tomorrow.

It makes me aim for heading back to the outlet store in a couple of months for the next size down. These jeans are the emblem of having a moment today where I said, "this might actually be doable." It's the first time in almost two years that I have felt this is something I have the power to do something about. Two years ago, I was feeling thinner and active, but progressing so slowly that it was hard to stick with it. Then, I busted both my knees in quick succession and the wheels really came off the cart. I will never take for granted the ability to work out  and use my whole body again. I did a full year of PT, brace wearing, procedures, more PT, and being so, so limited in what I could do, that I should really be grateful every time I can now run, swim, walk, or do way too many squats to get a good sweat going, instead of complaining. I need to remember that there are too many people out there who would happily sweat and go through significant pain just to take a few steps. I need to remember how hard it was to join their club for even one year. And I need to savor each time I put on these jeans as a reminder that I do have the ability to choose how this struggle will go. The time will pass either way, so it can go by and I can gain weight, or it can go by and I can lose it. That's up to me.

In the meantime, these are awesome dark-wash boot cut jeans that are clearly intended to be worn with my boots or red shoes. So, I obviously need some awesome black or red shirts to wear with them but red is not the "in" color this year. So, if anyone knows where I should look for that, I'm open to suggestions.