So, the current hot thing on Facebook is to post one thing you are grateful for each day. I think this is fantastic. I also know there's no way I will remember to do it. Between trying to remember to take a picture for my 365 each day (and sometimes really messing that up) and my having stepped back from FB a bit (the natural reaction of someone who believes fervently in the ideals of this republic but not it's current 2-political-parties-equals-every-issue-boiled-down-to-2-black-and-white-sides fever pitch of people doing the internet equivalent of yelling at each other) there is little chance I would remember to think up a moment of gratitude each day, dwell contentedly on it and then post about 30 different things to be grateful for this month.
Too bad. It's not only a great idea but this year, more than most, I have a lot to be grateful for and a need to focus on that. Even though I struggle to see all the good each day this year has been one that has held a lot of gifts in it. This year more than any I need to give thanks for what I have instead of noticing what hasn't seeded itself in my life . . YET.
The other thing to say here is that . . . shuffle . . . cough, cough . . umm it's been awhile since I've written. Sorry.
Frankly, I've been in a pretty head-down mode of "apply, tutor, interview, exercise, apply, apply, apply." Making all of the moving pieces of my life fit together has gotten harder and harder as I take on tutoring (which if I'm honest, I really enjoy but which, by design, has to happen at less than thrilling times), still try to catch up with people I love (and feel as though I'm always not giving someone enough time), make myself sweat for an hour and eat healthy and applyapplyapply. With all of the lesson planning and applying, my writers-brain has diverted itself a little to helping kids write their essays and helping the me wrangle some cover letters worthy of sending out.
Ok, Christie, enough rationalizing. Just write this entry.
1. I am grateful first of all for my friends near-and-far who read this blog. I am grateful for you if you are reading this entry after such a long hiatus from posting here. I am grateful for everyone who has read an entry and talked to me about it in person, by commenting, or on FB. I appreciate using this as a conversation starter and love it when I get to be part of those conversations.
2. I am grateful for the sudden motivation to action I had 15 months ago to start writing. I don't know if it was spiritual or something deep inside myself screaming to get out. I am grateful for wherever it came from, from all the writing that followed (here and otherwise) and grateful for this site. I am grateful for the catharsis and the therapeutic value of putting my insides on the table and being able to sort them out and assign them words and meaning. I am so, so grateful for what that has done for me in this year and change. My friend Alejandra recently posted a lovely quote from Plath, "I write only because there is a small voice within me that will not be still." My voice is not nearly so interesting as Plath's, or even as much as Alejandra's, but I am so glad to have rediscovered it and to have warmed up my ability to speak clearly about what matters to me and why here.
3. I am grateful for this song which reminds me that we all go through times where we feel stagnant and bruised by life and that the world continuing to move forward and brings us with it. Hopefully with the people we love.
4. I am grateful that I have had these many months to catch up on something close to 6 years of sleep deprivation. It's weird because, of course, being unemployed is no picnic. But in the land of no picnics, I sleep well knowing I've done my best and then some.
5. Somewhere in this year of structuring myself only as much as I want to (psssst! That probably means my days are more structured than they have to be since I like structure and abhor a vacuum in my schedule) I've discovered that I like exercise to be part of that structure. I'm grateful to live somewhere with such an abundance of recreational opportunities. I love hiking, as it turns out, and biking is thrilling.
6. I am also grateful that this time has given me the opportunity to eat when I'm hungry. Not because, "I have to have lunch before I get on the road," or "this is the only time I can eat before my meeting." This has meant that I've discovered recently that I can no longer really over-eat. My body just doesn't do it anymore. Food can be good, food can be amazing, and when I'm full, it's just over. I know that the monster of FRED lies in wait and can trap me again when stress hits or my life and schedule change again but for now, I'm grateful to not be fighting that battle. As it turns out, the secret for me is attention to protein, a real breakfast, lots of water, grazing my way (using healthy choices and one serving of caffeine) through the 11am to 5pm time frame with no actual meal, and then a real dinner. My calories are lower than they ever have been and my jeans can now pull on and off without me having to undo them. Woot!
7. I have loved learning to ride a bike. More than I can say. And I'm so grateful to my boyfriend not only for finding the right bike for me, not only for making bike shopping un-intimidating, but for teaching me to ride it. There is really nothing like getting up to speed and maneuvering down an arrestingly beautiful trail.
8. I am grateful that I had some big falls on said bike this Autumn. I know that sounds weird but those falls were amazing moments for me. I went down. AND HARD. And I sat there and thought, in this order, "Ow. Ow hands. Ow crotch. OW." and then, "Hmm. Ow, but ok." I shrugged my shoulders and stood up and kept riding. It was somehow a metaphor for this year.
9. Dry erase. Yeah. You read that right. I LOVE dry erase. Loved it in grad school when I was teaching, loved it on my at-home dry erase board (What?! You all had one too! What, you didn't? Well, I did and as a Linguist, I don't know that I could have explored my logic homework fully without it.) and love it now for tutoring. Teaching a new concept on dry erase is the most fun that can be had in the world of tutoring, I'm convinced.
10. I give thanks for pistachios. And bacon. They are salty and crunchy and gloriously gluten free.
11. I am seriously so very thrilled that while people I know and love were inconvenienced by Hurricane Sandy in NYC, NJ, and CT but not a one of them were in harms way during the storm. Many went without power or heat, and my brother lived in a hotel for several days, but no one was acutely flooded or had things dropped on them. Thanks to whomever arranged that relief.
12. Following on that thread, so pleased that they were all able to let me know they were ok so I didn't worry.
13. I am grateful beyond words that I've managed to keep music in my life this year, even though the habit is expensive and I can't afford the outlets I was putting energy and resources into last year.
14. I am grateful for an amazing guitar teacher. For reals people, not only has he been able to individualize instruction for the kind of student I am (I have no talent AT ALL for the instrument but make up for it in determination and dedication but I do know music from other instruments and care a lot about learning the theory as well as the mechanics), but he also has a way of making messing up part of a larger lesson I learn about myself. He also has been incredibly patient with my ever changing schedule. Thank you Eric! I am lucky to have you!
15. I am so lucky to have so many friends who trust their children with me. It fills places in me to have those special connections with "my kids" but also to know that those parents trust their friendship with me enough to let me grow a separate friendship with their precious children.
16. Everyone is expressing gratitude for their friends. I have to do mine separately - can't lump them all in together - but will say that I am so very lucky in this realm. I have friends who are family, friends who make me laugh, friends who love me even when I'm ugly and wrong, friends who lift me up, friends who push me, and friends who teach me. I am so lucky to count my siblings in that list, and my boyfriend too. I am a lucky, lucky woman. And I'm grateful for the trains and planes and smart phones and iChats and texts and Skypes that let us be WITH each other even when we're all moving in different directions.
17. There are no words for the depths of thanks I have for Rob and David who not only love me when I'm ugly and wrong and broken, but who unfailingly think of me as beautiful and worthy and smart. I am grateful to have the kind of friends who can have the hard conversations with me, and who did that on New Year's last year in the early moments of absorbing the loss of my job. I am more than grateful to have them not only as my friends, but as the kind of family that said, "No, you'd come here if you couldn't stay in Colorado. What timeline should we put on talking about that? "
18. I give thanks for Wil who sent me jobs, shook me into action, helped me whip my resume together and who keeps finding creative ways to remind me that this isn't about ME it's about HOW THINGS ARE. I am further grateful to have this smart, creative, analytical, funny, discerning person continuing to push me to think of myself as an educator and a force for good in the world. It's merely a bonus that we also have a weekly online get-together where we block it all out and watch zombies. Smile.
19. I don't have words for how important Susan has become this year. She was always indomitably amazing and beautiful and talented besides, but this woman also sends me jobs, has friends walk resumes in for me, prays for me, and lifts me up and pushes my ass into gear. She is gorgeous and sassy and reminds me every time we talk that there is no measure for how much she loves me. I want to be Susan when I grow up.
20. I am lucky to have Brett and April in my life. Doubly so because they were the family of my ex-fiance and elected to "keep" me instead. They let me love on their kids, treat me like family, and make me laugh harder than I thought possible.
21. In the waning hours of my employment with Kumon, I attended an outside conference in Denver and met there a wonderful woman with sass and finesse and smarts to spare. And she is known as my Peef. (Pretty Face = PF = Peef) She and I have shared a lot of heartbreak and frustration this year, and what is remarkable is how fast we realized, "hold the phone, this one is important." What is more remarkable is that while sharing all of this heartbreak and frustration, we are generally laughing our asses off. Hold the phone, indeed.
22. Rebecca! Rebecca left Kumon before I did, and thank goodness, because it allowed us to forge a friendship before I left Kumon. This woman is wise and lovely and hysterically funny. She is kind and supportive without foregoing any of her strength and I adore that we can not see each other, sometimes for months, and then just fall back into enjoying each other's company.
23. Gaberilla, I miss you. But that makes the times I do get to spend with you sweeter. You are a rock star.
24. K-bomb, you are still my girl. It's been hard to spend as much time with you as I want because I'm broke and tutoring, seemingly every night, until the end of time. I'm grateful for your patience while I try to bring my life into focus and for how insightful you are. You get me. I love that about you. Also, you drink car bombs with me.
25. I am grateful we re-elected Obama. I don't know if his tax plan is better than Romney's. I have no idea if he will turn the economy around as fast as someone else. And I don't think he is the saint Dems make him out to be. But I might've lost faith in this country otherwise because in some substantial ways this election was about women's rights. I want to believe this country won't pull itself up by keeping women down. I also dig how his humanity still shows through even after leading this mess of a nation for 4 years.
26. Job hunting is hard, hard work. (If you don't believe me, try it sometime.) But I'm thankful for this chance to reinvent myself. To dream bigger. To believe that my values and skills can meet in one place and make a difference. And I'm grateful for the people who keep pushing me to do that, helping me with networking, giving me suggestions, loaning me money, taking me out to lunch, writing me references, and all manner of support.
27. Not having health insurance is beyond scary for a girl like me, but I give thanks that I have been almost insanely healthy this year and have rarely needed my meds.
28. I am grateful for a therapist with a sliding scale. Hells yes I am.
29. A year ago today, I had just broken up with my then-boyfriend. It was messy and hard and didn't have to be. We broke up suddenly, I cooked for 12 hours straight, and then carried my feast up to a friend's house (Rebecca's, actually). I am so grateful that after on-again-off-again relationshipping with him I saw that I couldn't keep doing it. I am grateful for everyone who helped me separate out that while I might still love him, that didn't mean I could stay in a "sort of" relationship. If I hadn't moved on, that would still be coloring my image of myself as needing to make things work even when they don't. And it would have kept me from meeting my current boyfriend. Those are important for separate, but related reasons. I'm grateful for what I learned from James, and I'm grateful to know I needed more, and deserved it. And to have found someone worthy of that.
30. In short, I am grateful for safety, and health, and the chance to be better. I don't need more than that today. I am grateful for music and nature and friends and good food. I am ready for my job search to be over, but thankful to be ready to move into my next great thing. Grateful. For lots.
Happy Thanksgiving all.
No comments:
Post a Comment